Query Writing: How Brief is Brief?

More Briefs by Alberto Alonso G

I've never been known for brevity. If you read this blog regularly, you know that I almost always break that "keep you blog posts under 500 words" rule. Pfft! Five-hundred words? I laugh in the face of that rule.

However, where the lack of brevity can really kill you is in that query letter. I recently posted about the Reasons Agents Gonged Queries at the writer's conference I attended, and by far, the biggest reason people got gonged is because they went on TOO LONG and tried to include TOO MUCH. The query is not a synopsis. It is a hook and a catchy paragraph to make the agent or publisher want to flip to the manuscript.

In essence, it is a back cover copy or a blurb for your manuscript. Pick up any book you have, that stuff on the back has one purpose--to make you want to buy and read the book. It is a marketing tool. And that's what you need to keep in mind when you query. You are SELLING your book, not explaining every person, plot line, subplot, theme, etc. Pick the things that are most important and hooky in your story and focus on that.

I thought I was pretty decent at this whole query writing thing. Every novel I've queried (even the REALLY bad one) got a good number of full requests. However, when I got my draft of my back cover copy this week, it was glaringly obvious that I could've made my query a lot shorter with a lot more punch. So I'm going to use mine as the example.

The summary section of my original query:
Since her mother’s murder, social worker Brynn LeBreck has dedicated her career to helping women in crisis. But when Brynn’s sister goes missing and is rumored to be at The Ranch, a secretive BDSM retreat for Dallas’ elite, Brynn must tackle her own traumatic past and go undercover as a sexual submissive to find her.  Unfortunately, she can’t get an invitation to the exclusive resort without the help of the one guy she never wanted to share air with again—Reid Jamison, the lawyer who recently defended her mother’s killer and the man who, ten years earlier, opened her heart and shredded her defenses, only to crush her trust when she was most vulnerable.

After a failed marriage and a crippling defeat in the LeBreck case, Reid needs a fresh start.  The first steps—move out of his family’s high-profile practice and construct his client’s appeal. But when he discovers he’ll be sharing an office with the woman he’s never been able to shake from his bones, the one who taught him how to embrace his dominant nature in the first place, the fresh start gains new meaning.  Being near Brynn stirs up the primal desires he hasn’t indulged in years, and he’s not going to let her “I-loathe-you” attitude stand in the way when he finds out she’s in search of a master. Only one man will get the privilege of calling her his, and that man is going to be him. 

The two can't find a future without facing the demons of the past, however, and some of those demons want to make sure Brynn and Reid are never together—even if it means one of them may not make it through their erotic weekend alive. 

See how long that is? It worked for me, but look at the difference between that and what we've come up with for the back cover copy...

CRASH INTO YOU back cover copy:

 

Sometimes the past can bring you to your knees...

Brynn LeBreck has dedicated herself to helping women in crisis, but she never imagined how personal her work would get, or where it would take her. Her younger sister is missing, suspected to be hiding from cops and criminals alike at a highly secretive BDSM retreat—a place where the elite escape to play out their most extreme sexual fantasies. There’s only one way to find her: go undercover as a sexual submissive. Unfortunately, The Ranch is invitation only. And the only Master who can get her in is from the darkest corner of Brynn’s past.

 

Only Brynn knows what attorney Reid Jamison is like once stripped of his conservative suit and tie. Years ago she left herself vulnerable only to have him crush her heart. Now she needs him again. Back on top. And he’s all too willing to engage. But as their primal desires and old wounds are exposed, the sexual games escalate—and so does the danger.  Their hearts aren’t the only things at risk. Someone else is watching, playing by his own rules. And his game could be murder.

Here's what I see as the differences:

1. Significantly shorter

2. Focuses on the two major plot threads
There is a romance between old lovers and there's a murderer out there. (romance and suspense, done.)

3. Backstory, just like in the book, doesn't have to be fleshed out in the query.
No mention of my MC's traumatic past, which is vital to the story, but not necessarily to the summary. No mention of my hero's backstory--his failed marriage, his job troubles, etc. We don't need to know that to want to read the book.

