Creating Your Personal Commandments (Plus, I'm sharing mine!)

If you’ve followed me for any amount of time, you know that I love a self-improvement book. I feel like life is an ongoing science experiment, and there are always ways to tweak or improve things. And one of my go to experts in the self-improvement space is Gretchen Rubin. I’ve loved her books The Happiness Project, Happier at Home, and Better than Before, and I’m a regular listener to her podcast.

So when she announced that she would be having a year long Happiness Project course (no link because enrollment is closed), I was excited to sign up. Each month she tackles one area/topic, and there are assignments to do. In January, one of the assignments was to come up with your personal commandments. I can’t remember which of her books she tackled this in, but I think it was The Happiness Project.

The basic premise is that as we go through life, we learn certain truths about ourselves. We learn what works for us and what doesn’t. We make mistakes and have victories and gain insight from both. But often, we just kind of let those truths hover in the background, often not even recognizing them. However, Gretchen Rubin has an exercise that brings those truths to the forefront—the personal commandments.

Your personal commandments are those truths you’ve learned about yourself that make your life better if you stick to them. She suggest making a list of them because it helps remind you what you should do. This can be a really helpful list to have on hand when you’re feeling chaotic or like you’ve gotten off track. It can also help if you’re having trouble making a decision. These commandments can serve as easy-to-remember life mottos personalized to you.

I did the exercise last month, and I’m finding it really helpful. I printed out my list and have tucked it into my planner so that each week, I’m prompted to review them. Even after just a month, most of them are already ingrained in my brain now.

So, if you want to see what the personal commandments can look like, I’m sharing mine today. I encourage you to come up with your own because it’s been surprisingly helpful to have these on hand. Some of mine might apply to you as well, but I suggest you dig deep and look at what works best for your personality. What works best for me may not be a fit for you. What has history taught you? What lessons have you learned? What do you already know about yourself? Start there.

But first, here are mine…

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My Personal Commandments

1. Be Prepared

No, I’m not a Boy Scout, but this is one I’ve learned time and again. I get anxious when I’m not prepared. I could probably change this to Be Over-Prepared, and it would be more accurate. I function best when I’ve taken my time to prepare for something. I’ve mapped out directions (and printed them in case the GPS freezes up). I’ve made notes to refer to for a presentation in case the power point projector at the venue doesn’t work (something that’s happened before.) I bring snacks if there’s a chance I could get delayed somewhere. I am not a spontaneous, on-the-fly person. That is a personal truth I’ve learned and accepted.

2. Take time to think

This is one that has been a huge revelation in my writing life over the past year or two (one I discovered taking Becca Syme’s classes). I took the Strengthsfinder test, and one of my top 5 strengths is called Intellection. It means I like to think A LOT, and I need to have time to think. This is true in all aspects of my life, but is particularly important in my writing because when I rush the thinking (by charging ahead and trying to hit a word count), I end up hitting a block or going in the wrong direction. Thinking time needs to count as work time for me. If I hit a point in the story where I’m not sure what happens next or something feels off, I need to give myself time and space to think on it without feeling guilty for not getting words on the page. I used this method writing the last book and hit no writer’s block for the first time in at least ten books. A revelation!

3. Input Input Input

This is another discovery from the Strengthsfinder test. My number 2 strength is called Input, which means I need to take in a TON of information in order to be happy and creative. So if I get too busy and stop reading, watching interesting TV shows, reading articles, and learning things, I get stuck creatively. The tank is empty, and I get stressed and overwhelmed. So this commandment is to remind me that taking in all that information is a vital part of the creative process for me. It does not mean I’m wasting time or slacking.

4. Achievement is the reward

In the past, I’ve never been able to figure out why I wasn’t motivated by a reward structure. I’d hear writers say “If I write this many words this week, I get to go shopping at X place or I’ll treat myself to a nice dinner.” That doesn’t work for me at all. It doesn’t motivate me. However, I’m motivated by writing my word count on a wall calendar. What the hell is that about? Well, I’ve figured out that the achievement is the reward for me. I didn’t get straight As as a kid because my parents gave me money for a good report card. I got the As because I wanted the As. That was the reward. Knowing this about myself helps me structure my goal-setting in more effective ways. For instance, I’m using Sarra Cannon’s kanban board method for 90-day planning, and I’m super motivated by moving a sticky note from the To Do section to the Done section. That’s the reward for me. It’s working.

