Self-Care In Stressful Times for the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)

This isn't about books, but it's a post I've been thinking about for a while. Right now, we are in a highly stressful time in our country (regardless of what side you fall on.) Things feel unsettled. Things we took for granted are getting upended. Every day we get online and there are new stress bombs exploding all over the place. Almost everyone I know is feeling overwhelmed and bombarded.

And how we react to that stress and process it can be very different. Some people are soothed by jumping into the fray, knowing every single thing that's going on so they can stay on top of it, debating their points in a public forum. That is an absolutely valid way to tackle things and we need people who can do that. However, there is also a group of people who will get destroyed emotionally if they spend too much time in the mix.

I realized a few years ago that I fall into a personality type that's been labeled the Highly Sensitive Person. There are a number of traits and you can take a quiz here from Dr. Elaine Aron, the psychologist who developed the model. Some traits are sensitivity to loud noises, chaotic environment, and violence movies/TV, etc. But it also can mean you have very high empathy and sensitivity to people's moods/feelings, which can be a good thing but can also make you feel completely torn apart if you're not careful with what you expose yourself to. Being this way was probably what drew me to become a therapist in the first place, BUT it's also the thing that made me leave that profession because I couldn't leave work at work. I carried the emotions of my clients (children, in my case) home with me every night. It was too much. I think it's also why I was drawn to romance novels in the first place. Some people think happy endings are trite. I think they're life-affirming and soothing. I can read tragic books, but I have to prepare for them and know what I'm getting into. I also can only handle maybe 1 or 2 tragic books a year because I feel a bit traumatized by them.

And I've found that with the current state of our world, this HSP (highly sensitive person) part of my personality has been activated in full. When I go on Twitter and see all the news stories of the day or people arguing their points, I want to crawl under my desk. I know I need to stay in the know with what's going on and take action in ways that are important, but I've accepted that I have to do that in my own way. I have to limit my exposure to everything because otherwise, it takes me down an unhealthy road. Self-care is not optional if I want to continue to do my job, be a wife, be a mom, etc.

So, basically, the point of this post is that if you find that you're feeling beat up emotionally, are completely distracted, are dragging the weight of the world with you everywhere, or feeling constantly anxious or sad, DO NOT berate yourself for needing to check out for a while to take care of yourself. Recharge. Talk to a professional counselor if you need to. Do the things that make you happy. Spend quality time with your loved ones. Do the things that bring you peace in some way. It doesn't mean you don't care about what's happening in the world, it just means that you're the type of person who needs to limit your exposure to it in order to be the best version of yourself that you can be. It's not a fault, it's alternative wiring.

So I thought I'd put together some tips on how to go about this and what's been working for me.

Self-Care Tips for Highly Sensitive People

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1. Turn off the noise - Not just figuratively but literally create quiet. Highly sensitive people are more sensitive to sounds, violence on TV, arguing, etc. So turn off the internet/TV, grab a book, go for a walk, visit the library, etc. And even if you aren't an HSP, there are proven benefits to silence.

2. Turn to the hobbies that give you peace - Reading, Cooking, Crafting, Gardening. Binge watching a TV series. Find the things that recharge you. You know what they are, but often they get lost in the shuffle (or lost in internet time for most of us) and are deemed expendable. They are not expendable. They are juice for your mental batteries.

3. Chores or methodical tasks can actually be soothing - I'm finding that anything methodical can be soothing. I've been listening to podcasts (click here to see my lists of favorites and I've binge listened to this one lately, too) while I do dishes or cook or fold laundry, and it's been oddly calming. Also, there's something satisfying about seeing things done. A nice meal on the table. A pile of folded laundry. It reestablishes some sense of control.

4. Move your body - Walking. Yoga. Whatever your favorite way is to get the blood flowing. Meditation isn't moving your body but can also be tremendously helpful.

5. Limit your exposure to the constant onslaught of news - For many decades, people survived with just having the evening news. Twenty-four hour news and the internet have changed all that, but it doesn't mean we NEED to watch for all those hours or read every post. I've found that it's best for me to watch Good Morning America's opening to get the day's headlines and then watch my local news in the evening. I get the information I need, stay informed, but don't have to subject myself to people yelling at each other and the endless cycle of "Breaking News". 

6. Edit your social media and the time you spend on it - I love social media, but it can suck the life out of you, too. I've had to greatly limit my Twitter time lately. I have blocked certain words on there. I have unfollowed (you can do that without un-friending) lots of people on Facebook and pretty much just go onto FB to participate in some of the groups I'm in and my own page and reader group. Fashion your social media to give you more exposure to the things you enjoy and less to the things that drag you down.

