The Beta Club: Keepers of the Order (Paranormal) - Agree with my crit?



It's Beta Club Tuesday!  Paranormal fiction is on the agenda today.  Read on and let the author know what you think!  Remember, this will be the only Beta Club of the week, so give it all you got.  ;)  

 For newbies:  If you haven't been here on beta club day yet, don't be afraid to jump in with your comments.  All feedback is welcome as long as it's constructive.  And if anyone has an itch to be critiqued, the rules for submitting to the Beta Club are under the "Free Critiques" heading at the top of the page.

Alright, please read through the author's excerpt, then provide your feedback in the comments.  My detailed critique is below.


Author: Shain Brown
Title: Keepers of the Order
Genre: Paranormal

Beta Readers:  She would  love extra beta readers, so drop her an email if you're interested:



I could hear the waves violently crashing down on the white sand, kind of symbolic I thought. The moonlight illuminated the crushed shells like diamonds spread along the sand.  It was apparent that much of my time was being spent here. And it wasn’t for the view, but it was one of the places they frequented to hunt and to feed.
Turning my face downwind I buried my nose deep into the crook of my arm, and with each step their stench further surrounded me, turning my stomach like rancid meat of a rotting corpse. Their voices growing louder, filling my head with the deathly screams. Every night was this way for me it felt like a curse; a curse which forced me to endure my own personal torture.
No matter how long or how often I was exposed, it never dissipated. It hovered over me. No matter how much I resented the breathers deep down I desired their normalcy more than anything.
“If you are going to patrol with me, you have got to keep up.” I told him.
“I’m trying.” He said in a winded voice. Continuing up the stairs I was greeted at the top by a steel door. It was apparent the alarm was dead by the frayed wires hanging down from inside the door jam.
“Will this work?”
He handed me a steel pipe that he had lifted earlier, most likely for his own protection. With a firm grasp, I wedged it behind the lock bar and using all of my weight I leaned back. With a single jerk, the metal snapped echoing in the tiny corridor, where it fell to the floor.
Apprehensively I pushed the door open, leaning forward I eased my head slowly between the door and the jam, where the warm wind rushed my face. The darkness surrounded me as if it was swallowing me whole. As I looked up there wasn’t a single star to be seen. The eeriness continued as it covered my skin like a thick sweat slowing me down. “Stay low, and follow me.” I whispered in a forceful tone.
I took off across the roof at a blistering speed. Lucas knelt down on all fours where he low crawled along the black tar that covered the roof. All the while he worked to keep up. I headed to the base of a large billboard sign that was mounted at the front of the building. It offered a perfect place to take cover. After several minutes Lucas sat down joining me, still winded.
Lucas was my partner, and his appearance said GQ. In his early twenties, and always sporting some new fashionable hair do, which currently resembled that of an angered porcupine. He seemed to pride himself in wearing the latest style of Martin Dingman’s. Though he had money, well his family did, he never flaunted it or made anyone think he was better than they were. It was just who he was. His position in The Order had been secured long ago by his family’s lineage.
Lucas was a definite pain in my ass, but he was well educated and his multiple degrees from MIT were an asset. We sat patiently on the roof waiting. During which I couldn’t help but think, if only the humans knew what the night held, they might consider how freely and carelessly they scattered about after dark.
“Lucas, you need to get back to the car.” I whispered.
“Are they close?”
“Get going. I’ll meet you there soon.” I pulled both Glocks chambering the first round.
The pain tightened through my sides as I tried to expand my lungs, reaching for a breath. Sitting hunched over seemed to be the least painful as I worked to take in the larger breaths of air.
“Maybe I could stay? I can help.”
“Lucas you’re just not ready.” I winced in pain.
“If you don’t ever give me a chance how will you know when I am ready?”
“Don’t argue or you can stay at headquarters from now on.”
 “Soon though?”
“Soon Lucas, providing you’re ready.”
He scowled as he turned to get up.
“Give it time you are still new, you’ll have your day.”


Below is my detailed critique.  Please select FULL SCREEN to view, then once the document is open RIGHT CLICK to ZOOM and view the comments.


Alright, so what do you think?  Are you hooked?  What did the author do well?  What things could be improved? Agree or disagree with my crit?

Thanks ahead of time to every one who comments and to the author for volunteering!



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