The Beta Club: Lights Out (Fantasy) - Come Critique!

 

                

 

It's that time of the week again!  On today's agenda, a fantasy story.  Please take the time to read through the passage and offer the author feedback.  My detailed critique is below.

Title: Lights Out
Genre: Fantasy
Author: Kristina Fugate (check out her blog: KayKay's Corner)

Excerpt:

 

    
   Winter made itself known last night—hitting us hard in the form ofa heavy snowstorm. The city had been covered in nearly a foot of snow overnightand there was no one feeling it quite like Bolton Falls and the surroundingcommunities. My whole neighborhood has been transformed into a huge, fluffypillow.

    Sadly, snow makes toddlers go insane and my brother is no exception tothe rule. And, as his main caregiver, it is my job to watch over him and makesure no harm comes to that precious head of his.
I stand solemnlyon the porch adjacent to my wheelchair-bound grandfather, tapping my footslowly as we stared out at the frozen wasteland before us. Ashton, the four-year-oldI’m in charge of, is bounding around the yard, dazzled by the heaps of icygoodness covering ground.

    “Ashton!” I call, glancing around for him. He’s managed to disappearfrom sight—probably buried under a pile of snow. His head pops out of a moundof ice, his brown curls littered with snowflakes. “Get away from the road.You’ll get hit!” I command, waving him over.

    I take a quick peek at my watch, realizing it’s nearly time for Granddadto take his medication. Issuing a heavy sigh, I put my hand on his shoulder andsqueeze, trying to get his attention. “Grandpa,” I say loudly, hoping mynearly-deaf grandfather would hear me, “it’s time for your medicine.”

    “Whaa…?” he hums, glancing up at me, “You say something, Skye?” I narrowmy eyes and clench my jaw tightly, trying to keep my cool.

    “Your medicine!” I repeat, almost shouting, “It’s time for yourmedicine.” His expression changes, as if he’d just realized it himself, and hegoes to nodding—like he always does.

    “Ash!” I snap, “Stay close to the house! I’m going inside to giveGranddad his meds!” With that said, I wheel my senile guardian inside. We’vegot one of the smallest, drabbest places in Falcon Ridge, the rather high-classneighborhood we live in, decorated with black and white pictures of relativesthat have been dead for decades and furniture that was probably manufactured inthe 1930s. Our place even has a different smell compared to the other houses inthe area—a very distinctive musky odor.

    I park Grandpa at the kitchen table and go to the cabinet, shiftingthrough dozens upon dozens of pill bottles. I’d had to move them up on theshelf because Grandpa likes to feel independent and take his meds by himself;two stomach pumps later, I figured out they needed to be out of his reach.

    I grab the needed bottles and splay them out on the table, leaningforward on my elbows. “Gramps,” I say sternly, catching his attention, “yourmeds.” He nods for a few moments and stares at me expectantly. “Two of these,”I say, pointing to the appropriate bottle, “One of those kidney pills. And twoof these red ones with a full glass of water. Yeah?”

    “Yes,” he hums, waving me away, “go watch Ashton. I’m sure I can take itfrom here, child.” I quirk a single thin eyebrow, momentarily wondering whetheror not he could really handle it, but decide to let him haveat it and walk away.

     “I’m so underappreciated,” I grumble, gritting my teeth angrily asI head towards the door, “The most unrewarded person on the face of this—”

     My heated comment is cut short by the sound of Ashton screamingbloody murder. The front door flies open and my brother rushes inside, wrappinghimself around my leg. “Si-sissy!” he stammers. He’s trembling and crying hislittle eyes out.

    “What’s the matter, mutt?” I ask, rolling my eyes, “Didja fall in theroad? I told you not to—!”

    “A boy!” he wails, “There’s a boy!”

    I bring my eyebrows together to form a stern, confused line. “A…boy?” Iask, “Whuddya mean a boy? Did someone push you?”

    “No! No! There’s a boy in the snow!” he screams, shaking my leg roughly,“He’s in the snow!”

