Nerding Out About The Four Tendencies by Gretchen Rubin

If y'all know me at all, you know I love me a Gretchen Rubin book. Since The Happiness Project I have been a devoted fan. I've loved each one of her books and I regularly listen to her podcast. So, of course, when she released a new book this week about The Four Tendencies, I had it on pre-order and read it immediately.

If you're not familiar with Rubin's Four Tendencies, the concept was introduced in her book on habits, Better Than Before. It's basically a personality framework that divides people into four categories based on how they respond to inner and outer expectations.

The Four Types:

Upholders - Meet outer expectations (what other people expect you to do) and inner expectations (what goals you set for yourself) without much trouble. They thrive under routines and like structure. No one needs to remind them to get stuff done or hold them accountable. They'll just get it done. They can also be seen as uptight and rigid. Think Hermione in Harry Potter. (This is what I am.)

Questioners - Meet inner expectations but resist outer because they want an explanation. This is my husband. Why is that a rule? That makes no sense. I'm not doing that. So basically, they only meet outer expectations if they believe those expectations make sense to them. If not, good luck. (Since I'm a rule-follower, this can drive of us both crazy because we butt heads over this.)

Obligers - Meet outer expectations but resist inner. These are the people who will do anything for someone else, but when it comes to keeping their own goals, they struggle if they don't have some kind of outside accountability like a deadline or a buddy who is calling and checking on them. So if they have to meet a friend to run every morning, they go because they don't want to let their friend down and, therefore, can stick to the habit. But if they were going on a solo run and no one was paying attention whether they did it or not, they would struggle to keep the habit. (This type is highly represented among my friends and fellow writers. Those who are great at taking care of others but not so great at giving time/effort to themselves.)

Rebels - Resist both inner and outer expectations. "You can't make me and neither can I" is one of the mottos she lists for Rebels. Rebels don't like to be confined by any rules or expectations. Even if they want to do something, if someone tells them to, then they resist. 

That's just a brief overview and you can take a quiz on her website to find out your type, but knowing what category you fall into can be surprisingly helpful when trying to set habits and stick to them. It also can help you deal better with people around you when you know your type and also know their type. The book goes into a lot more detail and has great information about how to deal with this at work, in relationships, and with your kids. I learned a lot of new tips and am trying to figure out what my kidlet's type is (I'm thinking Questioner.)

Also, I think this book helped clarify a lot because I thought I knew my type from the first book but after reading more in depth in this one, I realized I was wrong. I thought I might be a Rebel because as soon as I agree to something, I don't want to do it anymore. But I realized that rebellion is not why I'm resisting. I'm an Upholder, so my inner expectations trump outer expectations. So I don't want to do something when/if an outer expectation impedes on an inner expectation. Like if my habit is that every Sunday I go to the grocery store but then I have to go to a last minute event on Sunday during that time, I get annoyed and don't want to go because I don't like changes in my routine. (See, I'm an uptight Hermione.) But it also explains why I was that student who never had to be told to do her homework. I just did it. My parents didn't have to lean over my shoulder for anything. Neither did bosses in the working world. I also can set goals for myself that no one else knows about and stick to them (which is good since I'm a writer and no one is watching to make sure I do my work.) So it's a good thing (gets stuff done) but also bad (not so flexible).

So knowing this can help me check myself when I'm being too rigid or uptight about something. Or if my Questioner husband explains that "no, you don't have to follow those instructions exactly because this way is more efficient", I can hear him. Self-awareness is a good thing. ; )

So if you're a personality nerd like me and want to know where you fall on the scale and how to use it to your advantage, I highly recommend The Four Tendencies (and all of Gretchen Rubin's other books.)

About the book:

In this groundbreaking analysis of personality type, bestselling author of Better Than Before and The Happiness Project Gretchen Rubin reveals the one simple question that will transform what you do at home, at work, and in life. 
 
During her multibook investigation into understanding human nature, Gretchen Rubin realized that by asking the seemingly dry question "How do I respond to expectations?" we gain explosive self-knowledge. She discovered that based on their answer, people fit into Four Tendencies: Upholders, Questioners, Obligers, and Rebels. Our Tendency shapes every aspect of our behavior, so using this framework allows us to make better decisions, meet deadlines, suffer less stress, and engage more effectively. 
More than 600,000 people have taken her online quiz, and managers, doctors, teachers, spouses, and parents already use the framework to help people make significant, lasting change.  
The Four Tendencies hold practical answers if you've ever thought...
·         People can rely on me, but I can't rely on myself.
·         How can I help someone to follow good advice?
·         People say I ask too many questions.
·         How do I work with someone who refuses to do what I ask—or who keeps telling me what to do?
With sharp insight, compelling research, and hilarious examples, The Four Tendencies will help you get happier, healthier, more productive, and more creative. It's far easier to succeed when you know what works for you.

Buy the book

So what do you think your type is?

Personality Types & To Do Lists

This week I sat down with my nicely organized and detailed planner and looked at my daily list. It wasn't anything unexpected or overly daunting (okay, writing new words is always daunting, but that's always on my list so I'm used to it.) However, I found myself digging in my heels about doing the smallest things on the list. Box up a book prize. Schedule a dentist appointment for my son. Set up flu shots. I looked at the list and just DID NOT WANT TO DO THE THINGS.

