On Craving Quiet (Or Where I've Been)

When I was growing up, quiet wasn’t a good word. At least when it was directed your way as a kid or teen. “Roni’s quiet.” That meant you were a little weird, a little different, that you had a problem you needed to work on. I didn’t disagree that it could be a difficult thing to be, especially when you’re younger. But I also knew it wasn’t something I could change no matter how much I wanted to transform into the bubbly social butterfly. Fundamentally, I was a quiet, in-my-head kind of kid. So it’s not shocking that I’ve grown into a quiet, in-my-head adult. The only thing that’s different now is that I have no interest in changing that aspect of myself. Being quiet is what let me observe people and the world when no one even realized I was paying attention. Being quiet is what helped me weave imaginary stories in my head. Being quiet gave me this job of being a writer.

However, even as a writer—a field full of introverts (though not all writers)—there are still many outward things required. Chatting with readers. Promoting books. Blog tours. Interviews. Podcasts. Facebook groups. And for me, now that I’m also teaching writing classes, teaching and being on video.

Even though I’m quiet, I can do those things. I can truly enjoy those things. But…they require a lot of what my friend and author/coach Becca Syme calls “energy pennies.” When it comes to introverts, we can drain our bank accounts quickly with all the things that aren’t “sitting in our office, being a hermit, and writing a book.”

Usually, I’m pretty good about balancing things. I know that I need quiet downtime in between the outward-facing stuff. But over the past few months, we added a big stressor to the mix. We put our house of 13 years on the market, searched for a new one, and then moved (the day after Christmas no less) to a rural-ish area an hour away—which means new school for kidlet, new doctors, new everything, etc.

I’m so happy we’ve landed where we have, but it took ALL the energy pennies to get here. And then I had a new book come out Dec. 31. So what little energy stores I had left went to that. Which has left me in total hermit mode.

I have a tendency to retreat when I’m stressed. Y’all have seen me do things like the monthlong social media ban. Pulling back and being quiet refuels my tank. It also gives me the vital brain space needed to create new stories. I planned to start a new book at the beginning of this month, but I’m just now getting to the point where inklings of ideas and words are coming back to me. I planned to teach my Love Scenes class at the beginning of February, but I will need to push that back. I had to get really quiet. Read. Binge TV. Cook. Watch a lot of sunsets. Spend time with my family. (Unpack approximately eleventy million boxes.) Teen Me would apologize for retreating into my cave. Adult Me knows it’s the only way for me to not burn out completely.

So yes, “Roni’s quiet.” But I’m still here. Working. And hopefully coming up with stories that you’ll want to read. :)

What do you do when you get overwhelmed?

A Personal Post: Hormones, Stress, & Sneaky Depression

Hi there. It's been a while. 

If you follow my blog at all or subscribe to my newsletter, you know that I am a pretty regular blogger. However, it's been a month since I last blogged. I kind of hate blog posts that are about apologizing for not blogging or being absent on social media because it seems kind of silly to stress about those things. We're all busy and sometimes the balls we're juggling hit the floor.  But here I am, blogging about why I've been quiet anyway.

I decided to share because hey, maybe you've been there or maybe someone else might find the post and it can help them. Here are the obvious reasons why I've been quiet: (1) I had the biggest book release of my life in January and that involved a lot of blogging for other sites and promo work. (2) I'm behind on a book deadline and have been writing (3) Holiday time is always crazy busy. (4) My mother in law moved in temporarily for a couple of months and even though we get along fine, as a creature of habit and solitude, that threw my home routine off. Oh and (5) I got the flu TWICE in a month (yes, even with the flu shot).

However, none of those reasons turned out to be the real reason why I wasn't doing the things I normally do. It took me almost two months to figure it out, but recently I nailed down the culprit: a hormonal imbalance which led to six weeks of anxiety and depression. See, early in December, I was having some issues with PMS stuff and got diagnosed with mild PMDD (being a woman is so fun!) and my doctor decided to try me on a low-dose birth control pill to balance things out. I hadn't been on the pill since I was in college. I went off it back then because it flattened my mood too much--not depression, just blah-ness. So going back on it, I was slightly aware that it might not work for me.