4. The hook is clear
Woman is in danger and has to find her sister, but the only way to do it is to give up control to the only guy who ever broke her heart.

5. Makes you want to read more (hopefully!) 
Neither my query or the cover copy tells you what happens, or who the villain is, or why someone wants someone dead. That's synopsis stuff. The query should leave you with the urge to find out what happens next. It's the appetizer.

QUERY HOMEWORK: So when you start to craft your query, go to the store or your bookshelves and pick out ten or so books in your genre and read the back cover copy. It should be books you've already read so that you can see what was included and WHAT WAS LEFT OUT. Train yourself to recognize what are the most important points in your story and what is vital to include in your query. And focus on hooking, not just explaining.

So what do you think? Do you struggle with brevity like I do? Does my back cover copy do a better job at hooking you than the query? Why or why not? Pick up a few of you favorite books, what are surprised was left out in the back cover copy?


AND A QUICK PSA for an AMAZING opportunity...


Author Ashely March is offering a FULL critique to an aspiring romance author! But you must enter by noon MST today. Go! Hurry! Full crit by a pubbed author people!

Guest Post: Author Miranda Kenneally - Querying Isn't Algebra

Today I have a special treat for you guys. Soon-to-debut YA author Miranda Kenneally! She's sticking with your theme this week and giving us the low down on queries and her own querying experience. AND, if that wasn't awesome enough, she's giving away query critiques to THREE lucky winners. So make sure you enter the contest AND LEAVE A COMMENT! :)

Now over to Miranda...

 

Thanks to Roni for having me today! I’ll be up front with you all. I’m a TERRIBLE blogger. Seriously. I only blog if I have something semi-important to say or if I need to rant about something. I can’t just sit down and blog. Unless y’all want to hear about Star Trek or Mexican food or wine or The Beatles. Or want me to write a long list of books I think you should read.

So, naturally, I had a hard time coming up with something to discuss today. Therefore I’m going to expand on a post I did several months ago about queries. My agent (Like Roni, I’m also repped by Sara Megibow) said she agrees with my thoughts 100%. I hope most of you haven’t read it. And even if you have, I have a surprise at the end of the post after some other random thoughts.

Querying Isn’t Algebra: There’s No Set Formula

Recently I participated in an online chat about queries. Everyone was throwing their ideas out, so I decided to give some opinions, based on what worked for me.

First, some stats. I sent out 17 query letters. Based on my letter and sample pages, I received 9 requests for a full. Also, I broke just about EVERY query letter “rule” there is: I wrote in first person; I used more than 500 words; I used a freaking split infinitive; and I wrote a long paragraph about myself.

So during this chat, I said:

“I think it’s a good idea to compare your book to other books. It will show that you read in your genre and that you understand the market. For instance, if you’ve written a book about angels, you should say, ‘My book is different from HUSH, HUSH and FALLEN because _____.’ Why? Because everyone already has their angel book, so yours really needs to stick out if you want to get pulled out of the slush.”

This piece of advice, which worked for me when I queried, just set people off. Other chatters said, “You should never compare yourself to other writers!” and “Comparisons like that make agents mad!” and “You should never say you’ve written the next HARRY POTTER or TWILIGHT!”

That’s not what I said.

I’m not trying to tell you what’s right or wrong in terms of querying, but what MATTERS. All that matters is that you’ve written a crazy awesome good book that people will want to read. Who cares what you write in your query letter as long as you show:

1) A powerful hook
2) Originality
3) Voice
4) A command of English grammar
5) A link to your website/blog/Twitter feed
6) You aren’t a complete nutjob

** Of course, follow the agent’s/agency’s guidelines.

This is just my opinion, but I’ve seen other people who’ve broken all the “querying rules,” and have ended up getting agents and book deals.

Query what feels natural and forget the formula.

Spend the time you use looking for the formula to edit and make your book even more awesome.

