The Beta Club: One Fine Day (YA) - Agree with my Crit?



It's Beta Club Tuesday!  Young Adult is on the agenda today.  Read on and let the author know what you think!  Remember, this will be the only Beta Club of the week, so give it all you got.  ;)

 For newbies:  If you haven't been here on beta club day yet, don't be afraid to jump in with your comments.  All feedback is welcome as long as it's constructive.  And if anyone has an itch to be critiqued, the rules for submitting to the Beta Club are under the "Free Critiques" heading at the top of the page.

Alright, please read through the author's excerpt, then provide your feedback in the comments.  My detailed critique is below.


Author: Margeret (check out her blog here!)
Title: One Fine Day
Genre: Young Adult


Jamie pressed the button that kicked off the countdown on her digital watch.  One hundred eighty seconds until she knew her fate.  Three minutes until her life may—or may not—change forever.  Rob had looked away when she mentioned the test, and her heart thudded the same double-beat, as if he were sitting across from her right now and rejecting her all over again.
                She wanted him to wrap her in his arms, hold her tight and tell her that everything was going to be OK.  That they would be OK—that they would make it.  Together, Jamie believed, they could make it.  But when she had dropped the bomb, he broke her gaze.   They had crossed a threshold—their relationship was forever changed.
Rob exhaled loudly through clenched teeth, and then casually, oh so casually, threw it out there.
“It’s OK, James.  We’ll go to Manch Vegas and get this all worked out.” 
Shuddering, Jamie flung away the memory.  The test stick on the counter quietly waited. One stupid pink line could be the end to her simple existence, and the beginning of a new world order.   Or, she reminded herself, it could be the harshest wake-up call with no actual consequence, known to high school kind.   Please, let it be negative, she thought,  I’ll do my homework as soon as I walk through the door, even on Fridays.  I’ll help mom with Lola in the mornings.  I won’t skip class to sneak out to the Dunkin Donuts for coffee with Rob.   PLEASE be NEGATIVE!
As if all the deal-making in the world was going to impact the appearance, or lack thereof, of one simple line.  It’s already been decided, she thought.  I can sit here waiting for these three minutes to pass on by, but the facts will not change.  I’m either pregnant or I’m not.  It’s already done.   
Fact:  She had sex with Robbie.  Several times.
Fact:  She loved him.  Completely.
Fact:  She would do anything within her power to make sure she and Rob would last. 
Fact:  They’d have the most beautiful children. Ever. 
No matter how many ways she tried to convince herself that everything would be OK, there was no changing the reality that being pregnant was the worst thing that could happen.  At school, the pregnant girls were shunned worse than the geeks. No question there was no lower rung on the high school ladder than the Preggos.
Located below the Hos, who got props from a few of the guys, particularly the jocks, Preggos walked around in their snug-fitting shirts practically shouting out—“Busted!”   The proof’s in the bump.  And that bump was the difference between simply flying under the radar and being a total, slutty loser.
I’ll never make another snarky comment when I see Evelyn Shotte in the hallway.  Even…
Time check—45 seconds  to go
even though she’s a total geek and always knows the answer that Callahan is looking for in U.S. History.  Jamie’s heart was pounding.   She avoided looking at the stick, her whole focus centered on the numbers displayed on the tiny gray screen she held clutched in both hands.  She was perched on the edge of the bathtub, waiting.  Again, she replayed the scene when she told Rob about the test, wincing once more at his reaction while a single tear crept down her flushed cheek.
19…18…17…You can handle this  James…16…15…you can’t be pregnant…14…13…even if you are, which you’re not, you can handle this…With each passing second the drum beat in Jamie’s chest grew louder, stronger.  This was worse than waiting for the starting gun in the 50 meter. 
5…4…3…The numbers refused to stop…2…1…she squeezed her eyes shut and filled her lungs with one final breath of ignorant bliss…
Beep…beep… beep…

Below is my detailed critique.  Please select FULL SCREEN to view, then once the document is open RIGHT CLICK to ZOOM and view the comments.



Alright, so what do you think?  Are you hooked?  What did the author do well?  What things could  be improved?  Agree or disagree with my crit?

Thanks ahead of time to all of you who comment and thanks to the author for volunteering!

Make sure and stop by tomorrow when guest blogger Gwen Mitchell will talk about writing kickass heroines!



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