However, even going in with that knowledge, turns out, I completely missed the signs that this change in hormones was wreaking major havoc on my system. Like I said, it was a high stress time anyway--new book series coming out, hosting Christmas, new guest in my house, getting the flu, behind on book deadline. I thought it was normal stress making me feel not so great. But signs started to show up in January that all wasn't right with me. I lost interest in the things I normally love to do. I wasn't into decorating my planner (which seems minor but if you know me,  you know I heart my planner. It should've been a sign to me that something was amiss, but I thought, meh, maybe I'm just over it.) I didn't feel like cooking, which is normally a relaxing outlet for me. My creativity just wasn't there writing-wise, and I was blocked with my book. And get this, I read NO fiction. I read only 2 books in January, both non-fiction. That's nuts, y'all, but again, told myself it was because I was so busy. 

I might've kept going on this way, but then I hit a week (which would normally be my PMS week) where I had a huge spike in anxiety and this feeling of - what's the point of doing anything at all. Now, outside of a brief bout with post-partum blues, I'm not one to get depressed. Anxious, yes. Me and anxiety go way back. But depression has never been a thing for me. This felt different than sad or blue, and maybe because I used to be a therapist, I was able to step outside of it a bit and go--whoa, this isn't me. Something's up. That didn't mean I could change how I felt (despite doing yoga daily, taking my vitamins, eating healthy, talking to friends/family about it, getting out of the house, doing all the things I knew to do to get out of a funk, etc.) but I knew that something was going on with me chemically. And that's when I realized the pill was doing what it did to me in college but multiplied times a hundred. 

I went off of it immediately. Literally within 24 hours, I could feel the difference. A few days later, I was back. Like the sun had come out. I felt like myself again, had energy, wanted to read, had renewed interest in the things I love. The anxiety and this weird desire not to be alone (I usually love/crave being alone) went away. It was like waking up from a really bad dream. I feel enormously lucky that I was able to get rid of those bad feelings by stopping the birth control. I am very aware that depression has an endless number of causes and most of the time, there's not a quick fix solution. I also know that when I get to PMS week again, I'll probably have symptoms even without the pill like I did before, but hopefully milder and I'll be as prepared as possible. 

So, I know this is an intensely personal post (which is not the easiest thing to share) but when I was going through this, I found a number of women who had posted about similar struggles and experiences and I found it enormously helpful and comforting. So I'm trying to pay that forward by being honest and sharing what I went through. It's scary to think that even as someone trained to recognize signs of depression (and who diagnosed it in other people!) couldn't easily recognize it in myself. It was subtle at first and wrapped up in a very busy/stressful/flu-ridden time, which disguised it.

And I'm not saying don't go on the pill or anything like that. This is NOT medical advice. I know I have weird body chemistry and have always been sensitive to hormonal shifts. I can literally map on my calendar when I'll be most creative and when I'll feel tired and creatively blocked. I try to use it to my advantage and plan my tasks according to when I'll have the most energy. But I'm just sharing a personal experience because I think a lot of times we go through these things and are too embarrassed to share it with each other. But we can learn from each other and help support each other by being open.

So, good news is I'm back to myself. I feel great. I'm still behind my deadline, but I feel back on track and excited about the book again. I plan to be back on here more regularly, and newsletters will resume. But I've learned a good lesson: pay really close attention to yourself, especially if you've lost interest in the things that usually make you happy. Stress can be an easy "excuse" but it isn't always the root reason things are going haywire. Other things can be going on. So if you ever find yourself where I was, dig deeper than "oh I'm just really busy and overwhelmed right now." Take care of yourself. *hugs*

Recommended Read - Rest: Why You Get More Done When You Work Less by Alex Soojung-Kim Pang

There are books I read that I find helpful, and then there are books I read that I know are going to change something significant in my life. This book is the latter. I picked up Rest by Alex Soojung-Kim Pang because a) I'm obsessed with books on habits, productivity, and finding calm, as most of you know, and b) because I hadn't seen this topic tackled so extensively before. A book on rest, not sleep (though there's a chapter on that). That's an important distinction because rest can be active and purposeful. Rest can be magical.