Here are some random thoughts on writing, querying, the publishing world, etc:

·         I don’t critique queries very often (NO TIME), but nearly every time that I have read one my first impression was that the book itself wasn’t ready to go to an agent. For instance, someone will have written a 50,000 word mainstream novel for adults and I have to say, “I think you need to double your word count. Add more themes or subplots or something.”  Not only should you know your audience, you need to know what books in that genre read like.

·         Another problem I’m seen is too much voice. I know you’re wondering how too much voice can be a bad thing. I struggle with this myself, so I like to point it out when I can. This is using three or more sentences to tell something that you could show in one. Example:

“And then he kissed me. I didn’t like it. He didn’t know what he was doing. I wish we hadn’t kissed in the first place, because he’s obviously never kissed anyone before. Ugh. Gross.”

“And then he kissed me. I might as well have been making out with an eel, and it was that particular eel’s first kiss ever.” (Terrible example, I know, but I hope you get what I’m saying.)

·         Know the market. Read, read, read. I read a ton. At this point, I actually read more than I write. For enjoyment, and to study. I study plot arcs. I study character development. I study plot twists and upping the stakes. This is going to sound ridiculous, and it might lessen your enjoyment of reading, but you need to get to the point where you can basically tell what is going to happen in a book. You need to know how to pick up on clues and how they fit in with the overall plot and the author’s themes. There are only a few authors who can pull a fast one on me (e.g. Courtney Summers, and geez, Beth Revis just totally threw me for a loop with her new book ACROSS THE UNIVERSE.)

·         Social networking is a must. However, working toward perfecting your craft is the most important thing you can do. I spent a long time writing and writing and writing before I ever got involved in Twitter and the writing blogosphere. If you want to break into publishing and you can’t write, none of the blogging/social networking matters. So write, write, write.

·         It does not get “easier” once you have an agent. Sure, your access to the publishing world is a whole hell of a lot better, but that doesn’t mean you can slack off or stop being original. If anything, I’ve had to work a lot – a LOT – harder since I signed with an agent.

Anyway, if you’re interested, I’m giving away a query critique to three people. But you have to fill out the form AND in the comments, recommend a good young adult book to read, and tell me why you loved it and what sets it apart from the rest of the market. Roni will pick the three winners at random.

Thanks for having me today! J

 Miranda Kenneally is the author of SCORE, a contemporary YA novel about football, femininity, and hot boys, coming from Sourcebooks Fire in late 2011. She enjoys reading and writing young adult literature, and loves Star Trek, music, sports, Mexican food, Twitter, coffee, and her husband. Follow her on Twitter or Facebook. Miranda is represented by Sara Megibow at Nelson Literary Agency.

CONTEST CLOSES AT MIDNIGHT CENTRAL ON SUNDAY! Winners announced next Wednesday.

Guest Post: Literary Assistant Anita Mumm on Queries

Today I have a terrific guest for you guys. Nelson Lit's Literary Assistant Anita Mumm! There have been some posts lately about the dire numbers of clients signed from cold querying. In response to some of those reports, author/blogger Jody Hedlund recently asked: is the query system dying?

Well, I didn't really know the answer to that question. I did get to Sara via a client referral, so this made me wonder. But I figured instead of just pondering, I'd go straight to a source that could give us some insight. Anita is on the front lines of the slushpile at Nelson Lit, so I posed the question to her. Is there hope for a new writer to get an agent via a cold query? And now I'll turn it over to Anita for her answer.

IS THERE HOPE FOR YOUR QUERY?

There’s a rumor floating around cyberspace that agents don’t read blind queries anymore. That unless you’re already published, or recommended by Famous Author X, you might as well stuff your letter in a bottle and pitch it out to sea. The slush pile is dead.

Well, let me start by saying that if the slush pile is dead, I sure feel silly spending so much time wading through ours every day. *grin* On average, we get just over a hundred queries a day, and yes, we read them all. What we’re NOT looking for is an excuse to reject a query because it doesn’t contain enough name-dropping or publishing credits. Don’t get me wrong—those can definitely help, but they are not essential. When I read a query, I’m looking for a combination of the following: unique story, hot topic, strong voice (one that, we hope, mirrors what we’ll see in the manuscript), compelling characters, and an ability to be both thorough and concise—capturing the essence of the story in a couple of paragraphs is no small feat.

