The Beta Club: Karma Kameleon (Chick Lit/Romance) - Come Critique!


Today on the Beta Club, we have our first sequel!  Stephanie's first book will be available soon from Lyrical Press.  To find out more info about her and her debut book, go visit her at The Writer's Cocoon.   Now, on to the critique...

For newbies:  If you haven't been here on beta club day yet, don't be afraid to jump in with your comments.  All feedback is welcome as long as it's constructive.  And if anyone has an itch to be critiqued, the rules for submitting to the Beta Club are under the "Free Critiques" heading at the top of the page.


Alright, please read through the author's excerpt, then provide your feedback in the comments.  My detailed critique is below.

Author: Stephanie Haefner

Title: Karma Kameleon

Genre: Chick Lit/Contemporary Romance



“Rich, I’m pregnant.”

The last time I said those exact
words to him, it led to our breakup and my entrance to a dark and dreary pit of
misery. This time his reaction was much different. Instead of the dumbfounded
confused look he wore last time, a huge grin formed and he kissed me and
laughed and told me how happy he was and how much he loved me.

“This is perfect,” he said as we
lay on our bed. He combed his hand through my hair and found his way to the
edge of my tee shirt, his shirt that I wore as a night gown. He lifted it up
and rubbed his hand across my stomach, then leaned down and kissed it. “Only
one thing would make it better.”

“Yeah? What’s that?”

“You saying ‘yes’. Marry me, Lexi!”

My heart leapt into my throat and I
felt the fluttering in my stomach. I stared at Rich, his adoring eyes staring
back at me. Was this for real? I’d never been proposed to before.

“Really? Are you sure? You don’t
have to marry me just ‘cause you knocked me up!”

“You’re kinda ruining this moment,”
he said with a sly smile and reached into the nightstand drawer next to him. He
presented a black velvet box and popped it open. Inside sat a princess cut
diamond ring and not a small one either. “I’ve been trying to find the perfect
time to ask for weeks now.”

I immediately teared and felt
stupid for doubting his sincerity.

“Will you marry me?” Rich asked

My body shook as I nodded my head.

“Is that a ‘yes’?”

“Yes!” I screamed and leapt onto
him, covering his face with kisses.

“Wait,” he managed between
smooches. “I want to make it official.”

“Didn’t we just do that?”

“Not yet.” Rich pulled away and
plucked the sparkly gem from its box. He slid it onto my left ring finger and I
did exactly what all newly engaged women do. I flexed my wrist and held my arm
straight, admiring my hand and its brilliant adornment.

“Do you like it?” he asked.

“I love it!” I exclaimed and truly
meant it. The square-shaped stone looked flawless, at least a karat, maybe
more. I couldn’t have picked a more perfect setting myself—simple and elegant
platinum, nothing fru-fru about it.

“I know it’s not as big as Abby’s.”

“Uh, there’s no need for it to be.
I’m sure your penis is way bigger than Daniel’s.”


“Everybody knows that big fat
diamond rings are to make up for tiny di**s! Trust me—you have no need
what-so-ever to buy me a big diamond!”

I placed my lips back on his and my
hands found their way to his large hardness. Rich slipped his own hand under my
shirt in preparation of removing it from my body. We then heard a thud at the
door and then wailing. Rich and I looked at each other wondering what the heck
happened. I started to get out of bed and heard Marcus’s voice on the other
side of the door.

“Sorry guys. Preston
got away from me.”

“It’s okay. Bring him in!” I
yelled, still hearing my little man’s cries. Marcus pushed the door open slowly
Preston immediately smiled and reached his
arms out to me.

“He’s getting really fast,” Marcus
said. “I turned around to pick up some toys and he crawled off down the hallway.
I think he crashed head first into your door.”

“Poor baby!” I reached out and
Marcus put my baby in my arms, though I couldn’t really call him a baby
anymore. It had been almost eleven months since his birth and it seemed like he
grew an inch a day. You always hear people go on about how “fast time flies”
but you never realize how true it is until you have a child.

“Should we tell him?” Rich asked as
he gazed into
Preston’s eyes. I nodded.

“Guess what, my precious boy! Daddy
Rich is gonna make an honest woman of me! See!” I wiggled my fingers for him.
He pointed at the diamond and giggled. I knew he had no clue what it meant or
how huge it was, but I liked to pretend that he did and that he was happy about

Below is my critique, click on FULL SCREEN, then once the document opens, RIGHT CLICK to zoom so you can see the comments.

Alright, so what do you think?  Are you hooked?  What did the author do well?  What things could be improved?  Thanks ahead of time for offering your feedback!


*Today's Theme Song (Author's Choice)**

"Manic Monday" - The Bangles

(player in sidebar--go ahead, take a listen)