As I've mentioned before, I have a tendency to suffer with writer's block and burnout. I figured that's a natural thing because I've spent the last 8 years writing about 300,000 words a year under deadline. I love my job but that doesn't mean it doesn't get stressful and overwhelming. So over the last few years, I've taken a big interest in productivity, creativity, and habits and have read books like Deep Work, Big Magic, Better Than Before, Essentialism, etc. It's an ongoing journey, so when I saw the premise and chapter titles of this book, I knew I needed to read it.

So what's my verdict? My highest recommendation. I think anyone in any type of creative, scientific, or business field should pick this up. There was so much great information, all backed up by extensive real world examples of other creatives, scientists, and business leaders along with the science and research studies that underline the points. The science parts are particularly helpful because it tells you how and why these methods work. (And gives you the justification for doing them. Science says so! lol)

I know I'll be taking away things like the four hour work window for focused/deep work, stopping in the middle while you still know what's going to happen next so your subconscious can work on it, having a morning routine and getting my writing done FIRST so that any rest or play later in the day is done without guilt. Those are just a few.

There were so many great nuggets of wisdom, I can't list them all here. But I will say that using a lot of these methods over the last week has resulted in a week of steady writing, hitting my word count every day, and having no stress about it. It's been fantastic.

So, I suggest you check out the book, but I also wanted to list the chapter titles so you can see the range of topics covered. 

Part 1: Stimulating Creativity

• Four Hours
• Morning Routine
• Walk
• Nap
• Stop
• Sleep

Part 2: Sustaining Creativity

• Recovery
• Exercise
• Deep Play
• Sabbaticals

About the book (back cover):

For most of us, overwork is the new normal and rest is an afterthought. In our busy lives, rest is defined as the absence of work: late-night TV binges, hours spent trawling the internet, something to do once we've finished everything else on our to-do lists. But dismissing rest stifles our ability to think creatively and truly recharge.

In Rest, Silicon Valley consultant Alex Pang argues that we can be more successful in all areas of our lives by recognizing the importance of rest: working better does not mean working more, it means working less and resting better. Treating rest as a passive activity secondary to work undermines our chances for a rewarding and meaningful life. Whether by making space for daily naps, as Winston Churchill did during World War II; going on hours-long strolls like Charles Darwin; or spending a week alone in a cabin like Bill Gates, pursuing what Pang calls "deliberate rest" is the true key to fulfillment and creative success. Drawing on rigorous scientific evidence and revelatory historical examples, Rest overturns everything our culture has taught us about work and shows that only by resting better can we start living better.

Now, go get a copy and get some rest this weekend! ;) 

Don't Just Make a Plan: The Benefits of Tracking Your Time

I talk a lot about To Do lists and planning here, but there's another part to productivity that I've never paid that much attention to: tracking the actual time I spend doing things. I add things to my schedule, but how often do I stick to that? Not very often unless it's a set appointment. So if I get to the end of the day and haven't checked off all of my To Dos, what's the reason? Did I screw around and waste time? Did I schedule too much? Were my goals unrealistic? I didn't know. 

So, this week I decided to track my time. I'm currently using a two-planner system since I've found I need both a weekly overview and a daily tasks list to keep me focused. The Happy Planner houses my weekly events/appointments and I get that planned out on Sunday. But then I'm using my Day Designer each morning to write out a fresh To Do list. But the Day Designer also has a column for your schedule. I decided to try to use that to track my time as I get things done vs. pre-planning anything in that section. It's turned out to be SO helpful, so I thought I'd share my thoughts with y'all. Here's some of what I've discovered...

The Benefits of Tracking Your Time

1. Know how long it takes you to do something.

Often we underestimate how long something is going to take us to do. Tracking time gives you hard numbers about how long something takes. So instead of assuming, "Oh, I need to blog and that will only take 20 minutes.", you'll find out that it is actually taking up an hour of your morning.