    My heart almost stops. I can’t be hearing him right. “In…in the snow?”

 

 

Below is my crit.  Click FULL SCREEN to view, then once in the document RIGHT CLICK to zoom in to see comments.

 

 

Because I referenced buried dialogue and wordiness in my critique, I figured I'd link to the posts that described those things:

 


Alright, so what did you think of the passage?  Did it hook you?  What did the author do well?  What areas need some work?  Thanks ahead of time for taking the time to give feedback!
 


*Today's Theme Song**
"Everything to Everyone" - Everclear
(player in sidebar--go ahead, take a listen)

 

The Beta Club: Sub. 1 - The Dying Sun (Come critique!)

 


It's here!  Today is the debut of the new critique feature here on Fiction Groupie.  Every Tuesday and Thursday for the next few weeks, I will be posting a critique of a 750 word excerpt submitted to me by one of you generous (and brave) writers out there.  To those of you who have already volunteered, thank you so much in advance.  I hope everyone will find this to be a fun and helpful exercise to go through together.

 

Now, below I will post the excerpt as I received it.  I encourage you to read through it and get your own gut impressions before opening up my critique or reading others comments.  Then, I hope you will take the time to leave your own comments to provide the author with your feedback.  Lastly, remember to always be respectful and constructive with your input.  And don't forget to point out the things you like along with the things you think need improving.

Title: The Dying Sun
Genre: YA Sci-F/Dystopian
Author: The Fantabulous Tina Lynn

Excerpt:
           

     Five in the morning and Lily Brown’s world was already onfire. She resisted the impulse to wipe the sweat from her brow though. Theslightest breeze might ease her suffering. Even if only a little. She reachedinto the white paper bag and pulled out a donut. It was at least a day old,possibly older, but it was food so she never complained. Not that she hadanyone to complain to. She led a solitary existence. No family. No friends. Shewas her only friend. Except now. Right now, this donut was her friend. And shewas about to eat it. Bummer.
            She tookher first bite and chewed thoughtfully on her stale friend inwardly expressingher thanks to old Madge for being hard of hearing. Today was an important dayto listen to the newscast and the old woman was faithful in watching the newsevery morning. Lily washed down her friend with some black coffee. It shouldhave been cold, but it wasn’t. It had been sitting out on the back dock of thedonut shop since last night, so it was pretty warm. She gulped the last of itdown with a wince and settled in under the window. She had become accustomed tohiding here when she needed to listen in to the morning news though ordinarilyshe was listening for reports on the state of the Earth. Everyday things gotworse. Sometimes she wanted to know and others she chose to spend the day inblissful ignorance.
            Today wasdifferent.
            Today theywould be announcing the results of the ARKelections. Something that she was particularly interested in finding out. Therewere several proposals that had been put to vote. Some of which meant certaindeath to Lily if passed.
            She heardthe word ARKand her ears perked up. Her leg position shifted, grazing the bush underneaththe window behind which she was hiding. Lily held her breath, listening for anysign that old Madge had seen the movement in her shrubbery. No such sign occurred;old Madge was nearly blind as well as being hard of hearing, so Lily did nothave too much cause for alarm.
            She liftedher head toward the opening of the window. She was having trouble hearing thetelevision, which was terribly unusual. The sound of soft snoring drifted outto her and she couldn’t suppress the smile that spread as a result. Even thoughMadge was a worthless, evil, old hag Lily had a minute soft spot for the oldlady. She was the quintessential grandmother. She baked cookies and pies, ownedfive thousand cats, was sweeter than honey, and tougher than nails. It was thatlast part that gave Lily trouble. If old Madge caught her under this window,she would likely hit her over the head with the nearest blunt object and callthe authorities to haul her away.
            Lily cameto her senses. She was supposed to be listening to the news not pondering oldMadge’s worth in the universe. She rocked onto the balls of her feet ever sosilently and began lifting her body towards the voice that carried her futurequietly toward her eardrums.
            Onesmallish peek told Lily that old Madge was digging deep into some serious REMsleep. She leaned in as close as she dared and listened intently.
            “…it hasindeed been decided that only the highest of the classes shall be granted aplace on the ARKtransports…”
            Lily felther throat tighten.
            “Well, asyou know, those of us with the most money have provided the most funding. Whyshould we be left behind when we are the very reason the ARKs exist…”
            “Despite ahuge turnout at the polls, it seems the lower classes have not gained anyground in this matter. The ARKs will remain for only the super-elite or anyoneelse rich enough to secure a ticket.”
            “They’ll besorry. There will be no one around to do their dirty work if they truly intendthis to follow through to its conclusion.”
            Lily sankback onto the ground. She had heard enough. Her life was over.
            The sun wasdying…now so was she.

