The Beta Club: Makin' Love (YA) - Come Critique!


Thanks so much for all the well wishes yesterday!  You guys are the bestest!  My partial will officially be sent out today, so please send positive thoughts out into the universe for me.  :)

Now, on to the Beta Club!  

For newbies:  If you haven't been here on beta club day yet, don't be afraid to jump in with your comments.  All feedback is welcome as long as it's constructive.  And if anyone has an itch to be critiqued, the rules for submitting to the Beta Club are under the "Free Critiques" heading at the top of the page.


Alright, please read through the author's excerpt, then provide your feedback in the comments.  My detailed critique is below.
Author: Julie Cross (check out her blog)
Title: Makin' Love
Genre: Contemporary YA


I was locked in a room with a perfect guy, just not my perfect guy. Despite the fact that wewere not a scientific match, he was staring at me like he might kiss me anysecond. And not a sloppy first kiss, but a hot, passionate, blood boiling kiss.In the dim light, his brown hair and gorgeous face lit with excitement.
            Even as I reviewed my careful planknowing this wasn’t anywhere in it, my defenses crumbled to bits.
“Annie,” he whispered. “Haven’t you ever done anythingimpulsive?”
            I shook my head fiercely, unable tospeak. He leaned forward and my breath caught in my throat. The tip of his nosegrazed my cheek. 
            “You’re seventeen, everything you doshould be impulsive,” he whispered without lifting his head.
            “Kyle . . .please . . . don’t.”
            He laughed softly. “I’m not eventouching you, Annie.”
            Hewasn’t touching me, but I still felt so . . .
            Kyle lifted his head again and his brown eyessmoldered me.
            “We’re not compatible. I checked thetest myself,” I managed to spit out.
            “Can’t you turn off that big brainof yours for a few minutes? We’re stuck in here aren’t we? Might as will have alittle fun until someone lets us out.”
            I cracked a smile unwillingly and hemust have taken that as an invitation. His mouth pressed firmly to my neck. Iclosed my eyes and a sigh escaped my lips.
            This was just a physical response.Completely chemical.
Just get itout of your system, Annie. You need to focus on your science project.
            “You’re thinking so hard, I canalmost hear you,” he said.
            “I can’t do this. I already wrotethe probable conclusion.”
            His fingertips brushed my cheek. “Iwon’t tell anyone, I swear. You have my word.”
            My heart sped up in my chest. “It’snot like we’re getting married. Just normal adolescent hormones.”
            A slow lopsided grin spread acrosshis face. “Is that a yes?”
            I closed my eyes again and nodded. Iran my hands through his hair, something I’d dreamt about doing for a longtime. “If you don’t make a move in the next five seconds, there’s an eightypercent chance I’ll change my mind.”
            His touched the back of my neck,pulling me closer and every nerve in my body lit on fire. How was this possible? He hadn’t even kissed me.
            “What should I do?” he asked. “Areyou going to interview me?”
            I laughed with my eyes still closed.“Just kiss me, please.”
            He didn’t hesitate and when his lipspressed against mine, my entire insides turned to mush. 
Oh, God thiswas bad, very bad . . . and yet so good. My hands moved to hisface. Then he pulled away and smiled.
            “Is that all you wanted?” Kyleasked.
            I grabbed the front of his shirt andpulled him close again, then wrapped my arms around him. I ran my lips down hisneck, letting the last wall of defense crumble. 
I worked years to perfect every aspect of my life andnine months on a science project I might have completely screwed up, and all Icould think was how much I wanted him. Really wanted him.
            Ifthis was more than physical, my entire project would be invalid. NoHarvard. No Geneva Scholarship. No justification for what a bitch I’ve been toeveryone and anyone getting in my way. None of this was strong enough tosurface while the hot half-British teenager let his tongue dance around in mymouth. 
            His breathing grew heavier and myhands moved over his backside. “Annie, what are you doing?”
            “Everything,”I breathed.                                       
            Then I’ll forget it happened. Prove I’munattached to the incompatible subject.
            I un-tucked the bottom of his shirtand pulled it over his head. My fingers glided over his bare chest. Kyle’s eyesmet mine and he slowly unbuttoned my shirt, not looking away for a second. Hehesitated with the last button then finally let my shirt fall to the floor.
            “Have you done everything before?”he asked, softly touching my back.
            I nodded, letting his bare skinpress against mine.
            “With Trevor?”
            I nodded again feeling his fingerstense up around my arms. He didn’t like Trevor. “Only five times, each onecarefully planned with every precaution used.”
            “Oh, I can imagine the romanceinvolved in those perfectly calculated moments,” he whispered.

Below is my critique, click on FULL SCREEN, then once the document opens, RIGHT CLICK to zoom so you can see the comments.


Alright, so what do you think?  Are you hooked?  What did the author do well?  What things could be improved?  Thanks ahead of time for offering your feedback!


*Today's Theme Song (Author's Choice)**
"Beast of Burden" - Rolling Stones
(player in sidebar--go ahead, take a listen)