7. Take action in a way that works for you - If taking action is important to you, you can do that in quieter but still effective ways: writing letters/emails, voting, sending money or volunteering for causes/charities that are important to you. Action doesn't always have to be loud. Introverts have done some pretty amazing things in this world. 

8. Spend time with the people you love - Remind yourself of the good parts of your life. Your family. Your kids. Your dog. Your neighbors. Your book club. Whatever it is for you.

9. Laugh - Cue up that hilarious movie. Pick up that fun romance novel. Dance with your kids. (Last weekend I somehow ended up doing the NKOTB "The Right Stuff" dance for my kidlet and that cracked us both up.) Put on music you love and sing along while you do chores. It's okay and necessary to be ridiculous sometimes.

10. Be productive - This isn't the most fun one but I know a lot of us have been distracted from work. In January, I threw myself into writing and wrote about 30k words. That's a lot for me in a month and it felt damn good to get something done. I think it goes back to having that sense that you're in control, i.e. I am capable of doing this thing and finishing something. 

So those are the things that are working for me. I'd love to hear what's working for some of you. Any other HSPs out there? Anyone else hiding under their desk with me? 

Finding Your Happy Place on the (Often Negative) Internet

The internet and social media can be a lot of things. Work. Information. Distraction. Fun. A place to keep up with distant friends and family. But, as we all know, it can also often be a negative place. Ugly stuff. Trolls. Arguments. Hate. 

That's nothing new. It's been there from the start. But lately, I've found that some of my "happy" places on the internet--the places I go for a break from work or stress--are becoming more and more unhappy, tense, or negative. And instead of finding an escape from stress, I'm finding more of it.

For me, Twitter used to be my watercooler where I'd "hang out" while working from home. Fun pics. Book recommendations. Funny comments. Chatting with friends. There was a lightness to it. And there is still a lot of that aspect there, but lately, there's also been so much heavy stuff. Heated debates. People calling out others. Arguing. Ugly comments. Facebook can be the same, especially around election time. 

And I'm not saying those type of things shouldn't be talked about on social media. Everyone should use their platform how they see fit. And a lot of those topics are important ones, things that should be discussed. But being exposed to it every day sometimes feels like an avalanche of ugh feelings, makes the world feel like an impossibly dark place. Kind of like watching the news all day. It can affect your mood and weigh on you.

I write romance for a reason. It offers a temporary respite, a safe place to escape. I think we all need places to escape sometimes, places where we focus on the bright parts of the world, the things that make us smile or laugh or get excited. It's good self-care. It helps balance things out.

Sometimes we just need fluffy kitten and puppy pictures, dammit. :) 

kitten massage in #cat

So though I always have books to provide a happy place for me, I've also found myself yearning for my happy place on the internet. Somewhere that I can go and just chat about nothing too heavy or look at pretty/silly/funny things or make new friends. And lately, I'm finding that I gravitate to a few specific places:

1. Instagram - I'm still kind of a newbie to Instagram, but it's quickly become one of my favorite places to take a "mind break." Cute pictures of friend's pets, funny pictures, planner p0rn, gorgeous landscapes. It's a place where people post things to make you smile, where they share the best little things in their day. (Come find me on Instagram if you want to join me in my happy place.)

2. Facebook groups - My solution to FB being kind of negative has been finding (or creating) FB groups. There's my Fearless Romantics Reader group, which is a happy place to talk about books. And then I'm in a planner group of publishing/writer people. We nerd out about planners, notebooks, pens. It's silly and fun and I've met new friends through it. It is such a happy place.

3. YouTube - Okay, this one isn't overly social for me. But since I've gotten into planners, I've spent way too much time watching people's videos on how they decorate their planners and such. it's also become my go to place when I'm researching products I might by, like when I was on the search for my mechanical keyboard.

4. Etsy - So this one can get expensive, lol. But I love seeing people (particularly women) open up their own businesses and sharing their creativity with the world. There are so many beautiful things there. And you feel good about buying there because you're supporting peoples' passions and small businesses.

There are a few others like Pinterest, but their interface often annoys me, so I don't spend as much time there as I would if I could adjust how things work, lol. But in general, those are my main go to places when I need a break.

So, I'm curious. What's your happy place on the internet? Or maybe just your happy place in general? When the worlds gets too stressful, what's your go to "brain break"?