Kink & BDSM 101 - What It Is & Why It's So Popular In Books #atozchallenge

This is a post I did a while back as a guest post on my blog tour, but with all the talk about BDSM since Fifty Shades of Grey has hit, I figured this was a good time to re-run this primer. 

BDSM 101: What It Is and Why It’s So Popular in Books

Photo by Latente (click pic for link)

When I tell people I’m a writer, I inevitably get the same basic questions—“Are you published?” and then when they find out I’m going to be…“So what’s your book about?”

Depending on who’s asking, I can answer that a few different ways. But if it’s someone who maybe isn’t overly familiar with my genre, the answer is usually something like, “It’s a sexy romance about a social worker who has to find her missing sister with the help of her ex.”  

And for a while, I was able to leave it at that. But as the book got closer and closer to publication and started showing up on Amazon and such, I started getting that other question. “What is BDSM? Is that like handcuffs and whips and stuff?” *insert judgmental, slightly wary expression crossing their face (or a saucy eyebrow raise depending on who was asking)*

To answer: well, yes, it can be about those things. But that’s a very small part under a very large umbrella. Throwing a pair of handcuffs into a story does not a BDSM book make.

So if you’re new to this subgenre, here are some basics:

BDSM stands for Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadism & Masochism (some of the letters do double duty in the acronym).

  • Bondage – Physically restraining a partner in some way (tying someone down, handcuffs, etc.)
  • Discipline – Giving physical or psychological punishment to control behavior. 
  • Sadomasochism -- Sexual sadism is deriving pleasure from inflicting physical or psychological pain on someone else. But it’s not the same as pure sadism. A sexual sadist (especially the ones we write about in romance novels) only enjoy inflicting the pain because the partner is a masochist and derives pleasure from receiving it. It’s an exchange of mutually pleasurable activities. (As opposed to a sadist who would get pleasure from torturing an unwilling victim. That’s a different thing altogether.)
  • Dominance/Submission (or D/s): This is the power exchange between partners, whereby one partner (the submissive) gives over all the control to the other (the dominant). This may be only in their sexual relationship or it may be in all aspects of the relationship. Also, don’t assume that the submissive partner is always the woman. Though that’s the more popular theme in romance, men can be submissive too. (Read Joey W. Hill’s Nature of Desire series if you’re interested in reading some great female dominant BDSM romances.)

A few other terms you may run across:

SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual) or RACK (Risk-Aware Consensual Kink) – These are the cornerstone philosophies in BDSM play.  All activities must be consensual and safe (or risk-aware if both parties are engaging in the edgier stuff). 

Safe words – A word is given to the submissive to signal “stop everything right now”. The words “no” or “stop” aren’t typically used as safe words because sometimes in BDSM play, someone may say “no” as part of the scene. So a word that easily sticks out like “Waffles” or something is chosen. When the sub says that word, everything stops immediately, no questions asked. 

Subspace – This is the trancelike or euphoric state for submissives. I won’t attempt my own explanation of the science since Wikipedia does a better job: 

“the intense experiences of both pain and pleasure trigger a sympathetic nervous system response, which causes a release of epinephrine…as well as a dump of endorphins... These natural chemicals…produce the same effect as a morphine-like drug, increasing the pain tolerance of the submissive as the scene becomes more intense. Since the increase of hormones and chemicals produces a sort of trance-like state, the submissive starts to feel out-of-body, detached from reality, and as the high comes down, and the parasympathetic nervous system kicks in, a deep exhaustion, as well as incoherence.”

So when people looking from the outside in wonder why the heck someone would want to be tied up, flogged, and bossed around---well, there you go, subspace is one enticing reason why. 


But why are so many romance readers and writers getting into BDSM stories? What need or desire are books like 50 Shades tapping into?

I can’t answer for everyone, but for me, the D/s aspect is really what drives me to write and read these stories. Romance readers have always enjoyed the very alpha hero. Think of all those historical romances where the duke/rake/etc. takes all the control. Or look at the paranormals that have all those alpha wolves going after the heroines. 