5. If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no

I didn’t make up this saying, but I’ve been using it as a mental go-to for a couple of years now. At one point, I had it on a sticky note stuck to my monitor because I’d found myself saying yes to too many things. And saying yes to the wrong things means saying no to the things I actually want/need to be doing. It leads to overwhelm and takes away focus from my important goals and life stuff. If I say yes to traveling to every writer or reader conference or book signing, I’m saying no to my writing time and time with my family. So I’ve become super selective about the things I say yes to. I just got back from a signing with Nora Roberts at her bookstore in Maryland. That was a hell yes! But I’ve said no to many things in between because I just can’t do them all and still accomplish what I want to accomplish.

6. Honor the cycles

Over time, we all find patterns and cycles in our lives. For me, this simply means to be aware that there are cycles and to work with that. Monthly cycles, seasonal cycles, business cycles, etc. For instance, I’ve learned the months I get the most work done and the ones that inevitably are difficult, so I plan accordingly now. I almost always get sick some time in December or January. It’s a pattern I need to be aware of because that means I’ll need a week off somewhere in that zone.

7. Take vitamins

This one is self-explanatory, but as someone who has suffered with a Vitamin D deficiency, I need to keep this on my radar always.

8. Movement makes me feel better

I am not a person who loves exercise. This has been a lifelong battle. When I was a kid, I played three sports. I got exercise without knowing it. But since then, it’s been a struggle. However, I like yoga and I feel better when I’m doing it consistently. But man, can I find one hundred other things to do instead. So this commandment is to remind me of the outcome. If I do yoga, I have less muscle aches and feel stronger. I want to feel that way, so I try to use this as motivation to roll out that yoga mat.

9. Trust my instincts

I’ve learned that I’m a pretty intuitive person. When I go against my gut instinct, it usually doesn’t go well. So this is a simple one to remind me to trust myself, my instincts, and my impressions of people.

10. Start small but START

This is my anti-procrastination commandment. I’ve learned that once I start, even the tiniest step, I’m over the biggest hurdle in getting going. (Oh, inertia.) For instance, if I’m dithering and need to be writing, if I just open the doc and put on my writing music, I’m probably going to start writing. If I lay out my yoga mat, I’m going to do yoga. So if I’m dragging my feet with something and know I need to get started, I’ll just tell myself, “Just do this one little thing. That’s all you need to do right now.” And it’s a mental trick. I’m not committing to “writing the next chapter”, I’m just committing to “opening the document and turning on the music.” I used it today to start writing this blog post. I was feeling lazy, so I told myself just to open the doc and type up the headings.

11. Outer order = Inner calm

This is lifted directly from the title of Gretchen Rubin’s next book, but it fits for me. I am more calm if my desk is organized and my house is clean. If I’m feeling scattered, I know that if I organize or clean up some things, it will help calm me.

12. Shopping = avoidance

This isn’t always the case, but if I find myself shopping online, it often means I’m avoiding something. I’m not a clothes shopper, but books, planner supplies, online classes, etc. are my go to shopping drug of choice. So if Amazon packages start showing up every day, it probably means I’m procrastinating on some difficult project or am stuck in my writing. I made this a commandment so that I can catch myself when I’m in that loop.

13. Don’t let yourself get too hungry

When I’m too hungry, I make bad food choices. My self-control goes out the window. I also get hangry and am not pleasant to be around. So this commandment is for my health but also the safety of those around me. ;)

14. You’re usually happy you went

This is one I need to repeat to myself often. If left to my own devices, I’d be a hermit. I like being home. My introverted self is happy not going out and socializing. Also, I get anxious anticipating an event, particularly if it involves travel and being “author me" (which requires a lot of extroverting.) That often makes me not want to go. However, I’ve learned that most of the time, once I go to these things, I have a great time and am happy I went. If I’d let my introverted self have its way, I’d have missed out on some pretty amazing life events and memories. For instance, this past weekend with the book signing at Turn the Page with Nora Roberts, I had to use this commandment. Before the trip, I was stressed out about the weather (southerners don’t know how to drive/deal with snow and single digit temperatures). I was stressed out about travel. I was nervous to meet Nora. However, I kept reminding myself “you’re usually happy you went”. Sure enough, I’m SO thrilled I went, met some great people, and now I have memories that I’ll hold onto for a lifetime.