For instance, this week I'm doing fine-toothed-comb editing on LOVING YOU EASY. That means that I have to read EVERY word. This is the stage where I catch typos or awkward sentences or little logic mistakes. So it's pretty intensive. And I've discovered by tracking my time that I consistently take 30 minutes to get through one chapter. That's very helpful for me to know because now I can look forward and know how long it's going to take me to wrap up these edits.

2. Learn your peak productive hours.

We all have them and they are going to vary from person to person. Like I hear that some writers get up at 4 or 5am to write before everyone gets up. That would never work for me. My brain isn't creative at that time. *not a morning person*  This week, I've learned that I'm not productive until about 10am. No matter how motivated I am, my la-la-la, ooh-bright-and-shiny-distracted time is between 8:30 and 10am. This is the time I check all my social media accounts, chat with friends, read interesting articles from Twitter, etc. 

My guess is that this segment of time is how long it takes for my morning coffee to kick in, lol. But I'm learning that I have to ease into my work day. My highest productivity is after lunch. I know this to be true when I'm drafting too. I don't get into my writing flow until afternoon. It is what it is. 

3. Helps you tailor your work day

So building on the point above, if you have a pattern of when you're productive, when you're creative, when you need mindless things, you can structure your day to play to those. This may be harder if you have a schedule at work that's out of your control. But if you're able to, you can schedule the things that require less mental intensity at times when you have the most trouble concentrating. So for me that means I should probably schedule low intensity things in the morning when I know I'll be less likely to be writing/editing. Social media updates, responding to comments, answering email, etc. It's all good information to have to make the best use of your time.

4. Keeps you honest about wasting time and gives you options for when best to do it.

We all waste time. That's not a bad thing. We need fun and mental breaks too. But if you track your time, you can find out if you're doing that a little too much. You can pinpoint what sucks up your time, what sends you down a rabbit hole. And if you need it, you can use apps to shut down your access to the internet and have focused times to work on what you need to work on. I talked more about that in this post. And you can even schedule in a time to do those not so productive things. That can help because you know--ooh, I want to read this article, respond to this FB thing, etc. but I can save it and do that at x time when I have break time scheduled. 

5. It's motivating and reinforcing to write down what you've done as you go.

Don't wait until the end of the day to write everything down. You'll forget and it won't be accurate. Write down what you did each hour as you do it. Keep a notepad or planner nearby so it's easy to jot down. I find it's hard to write down "wasted a whole bunch of time" lol. I'd much rather write down. "Two chapters edited!" That's reinforcing. :)

Ready to give it a shot?

You don't need two planners like I have. Though you can! If you just want to try it out for a few days, use a notebook or find a printable. The Day Designer has free printables of the schedule I'm using. So grab one of those if you want something with the times already on it. And let me know if you try and how it goes! :)

Does anyone already track their time or have you tried this experiment in the past?

*Day Designer link is an affiliate link. 

Putting My Angsty, Panicked 2015 into Perspective and Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert

One of the books I was able to read on my vacation was Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear by Elizabeth Gilbert (author of Eat, Pray, Love). I've seen this book everywhere because it's a bestseller and I was curious. The end of last year was not a fun few months for me. I was tired, burnt out, physically stressed (turned out I had a bad Vitamin D deficiency causing some of that) and had a book that was fighting me HARD. Almost every book fights me at some point, of course. But for the first time in my career, I had talks with my agent about "maybe I need to scrap this book altogether and push back release dates." That was a scary thing for me. What if this book is inherently broken and I can't do it? What if I screw up my whole book schedule? What if? What if? What if?

But after a number of panicked, I-can't-do-it episodes over a few long weeks, I was able to take a step back with the help of my hubs, my friend Dawn who was reading chapters as I wrote/rewrote them and encouraging me, and my agent who was supportive regardless of which path I was going to choose. I realized it wasn't about the book, it was about me. I'd run myself into the ground. I wrote 300,000 published words in 2015 (which means about 450,000 words if you count rewrites and edits). And I hadn't taken many breaks. I had slacked off on reading and personal time. And I was taking things way too seriously. I'd become a version of the "tortured artist." Ugh.