 

Below is my critique.  I also have overall comments at the bottom of the document.  Click on Full Screen to view it.  Once in the document, you can right click to zoom it so you can see the comments.


Alright, so what do you think of the excerpt?  Does it hook you?  What has the author done well?  What areas could the author work on?  And how awesome is she to volunteer to go first?

 

 
 

**Today's Theme Song**
"Black Hole Sun" - Soundgarden
(player in sidebar--go ahead, take a listen)
HMM...maybe I should ask the authors to provide their own theme songs for their posts.

*Feeling brave?  Want to submit to The Beta Club?  Click here for guidelines.*

 

The Beta Club Crit Project is ON! Come sign up!

Cartoon Credit: inkygirl.com

So I am beyond excited that so many of you are willing to volunteer for a public critique here on the blog.  Y'all rock!  I think this is going to be a great exercise for everyone.  I know we can all learn from each other.

Now, as the comments rolled in yesterday I realized--oh, I should probably make some sort of guidelines or rules.  Ha.  Maybe should have thought of that a bit earlier, but better late than never, right?

And so, the rules, my friends...

1.  Participants can submit 500-750 word passages to me via email.  (Click on the blue @ under my picture).  I think that will be a good length to start with.  I know commenters don't have a ton of time to spend, so I don't want the passage to be too long.  You can submit from anywhere in your manuscript but getting your opening critted will probably be of most value.

2.  Please put in the subject line FOR BLOG CRIT and submit attachment as .doc, .docx or .rtf format.  Please DOUBLE SPACE with 12 point font.

3.  Please cut and paste this form and fill it out to include in the email:

Title: 
Genre:
Do you give me permission to post this passage publicly on the Fiction Groupie blog?
Do you give permission for me to use Scribd format to post your crit in PDF form on this blog? (All Scribd documents will be kept as private in Scribd system.  No one will have access except here on the blog.)
What theme song would you like for your post?  If you don't choose one, I'll pick one for you.
Do you want this posted anonymously or do you want your name/link listed on the post? 
*If you do not give permission in questions 1 or 2, I'm sorry, but will not be able to crit your work.*

4.  All authors will have the choice to remain anonymous or to reveal themselves (see form above).  The author will also get a word version of my crit emailed to them after the blog post.

5.  All commenters will agree to be constructive and honest in their feedback.  We are writers who are being supportive of each others journey, so no ugliness, mmm kay?  If you cross the line, I will delete you like an unnecessary adverb.

6.  If an author decides they want their passage pulled down at any point, just let me know and I will remove it.

7.  Passages will go up on a first come basis, so when I get your email, you will be put in queue.  I will let you know when yours is going to be up.

8.  The format will be the following:

Title:
Genre:
The unedited passage (so people can read it through without being influenced by my opinion)
Then my crit of it in Scribd format, which will look like this (you should be able to click on view full screen and once you're in full screen right click to zoom so you can read it--please let me know if that's not working):

Mary Lamb

Then you guys can add your own comments.

9.  All genres except non-fiction and poetry will be accepted (memoir is fine).  If the submission is erotic romance/erotica, please be sure the excerpt is appropriate for my PG-13 blog.  (Cursing is fine, but will be bleeped out via #$*&.)

10.  These rules are subject to change as we learn more.  This feature can be discontinued at any time, which may mean your work doesn't get critiqued.