Me trying to look totally calm with Nora Roberts

My signing buddies authors Lucy Score and Darynda Jones

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So those are my commandments. I’ll continue to tweak, add, and edit them, but I’ve found that putting these to paper has been enormously helpful. I highly recommend giving this exercise a try and making your own list!

Do you have any personal commandments? Do any of mine fit for you? What would be some of your commandments? I’d love to hear some of yours!

Personality Types & To Do Lists

This week I sat down with my nicely organized and detailed planner and looked at my daily list. It wasn't anything unexpected or overly daunting (okay, writing new words is always daunting, but that's always on my list so I'm used to it.) However, I found myself digging in my heels about doing the smallest things on the list. Box up a book prize. Schedule a dentist appointment for my son. Set up flu shots. I looked at the list and just DID NOT WANT TO DO THE THINGS.

On Tuesday, I was supposed to schedule some appointments and maybe blog. Instead, I decided to completely clean out my closet. Something that I wouldn't have done if it had been on the To Do list. :-/

And I've found that it happens a lot for me. I LOVE my planner. I love setting it up each week and knowing what's coming. But for some reason, once a task is written down on a particular day, I resist. Now, usually, that means I'm still going to get it done, but not that day. For instance, this week, 80% of the nagging, non-writing tasks were done this morning (Friday). 

So it got me to thinking again about personality and habits. Why do I feel this resistance? And it reminded me of a book I'd read earlier in the year--Better Than Before by Gretchen Rubin. It's a book about habits but within it, there's a framework describing how we approach things/tasks in our lives. Rubin refers to them as the Four Tendencies. She's writing a full book about just the tendencies that isn't out yet (and that I'm very excited about), but Better Than Before covers them in overview and her podcasts and blogs go into more detail. 

Basically, there are four types according to Gretchen Rubin:

Upholders - They meet both inner and outer expectations without having to fight too hard to do it. If they set a goal for themselves, they meet it. If their boss sets a goal for them, they meet it.

Obligers - They meet outer expectations but struggle to meet inner expectations. Basically, these are the "givers". They'll do anything for others to the point of wearing themselves out, but if they set goals for themselves, they let themselves down often. They need outer accountability to keep them on track.

Questioners - They'll meet inner expectations but will only meet outer expectations if they makes sense to them. This is my husband. He wants to know, "Why?" Why am I doing this? Why is this rule this way? Why is this procedure done this way? If he doesn't buy into the answer, he won't do it.

Rebels - Resists inner and outer expectations. One of the podcasts had a listener who summed up the rebel motto as "You can't make me, and neither can I." Lol. Rebels only do things they WANT to do, that they find enjoyable, or that someone matches up with their identity.

To find out your type if you're unsure, you can go here and take Gretchen's free quiz.

When I first read the book, I thought I was an Upholder because, in general, I've always considered myself a rule follower. I was a straight A student. I did well at jobs. If the sign says, Don't Walk, I don't. My husband, on the other hand, will walk if there are no cars coming.

However, after looking at it more deeply and listening to her podcasts for better understanding, I looked back on this year and things through my life and realized--I'm a rebel. A quiet one. In my head, I imagined rebels to be more out there, easily identified. But I'm an introvert. I like to fly under the radar (hence the rule following in public.) But I rebel quietly. I've never enjoyed having a boss, so I followed my passion and became a writer. And not just a writer, but a writer of erotic romance, which is a rebellion in and of itself. I wasn't a straight A student to please anyone. I liked school. I liked being called smart. That was part of my identity, which apparently is a key for rebels--to make something part of how you define yourself. And through my life, I've consistently done my own thing. I don't work hard to fit in. If I do, great. If I don't, *shrug*. But if you met me, you'd never think--ooh, super rebellious. 