On Tuesday, I was supposed to schedule some appointments and maybe blog. Instead, I decided to completely clean out my closet. Something that I wouldn't have done if it had been on the To Do list. :-/

And I've found that it happens a lot for me. I LOVE my planner. I love setting it up each week and knowing what's coming. But for some reason, once a task is written down on a particular day, I resist. Now, usually, that means I'm still going to get it done, but not that day. For instance, this week, 80% of the nagging, non-writing tasks were done this morning (Friday). 

So it got me to thinking again about personality and habits. Why do I feel this resistance? And it reminded me of a book I'd read earlier in the year--Better Than Before by Gretchen Rubin. It's a book about habits but within it, there's a framework describing how we approach things/tasks in our lives. Rubin refers to them as the Four Tendencies. She's writing a full book about just the tendencies that isn't out yet (and that I'm very excited about), but Better Than Before covers them in overview and her podcasts and blogs go into more detail. 

Basically, there are four types according to Gretchen Rubin:

Upholders - They meet both inner and outer expectations without having to fight too hard to do it. If they set a goal for themselves, they meet it. If their boss sets a goal for them, they meet it.

Obligers - They meet outer expectations but struggle to meet inner expectations. Basically, these are the "givers". They'll do anything for others to the point of wearing themselves out, but if they set goals for themselves, they let themselves down often. They need outer accountability to keep them on track.

Questioners - They'll meet inner expectations but will only meet outer expectations if they makes sense to them. This is my husband. He wants to know, "Why?" Why am I doing this? Why is this rule this way? Why is this procedure done this way? If he doesn't buy into the answer, he won't do it.

Rebels - Resists inner and outer expectations. One of the podcasts had a listener who summed up the rebel motto as "You can't make me, and neither can I." Lol. Rebels only do things they WANT to do, that they find enjoyable, or that someone matches up with their identity.

To find out your type if you're unsure, you can go here and take Gretchen's free quiz.

When I first read the book, I thought I was an Upholder because, in general, I've always considered myself a rule follower. I was a straight A student. I did well at jobs. If the sign says, Don't Walk, I don't. My husband, on the other hand, will walk if there are no cars coming.

However, after looking at it more deeply and listening to her podcasts for better understanding, I looked back on this year and things through my life and realized--I'm a rebel. A quiet one. In my head, I imagined rebels to be more out there, easily identified. But I'm an introvert. I like to fly under the radar (hence the rule following in public.) But I rebel quietly. I've never enjoyed having a boss, so I followed my passion and became a writer. And not just a writer, but a writer of erotic romance, which is a rebellion in and of itself. I wasn't a straight A student to please anyone. I liked school. I liked being called smart. That was part of my identity, which apparently is a key for rebels--to make something part of how you define yourself. And through my life, I've consistently done my own thing. I don't work hard to fit in. If I do, great. If I don't, *shrug*. But if you met me, you'd never think--ooh, super rebellious. 

But how does this play into To Do lists and productivity?

For me, I'm learning that the easiest way to get me not to do something is to tell me to do it. I might have wanted to do it, but once I'm told I must, I'm out. It's not a conscious thing but it's consistent.

So, for instance, obligatory reading. Y'all know I love reading more than anything and always have. But, the books we were assigned in school? I read Cliff's notes. I could never really pinpoint why except that I knew I didn't want to read that ASSIGNED book, no matter what it was. And the same thing has happened when my agent or an editor has asked me to read another author's book for a potential endorsement. As soon as I agree, I suddenly don't want to read the book even if it's a book I would've picked up on my own to read. I already hate it. Now it is an obligation. So I've learned to stop saying yes to those and instead, if I read a book that I loved and the author may benefit from an endorsement, I will write one and send it to the author or their agent in case they want to use it. Because then it's on my terms. No one asked me to do it. (This is also why I don't accept book review requests on this blog.) Weird, I know. Frustrating to me to, but it seems to be how I'm wired.

Now in that same scenario, if you are an Upholder, you would read the book on time and get the endorsement there with no problem. If you are an Obliger, you'd read the whole book on time even if you hated it, and then you'd feel guilty if you didn't like it and would probably still give an endorsement so you don't hurt anyone's feelings. If you're a questioner, you'd read the book if you thought it was something you might enjoy, and you'd only finish and endorse it if you loved it.

So what I'm learning for To Do lists is that maybe me writing them down is setting off my big NOPE gene. "You're not going to tell me what to do, planner." And as a rebel, it's odd that I have a planner at all, but one of the keys to getting a rebel to do something is to make it fun or make it something that is part of their identity. I've made planners a hobby. It's decorative. It's fun. If I just had some plain planner, I wouldn't use it. But anyway, someone in one of the podcasts suggested Rebels could make a "Could Do" list, not tying things to a day. "These are the things I could do today..." I may try that next week. Make one big list in my Inkwell Press (pictured above) and do the tasks that I'm in the mood for each day and record that in my Day Designer as I go. I need to trick myself, which is sad, but it is what it is. And each tendency has to trick themselves in some way. 

But if you're an Upholder, To Do lists will be your jam. You want all the gold stars. Obligers might dread the To Do lists because you know once you write it down, you will be COMPELLED to do it and will feel bad until you do. Questioners will use To Do lists if it makes sense to them (my hubs is not big on them.)

So this is only one aspect I'm applying the tendencies toward, but it's food for thought. I love thinking about this stuff and trying to come up with more effective ways to do things. So I highly recommend the Better Than Before book and the Happier podcasts if you want to learn more.

Has anyone else read the book? Or if you take the quiz, what tendency are you? Are you surprised? Do you know without taking the quiz?