For now, I'm going to try this out as a Tuesday/Thursday feature.  The success of this will be dependent on your level of participation.  So beyond volunteering to be critted (which is awesome), please take the time to read through people's passages and offer feedback.  If nothing else, you'll get writer karma points.  ;)

Alright, so what do you think?  Am I missing any issues?  Do you think any of the above is going to be a problem?  Is the Scribd format easy to read when you open it (I'm trying to find the easiest way to present the crit--blogger isn't so friendly for that)?  

And finally...submissions are OPEN!  So email me to get your passage in queue!  Thanks guys, I look forward to reading everyone's work.  :)








**Today's Theme Song**
"Come Out and Play" - The Offspring
(player in sidebar--go ahead, take a listen)

How Do You Handle Critiques? (and a call for Volunteers)

 


Getting feedback is a necessary part of this business of writing.  I didn't realize the true meaning of that when I first started--I thought my mom loving my first novel was more than enough.  :)  But as we've discussed before, your mama isn't a valid beta reader.

 

So we go out and we find critique groups or send our manuscript out to beta readers, then we brace ourselves for the feedback.  We know what we want to hear: "You're fabulous, this is ready for submission, you don't need to edit a thing."  But usually the crit is decidedly less stellar (unless it's from your mom.)

So when the tough feedback comes your way?  How do you handle it?  Do you get angry, down on yourself, blame the critiquer, want to give up and go back to your day job?  Or do you breathe through it and look at the feedback as a gift for you to work with?

I've gotten a range of reactions when giving critiques to others's work.  I admit I'm a tough critter.  And I usually warn people of that before I offer to read their stuff.  But of course, people usually say, "Bring it on, I want honesty."

In some cases, that's true.  I've critted for a number of people outside my critique group and most have been awesome about receiving the feedback (including Tina Lynn whose twitter comment to me inspired this post.)  I've also gotten the stunned reaction--the "oh, okay, eighty crit comments on ten pages, um thanks."  Which I take to mean the person is either ticked off at me, dismissing my opinions, or really just needs time to soak the feedback in.

We each have our own way of dealing with those emotions that flood us after hearing the negative feedback.  Some of us tend to direct our anger and frustration outward--being defensive, getting angry at or discrediting/dismissing the critiquer--she doesn't know what she's talking about, this isn't her genre, and anyway, her work isn't that fabulous either.

 Others direct it inward--blaming themselves--I'm never going to be able to do this.  I suck. Why do I even bother?  Most of us tend to lean toward one pattern or the other--and this goes for life in general, not just for this specific situation.  Type ones get mad, type twos get depressed--same emotion just directed in a different way.

I am definitely a type two person.  I blame myself, wonder if I'll ever be good enough, yadda yadda yadda.  I've very rarely been frustrated with the critter themselves.  But either type can learn something from the other.

 

  • Type ones need to take a breath and reflect.  They need to look for the truth in the comments, absorb the responsibility for the mistakes they may have made, and direct the frustration into determining which changes they think are valid and which ones they are going to ignore.  And most of all, do not be rude to the critter.  They took the time to give you honest feedback, which is not an easy thing to do.
  • Type twos need to realize that a crit is just an opinion.  Sure, there is probably truth in most of what someone says, but not everything they say is cardinal law.  If type twos aren't careful, they'll end up flipping their story upside down every time they get a different crit trying to please everyone.  You have to remember that it is ultimately your story.  Make sure you pick and choose which advice you want to go with.
Okay, so related to this topic, I wanted to ask if anyone would be willing to be critted here on the blog?  This would mean you submit your first few pages and I offer a crit in a post along with getting feedback from commenters?  Obviously, this takes some bravery, but also means you could get some invaluable feedback from a bunch of talented writers (a  la Public Query Slushpile or Miss Snark's First Victim).  Everyone could also learn from each other on what to look for in a crit.  