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely an I-am-woman-hear-me-roar kind of chick. But in a world where we are often weighed down with so much responsibility, it can be a nice escape to imagine having a break from that. Of imagining putting ourselves completely in the hands of a guy we love and trust—one that will keep us safe and also rock our world. ;)  

And that’s how I wrote Brynn in CRASH INTO YOU. She’s very in control of her life, very strong, and has overcome a lot in her past. She doesn’t *need* a man. But because she’s always had to be responsible and in charge, submitting to Reid gives her an escape, a place where she can just let go and feel. And I think on some level, we can all relate to that.

All right, hope this wasn’t too much like some whacked-out school report, lol, but I wanted to give anyone who hasn’t read BDSM an idea of what it’s about. If you have any questions for me or any of this is unclear, let me know in the comments! : )

And if you want some suggestions on great BDSM romances to try, check out my favorites here.

*This post was originally posted as my guest post on Riverina Romantics.

What I Write: It's Not About Handcuffs


Yes, this is Jared Leto. Yum.

(Photo of the "Hurricane" video via VH1)

Most of you know (or have figured out from that smoking hot book cover up there in the right hand corner) that I write erotic romance. And specifically I write in a subgenre of erotic romance--BDSM erotic romance.

What is BDSM? For those of you who aren't quite sure...

From Wikipedia (because they can summarize better than I can):

BDSM is a continuum of erotic practice and expression involving the consensual use of restraint, intense sensory stimulation, and fantasy power role-play. The compound acronym, BDSM, is derived from the terms bondage and discipline (B&D or B/D), dominance and submission (D&S or D/s), and sadism and masochism (S&M or S/M). BDSM includes a wide spectrum of activities, forms of interpersonal relationships, and distinct subcultures.

For those of you that are already eroRom readers, I'm sure you don't bat an eyelash that I write in this genre. BDSM is a huge, highly popular subgenre in erotic romance. But for those of you who haven't read much in the genre, the idea of BDSM may be a bit intimidating or too "out there." Images of leather-clad people wearing heavy eyeliner and dog collars may flit through your mind. You may be thinking, "Why on earth would I want to read about that? And how can this be a romance novel?"

But believe me, the types of stories in this subgenre run the gamut. If you want the extreme, it's out there. But also out there are stories about every day people who happen to like things a little (or a lot) edgier in the bedroom. Characters who discover that something about this kind of relationship with another person feeds something inside them.

This is not a case of--oh hey, let's throw in some handcuffs and call this book BDSM. These stories are about people who on some soul deep level crave things like power exchange in the bedroom. Or at least that's how I write my characters. I write from the perspective that this is part of who they are--either because of life experiences or genetics or whatever. (*sings Lady Gaga's "Born This Way"*)

For instance, my heroine in CRASH INTO YOU, discovers she likes being sexually submissive early on in her adulthood, but then she's brutally attaked and raped. Now, ten years later, she's terrifed of giving control to someone else, yet the part of her that craves sexual submission is still in there. She's just tamped it down because even the thought of it sends her into a panic attack. (Of course this means I--evil author--had to put her in a position  where she had to face that fear.)

But she's not some alternative character that only people in the BDSM lifestyle could relate to (though there would be nothing wrong with it if she was.) She's a smart, successful social worker with a "normal" life. If you've never read erotic romance and you pick up my book, it's not going to feel like some "out there" genre. It's going to read like a romance because that's what it's about--love. (Don't believe me? You can read chapter one here.) Of course, there will be super hot sex scenes that include things you won't find in a non-erotic book, but hello--who wants to miss out on that? :)

So if you've never read "this kind of book", I encourage you to try it and not be intimidated. You will find more of the familiar than unfamiliar in them. (Here's a suggestion for what to try if you've never read BDSM romance.) And you never know, it may give you some ideas to try out with your own significant other. ;)

Oh, and because it's now in my head, a little Gaga for you...


 So, are you an erotic romance reader? Have you read a BDSM story before? If so, what are some of your favorites? If you haven't read one, are you at all intimidated by the genre? What would make you give a book in this genre a shot?