The Beta Club: The Guardian (YA Paranormal Romance) - Come Critique!


It's Beta Club day!  On the agenda today: YA Paranormal/Sci-Fi Romance.  Enjoy the excerpt and let the author know what you think!
For newbies:  If you haven't been here on beta club day yet, don't be afraid to jump in with your comments.  All feedback is welcome as long as it's constructive.  And if anyone has an itch to be critiqued, the rules for submitting to the Beta Club are under the "Free Critiques" heading at the top of the page.


Alright, please read through the author's excerpt, then provide your feedback in the comments.  My detailed critique is below. 

Author: Christine Danek (stop by her blog and say hi!)
Title: The Guardian
Genre: YA Paranormal/Sci-Fi Romance


The moonlight created a glow through the large picture window illuminating the dark room.  I took soft steps as I crossed the hardwood floor and something caught my eye. The tick tock of the clock matched the beating of my heart as it raced due to my surprise and my stomach developed a knot.  Adrenaline pumped through my veins as my eyes hesitated to find what I thought I saw.
“Did you see that?”  I whispered.
“What?”  Ivy’s hand grabbed my upper arm
“Something ran in front of the window.  A shadow I think?”  I stood frozen in middle of the room.
 “How big was it?” Bryn’s voice lightly came from the side.    I could barely make out his silhouette as he approached. 
“I don’t know.  It was a blur.”
The floor creaked as we stepped closer to the window and I could hear Ivy holding her breath. The air felt like it was electrified causing the hairs on my neck to stand on end.
 All three of us jumped as a growling screech traveled out from under the couch.
“It’s a stinking cat.” Bryn turned his flashlight on and shone it in the direction of the culprit.  The calico’s eyes reflected red as it stared at us.
“We live in a town that is over a hundred years old so you would think we would find something. I swear we are never going to find anything,” Bryn’s voice switched to disappointment.  “I think we would have better luck searching for aliens.”
“We are not going to find aliens in West Chester,” Ivy flicked the light switch on.
“Why?”   Bryn flopped onto a chair.
“Every time I hear of an alien sighting it’s in a desolate place.  We live in a suburb of Philadelphia.  I don’t think they like bright lights,” Ivy squinted and put her hand on her hip. 
“We’ll find something.   We just started this ghost hunting thing and have only had three cases,” I softly smiled. 
 “Let’s just pack up. I think if we got anything it would have happened earlier, “   Bryn began to disassemble a camera that hung in the doorway.  “Anna, am I dropping you off at home?”
“No, my dad is working on a restoration job down around the corner so he said he’ll call when he’s on his way.  I have to get home and work on that paper for English so no hanging out tonight.”
“Maybe he’ll stir up some old energy to get those ghosts moving.  They always say renovations stir up paranormal activity.  He should let us know when he’s finished and we could investigate,” Bryn’s eyes twinkled with excitement.
My phone started to ring.  “There he is, “I flipped open my phone. “Hey…”
But I couldn’t get “Dad” out because I was interrupted by a voice filled with hysterics.
“Anna, Anna!” she sniffed and choked.
 “Mom?  What’s going on?” My face sank at her panicked tone. 
 “Your father…he’s been hurt…really bad. He fell off of a roof and the doctors…” she began to cry.
  “Is he o.k.?” My voice cracked.
   “I don’t think…we’re at the hospital,” She sobbed.
   Ivy’s head tilted as her eyes rounded in concern.   My mom called my name but I just lowered my phone flipping it shut.
    “Anna, what’s wrong? “ Ivy lightly touched my arm.
      I shut my eyes for a minute and shook my head.  My body started to shake as the rise of panic filled me.  I had to get to him and make sure he was o.k.  Grabbing my jacket and my bag, I bolted for the door.
   “Anna!” Ivy yelled out to me as I put myself on auto pilot dashing out onto the brick sidewalk heading in the direction of the hospital. 
   As I ran, my tears began to fall.  He had to be alright –he will be alright. I tried to pass positive thoughts through my brain, but my thoughts were cut short as my attention was drawn to the blinding lights that were heading in my direction.  A horn started to blare and I froze unable to move my feet.  My mind said –run, get out of the way-- but my body didn’t respond. 


Below is my critique, click on FULL SCREEN, then once the document opens, RIGHT CLICK to zoom so you can see the comments. 


Alright, so what do you think? Are you hooked? What did the author do well? What things could be improved? Agree or disagree with my crit?
Thanks ahead of time for offering feedback and thank you to the author for volunteering!

**Today's Theme Song (Author's Choice)**
"Panic Switch" - Silversun Pickups
(player in sidebar--go ahead, take a listen)