But how does this play into To Do lists and productivity?

For me, I'm learning that the easiest way to get me not to do something is to tell me to do it. I might have wanted to do it, but once I'm told I must, I'm out. It's not a conscious thing but it's consistent.

So, for instance, obligatory reading. Y'all know I love reading more than anything and always have. But, the books we were assigned in school? I read Cliff's notes. I could never really pinpoint why except that I knew I didn't want to read that ASSIGNED book, no matter what it was. And the same thing has happened when my agent or an editor has asked me to read another author's book for a potential endorsement. As soon as I agree, I suddenly don't want to read the book even if it's a book I would've picked up on my own to read. I already hate it. Now it is an obligation. So I've learned to stop saying yes to those and instead, if I read a book that I loved and the author may benefit from an endorsement, I will write one and send it to the author or their agent in case they want to use it. Because then it's on my terms. No one asked me to do it. (This is also why I don't accept book review requests on this blog.) Weird, I know. Frustrating to me to, but it seems to be how I'm wired.

Now in that same scenario, if you are an Upholder, you would read the book on time and get the endorsement there with no problem. If you are an Obliger, you'd read the whole book on time even if you hated it, and then you'd feel guilty if you didn't like it and would probably still give an endorsement so you don't hurt anyone's feelings. If you're a questioner, you'd read the book if you thought it was something you might enjoy, and you'd only finish and endorse it if you loved it.

So what I'm learning for To Do lists is that maybe me writing them down is setting off my big NOPE gene. "You're not going to tell me what to do, planner." And as a rebel, it's odd that I have a planner at all, but one of the keys to getting a rebel to do something is to make it fun or make it something that is part of their identity. I've made planners a hobby. It's decorative. It's fun. If I just had some plain planner, I wouldn't use it. But anyway, someone in one of the podcasts suggested Rebels could make a "Could Do" list, not tying things to a day. "These are the things I could do today..." I may try that next week. Make one big list in my Inkwell Press (pictured above) and do the tasks that I'm in the mood for each day and record that in my Day Designer as I go. I need to trick myself, which is sad, but it is what it is. And each tendency has to trick themselves in some way. 

But if you're an Upholder, To Do lists will be your jam. You want all the gold stars. Obligers might dread the To Do lists because you know once you write it down, you will be COMPELLED to do it and will feel bad until you do. Questioners will use To Do lists if it makes sense to them (my hubs is not big on them.)

So this is only one aspect I'm applying the tendencies toward, but it's food for thought. I love thinking about this stuff and trying to come up with more effective ways to do things. So I highly recommend the Better Than Before book and the Happier podcasts if you want to learn more.

Has anyone else read the book? Or if you take the quiz, what tendency are you? Are you surprised? Do you know without taking the quiz?

Friday Reads: Better Than Before by Gretchen Rubin (& My 2016 Goals)

Wow, what a week. First, before I get into today's reading pick, I just want to say a big thank you to all of you who have bought, read, posted about, and/or reviewed OFF THE CLOCK this week. I appreciate all the book love so much! And I'm thrilled that so many of you are enjoying it! I'm really excited to continue the series, and hearing your thoughts on who you're hoping to see in future books and such really gets me jazzed up. And for those asking, the next book is going to be about...Lane! :) I start on his story next and I can't wait. And if you haven't gotten your copy yet? What are you waiting for? ;)

BUY THE BOOK:  Amazon  | Barnes and Noble |Books-A-Million |Indie Bound |The Book Depository 

BUY THE EBOOK: Nook | Kindle  | Kobo | iBooks | Google Play

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Friday Reads

Okay, so onto today's reading pick. I know that not everyone is a New Year, New Start kind of person. My husband definitely isn't. He thinks it's silly to start something because of a particular point in the calendar. "Just start when you want to start." BUT, I am a person that gets that big sigh of ahh... at the beginning of the year. It's a physical and mental sense of having a fresh start, of renewal, and of all this exciting possibility ahead.