So at the start of this year, I knew I needed to make changes. I did not want to go through that again. This is one reason why you've seen so many posts over here about planners, productivity, organizing, and digital detoxing. I knew I needed a better plan this year and to be more strategic about how I spent my time. I set goals for the year, made a business plan. And one of my main goals was to rediscover the fun and joy in writing. After doing this professionally for years, I'd let my love and passion for writing become a grind. It used to be my escape, playtime, and now I was dreading it. No good.

And so I was already on this path when I picked up Big Magic, but it reiterated so much of what I was going through and hammered home the point that there is no glory in being a "tortured artist", that it's okay to play and have fun with my writing, and to not take things SO DAMN SERIOUSLY. Yes, work hard to write the best story you can, be a professional, but don't put so much pressure on the work because the creativity will just shut down. I had to get perspective. At the end of the day, I'm writing a sexy romance that will hopefully engage and entertain people. I am not curing cancer. If I mess up, the world won't come crashing down. And I have editors and people who will tell me if I got it wrong and help me fix it anyway. In other words, Dear Me, Get over yourself. Perfectionism will kill you.

So it was a good time for me to read Big Magic. I needed to hear a lot of it. Now, I will give that caveat that the first part of the book had a lot of woo-woo about the muse and ideas having wills of their own and attaching to people and such. I'm too scientifically-minded, so that part isn't my jam. I almost put down the book because, though I respect her view, the woo-woo wasn't relevant for me. However, I'm so glad I kept reading because the rest of the book held a lot of gold. I did a lot of underlining. So instead of going into things more, I'll leave you with some quotes. And these aren't the only ones I underlined. There's that much good stuff in this book.

On dealing with fear (and its friend perfectionism) holding you back:

"This is why we have to be careful of how we handle our fear--because I've noticed that when people try to kill off their fear, they often end up inadvertently murdering their creativity in the process." (pg. 24, Big Magic)

"You must learn how to become a deeply disciplined half-ass. It starts by forgetting about perfect." (pg. 166, Big Magic)

On not being surprised when it's hard:

"of course it's difficult to create things; if it wasn't difficult, everyone would be doing it, and it wouldn't be special or interesting." (pg. 117, Big Magic)

"Frustration is not an interruption of your process; frustration is the process." (pg. 149, Big Magic)

On not defining yourself by what people think of your work:

"I can only be in charge of producing the work itself. That's a hard enough job. I refuse to take on additional jobs, such as trying to police what anybody things about my work once it leaves my desk." (pg. 123, Big Magic)

"And what if people absolutely hate what you've created? What if people attack you with savage vitriol, and insult your intelligence, and malign your motives, and drag your good name through the mud? Just smile sweetly and suggest--as politely as you possible can--that they go make their own f**king art. Then stubbornly continue making yours." (pg. 123, Big Magic)

On knowing the painful stages of your own process (I related to this SO MUCH.):

"'Ah,' I learned to say when I would inevitably begin to lose heart for a project...'This is the part of the process where I wished I'd never engaged with this idea at all.'...OR: 'This is the part where I tell myself that I'll never write a good sentence again.' OR: 'This is the part where I beat myself up for being a lazy loser'....Or, once the project was finished: 'This is the part where I panic that I'll never be able to make anything again.'" (pgs. 146-147, Big Magic)

On creativity and not focusing on the outcome:

"'Why should I go through all this trouble to make something if the outcome might be nothing?' ...'Because it's fun, isn't it?' Anyhow, what else are you going to do with your time here on earth--not make things? Not do interesting stuff? Not follow your love and curiosity?" (pg. 259, Big Magic)

I could go on, but you should just grab a copy for yourself if these quotes resonate with you.

Has anyone else read this? Have you ever had a book come along just exactly when you needed it?