If you think this would be a valuable tool, then let me know in the comments.  If you are willing to submit pages to get that critique, also let me know.  If you don't want to do it in the comments--just email me (click the little blue @ symbol under my picture.)


Alright, so back to the original topic, which camp do you fall in?  How do you handle a bad crit?  Have you ever had anyone get upset with you over a crit you gave them?  
 
 
 


**Today's Theme Song**
"Say It Ain't So" - Weezer
(player in sidebar--go ahead, take a listen)

 

Why Your Mama Doesn't Count as a Beta Reader

 


As I was watching American Idol this week, I realized that the contestants on the show are much like writers trying to get agents or publishing deals.  We all have a dream, we all believe we have some level of talent, and we want to impress the people that can help us realize our dream.

 

These people go on the show, wait in impossibly long lines (slush pile) then present what they've got to the judges (agents) for about a 1% chance of being successful.  So when I'm watching the show and see contestants walk in so hopeful only to open their mouths and sound like a dying cat, I always wonder why these people went through so much trouble?  Don't they know they're terrible?  I mean this guy seems honest in his surprise (sorry this is not from this season, couldn't find a good one yet on YouTube).

But time and time again, we see those contestants break down in tears, exit the room, and run into the arms of their genuinely astonished friends and family.  Inevitably, the mother is murmuring, "They don't know what they're talking about, honey, you're wonderful!"

And herein lies the problem.  If the only people you ever sing for are your family and friends, you're not getting any true help.  They aren't lying to you necessarily--they just love or like you and are looking for the good in you.  This is the same thing that happens if your only beta readers are your mom/friends/co-workers.

ANYONE who has any obligation or loyalty to you in real life is going to see things through rose-colored glasses.  You have to look at what the person has to lose by giving you a harsh feedback.  For instance, if you're writing YA and your friend's teen daughter offers to read your manuscript, she is already set up not to give you a negative opinion.  You are her mother's friend and an adult.  She's going to want to please you.

So, I know I'm probably preaching to the choir, but do not send your work out to agents before you've found  unbiased beta readers (including people who are writers, not just readers) or joined a crit group.  (I'm speaking from experience with novel #1 here.)  Otherwise, you may end up getting the same reaction from the agents that the judges gave the guy in the video above.

Yes, there are some people who are born with some amazing innate talent and nail it the first time with no help.  BUT they are the exception--and if you've watched the movie He's Just Not That Into You--remember that most of us are the rule, not the exception.

So give yourself the best possible chance for that agent to fall in love with your work.  Getting a crit can be terrifying the first few times, but wouldn't you rather hear negative feedback from a fellow writer than blow your opportunity with your dream agent or publisher?  Your manuscript might just be a few critiques away from amazing--give yourself a chance to reach that.

*steps off soap box*

--Alright, you only have until tonight at midnight (central) to enter the "win a crit" contest (are you getting tired of me reminding you yet?), enter here if you haven't already.--

 

**ARE YOU LOOKING FOR BETA READERS OR CRIT GROUP?**

I've noticed a few of you have left comments this week that you are looking for a crit group.  So in addition to regular comments, feel free to leave a "personal" ad for what kind of crit group or beta readers you are looking for and leave your email address so that others who may match up with you can contact you.

 

So am I the only one who jumped the gun on her first novel and queried before I had unbiased beta readers?  When did you decide you needed to join a crit group?  Who would you want as your literary agent--Randy, Simon, or Cara?  


 

**Today's Theme Song**
"I Honestly Love You" - Olivia Newton-John
(player in sidebar, take a listen)

 

Subjecting Myself to Public Opinion (cringe)

 

Today's post at Public Query Slushpile is my query letter for my first novel Shadow Falls. I am feeling a little self-conscious about subjecting myself to public opinion, but I figure it can only help me improve.

Come over and give your opinion. I'd love your feedback (good, bad, or ugly).
Also, Blogger was having issues yesterday, so if you haven't voted in my poll from yesterday, please do. It's located in the right sidebar at the top ----->
Tell me what you want to see for Friday's theme.
Thanks and have a great weekend!