And though this year I thankfully don't have to do the official start-a-diet thing because I've been on the wagon with that since fall and am sticking to it, I do have other goals for the year. The main ones being: Less stress. More intention. More joy.

This last year was a crazy busy one. I said yes to too much and ended up feeling burnt out by October. Writing became a slog, my story was fighting me, I was dreading getting to my desk. That is no bueno. I have my dream job. I don't want to work myself into a rut. I LOVE writing. I don't want to lose the joy of that.

So this year, my main action item is to be much more intentional and structured about my time. I'm going to use my fancy new planner (more on that in another post where I have room to fangirl about my planner. :) ) I am going to block off writing time and turn off the internet during that time. (I need a digital detox in general.) And I'm going to say no to things that will crunch my time too much. 

And all of those things require one thing--forming new habits, which is where today's Friday Reads pick comes in. See? I was getting to the point. Eventually. :)

I've been a fan of Gretchen Rubin's work since The Happiness Project. I like her anecdotal and chatty style and how she breaks down big concepts like happiness and, now, habits.

Better than Before is a quick read and will give you insight into how your personality plays into how you form habits. There are Four Tendencies (of personality) that explain a whole lot. You can read more about the four tendencies on her blog. But I've discovered that I'm an Upholder, meaning I respond readily to inner and outer expectations.

October 2016 Update: I have discovered I've fooled myself with the Upholder thing. Turns out, I'm a Rebel, lol. I figured it out after taking her quiz and listening to her podcasts. Rebels are those who resist inner and outer expectations. 

So though I love, love, love my planner, I have to be careful about writing things down on my To Do list too far ahead because then it feels like an obligation and I want to rebel. I'm doing better tackling my plan at the beginning of each day to determine what I "feel" like doing most and in what order I feel like doing it in. 

There's a lot more in the book about different aspects of your personality and how that fits into habits, so I highly recommend you check it you if you're trying to start some new habits this year. 

About the book:

The author of the blockbuster New York Times bestsellers, The Happiness Project and Happier at Home, tackles the critical question: How do we change? 

Gretchen Rubin's answer: through habits. Habits are the invisible architecture of everyday life. It takes work to make a habit, but once that habit is set, we can harness the energy of habits to build happier, stronger, more productive lives.

So if habits are a key to change, then what we really need to know is: How do we change our habits?

Better than Before answers that question. It presents a practical, concrete framework to allow readers to understand their habits—and to change them for good. Infused with Rubin’s compelling voice, rigorous research, and easy humor, and packed with vivid stories of lives transformed, Better than Before explains the (sometimes counter-intuitive) core principles of habit formation. 

Along the way, Rubin uses herself as guinea pig, tests her theories on family and friends, and answers readers’ most pressing questions—oddly, questions that other writers and researchers tend to ignore: 

• Why do I find it tough to create a habit for something I love to do? 

• Sometimes I can change a habit overnight, and sometimes I can’t change a habit, no matter how hard I try. Why? 

• How quickly can I change a habit? 

• What can I do to make sure I stick to a new habit? 

• How can I help someone else change a habit? 

• Why can I keep habits that benefit others, but can’t make habits that are just for me? 

Whether readers want to get more sleep, stop checking their devices, maintain a healthy weight, or finish an important project, habits make change possible. Reading just a few chapters of Better Than Before will make readers eager to start work on their own habits—even before they’ve finished the book.

BONUS FRIDAY PICK:

In addition to Better Than Before, I've also gone through this workbook this week -- Your Best Year by Lisa Jacobs. This is more geared to those who are running a small business or blog or writers like me. But I found it helpful in setting up goals for the year and for looking back at 2015 and analyzing what worked and what didn't. The link is to the paperback, but you can also go directly to her site and pay for a download and print it out yourself to fill out, which is what I did.

 

Reminder:

If you haven't gotten your FREE reading journal (especially designed for romance readers) for the new year, be sure to sign up for my updates. The printable journal will come to your inbox after sign up. :) Click the banner at the top or click here to sign up.

So have you set any goals for 2016? Has anyone read either of these?