Here is an interesting statistic for you: 75% of our clients were cold queries (i.e. non-referrals). Yep, that means they were sifted out of the slush pile based solely on the strength of their writing in a one-page letter. Next, their 30-page sample made the cut, and we requested a full manuscript. Kristin or Sara fell in love, and the rest is history.

I can’t offer numbers from other agencies, but the fact that we frequently compete for the same hot manuscripts—from the slush pile—shows that we are not an anomaly here.

That said, I’d hate to mislead anyone by implying this is an easy process. Remember those 100 queries a day? So that means in a year we see…merciful heavens, that number is too scary for me to even think about writing! Makes my eyes bleed! And out of that scary number, our agents sign a tiny handful of new clients.  The odds are not in your favor.

But when have the odds ever been favor of wild, unrealistic dreams? Good thing JK Rowling and Suzanne Collins and Paul Harding didn’t waste time worrying about their chances. And neither did our clients, who have become NYT bestsellers, among many other honors. It started with a query letter.

Believe in your writing. Let it speak for itself. And by all means, learn how to perfect your pitch—that part doesn’t have to come naturally. Kristin’s query workshop on her blog (http://pubrants.blogspot.com/) is a great tutorial if you need a kick-start, and here is the link to some great examples of our clients’ original query letters: http://nelsonagency.com/faq.html#7

Happy writing.

Anita recently joined the NLA team as literary assistant. A compulsive book collector whose interests span the genres, she chose her current neighborhood based on the number of bookstores within walking distance. She received a B.A. in linguistics and French from the University of Kansas and an M.A. in Teaching English as a Second Language from the University of Illinois. She has taught English and creative writing to international students in the U.S., France, and China. Anita is thrilled to bring her love of language, writing, and other cultures to her new position at the Nelson Agency. She shares a cozy apartment near downtown Denver with a curvy kitty named Francine.

\
Now Anita is generously donating a query critique for a prize, so don't forget to enter the contest. You'll also be included to win the other query crits up for grabs as well. But remember, you need to comment on both this post and friday's, and fill out this form to enter. :)

Thanks again, Anita!

WIP Wednesday & The Carlton

Is it Wednesday already? This week is flying by. I've been keeping so busy that the days have gone by quickly. I spent the week in edits. I rewrote half a chapter that wasn't fitting with my character and feel good about the changes. This leaves me two chapters away from finishing the first edit of my romance. Woo-hoo!

After that, I will wait on the rest of the critiques from my crit buddies. The feedback I've received so far has been super encouraging, so I'm taking a big sigh of relief that others are liking my story. I never know until I put it out there if people are going to enjoy it and "get" my sense of humor or be like--what is up with this chick? Does she think she's funny? And then there are the love scenes. I'm not sure I'd be able to survive an in person critique group. I blush just uploading the steamy files to the online group, lol.

Also, on the progress front, I have tackled the dreaded query letter. After quivering in fear for two weeks, I decided to face it head on this weekend. After many days of writing, rewriting, and leaning on my crit group for advice, I think I'm just about there. A few words tweaked here and there and I think I'm good to go. *breaks into the Carlton*

 Okay, I feel better.

By the way, I highly recommend having others look at your query letter before you send it out. My final version is so much better than the version I started with on my own. If you don't have crit buddies/beta readers, at least post it on the public query slushpile to get some outside opinions.

Now, I'll have to move on to my next favorite part of the process--the (dun, dun , dun) synopsis. Hopefully by next WIP Wednesday, I'll have finished that as well.

So how is your WIP looking? Do you let others crit your query letter? Any synopsis advice for me? And is anyone else blushing at submitting love scenes to their beta readers?

**Today's Theme Song**

"With A Little Help From My Friends" - Joe Cocker

(player in sidebar--go ahead, take a listen)