Device-Free Summer 2.0: Why We're Doing This Again (AKA How Kidlet Shocked Me)

June 9, 2018 Roni Loren

First, before we get to today's post, I wanted to let y'all know that THE ONE YOU CAN'T FORGET, book two in The Ones Who Got Away series, is now available! Thank you to all of you who have already bought it, grabbed it from your library, and/or reviewed it. I really appreciate it! And if you haven't gotten your copy yet, here's you're chance. :)

DEVICE-FREE SUMMER 2.0

Okay, on to the post. So if you've followed me for a while, you may remember that last year I embarked on an experiment with kidlet: a device-free summer. No iPad, no video games, no computers at all. The only screen allowed was TV watched as a family. Not gonna lie, I was pretty nervous going into last summer because kidlet was VERY attached to his iPad and Xbox, and I was used to having that to help occupy him. But I felt in my gut it was what was best for him.

Turns out, it was way easier than I had expected and was a resounding success. I think it was truly one of the best things we could've done for all of us. It really did make a lasting impact. Not just with his level of calmness and creativity but also in very specific ways. For one, because kidlet didn't have devices, he took to his brand new guitar/rock band lessons with gusto. It became his new go-to thing to spend his time, and a year later, he's wowing me with his musical skills and his deep interest and love of music. The other day he sent me this audio file. He decided to try to learn Jimi Hendrix's "Purple Haze" by ear. I know I'm his mom and am easily impressed by my kid, but he's 10 and doing this? That seems pretty darn cool to me.

And though we brought devices back during the school year, with limits (100 minutes a week), being on devices never took hold again. The iPad became dusty and mostly stayed in a drawer. He usually used his 100 minutes on the weekend to play NASCAR on Xbox or to watch YouTube videos about music. Devices became a small thing in his life. Honestly, this felt like a miracle compared to where we were. And the only negative side I observed was now he noticed how often most of the other kids are on devices or are overly focused on video games. It annoyed him and sometimes left him out of conversations about Pokemon, Minecraft, and the like. When I asked if it bothered him to not be able to follow those conversations, he just shrugged and said, I wish they could talk about other things, too. But it didn't bother him enough for him to use his device time minutes to delve into those games the kids were talking about. And he still has friends, so it wasn't a dealbreaker for friendships.

So this year, I really wasn't planning on a device-free summer because I felt like the device use was under control. But kidlet came to me mid-May and asked if we were doing device-free summer again. When I said that I wasn't sure, he said, "Can we?"

That shocked me. I asked him why he wanted to do it again. He told me that last summer was "fun" and he liked the activities we did. So he wanted the movie nights and board game playing and cooking with me and playing outside. There are so few parenting moments where you feel like you're getting something right, usually we're just hoping we're not totally screwing up, lol, but this was one of those mom pride moments that I'm going to hold onto. The whole experiment had worked. Devices had lost their hold on him, but more than that, he'd come to enjoy that old-fashioned family time. During the school year, things are so busy, that a lot of those activities fall off, and now summer feels like a special time to do those things with us.

Of course I couldn't say no to his request even though it hadn't been in my plan, so he's going device-free again. But he did have some caveats: he wants to be able to Facetime his grandparents and to use his Ipod to listen to music. Deal!

So that's where we are, we're doing it again. I've also decided to make an effort to slow down our summer some. We are typically overscheduled with camps and lessons and such. I'm feeling the stress of that and want to slow it down for all of us. But I'll need another post for that because this one is already long enough. ;) More to come!

In the meantime, if you missed last year's device-free summer posts, here are the details of what we did, how we did it, and how it all went.

What plans do you have for this summer?

The Aftereffects of Device-Free Summer

November 3, 2017 Roni Loren

If you've been following my blog for a while, you know that this summer we embarked on a device-free summer for our nine-year old son. A number of things prompted that decision, and you can read about that in the initial post (I'll link to all the posts from the experiment below.) And in August, I wrote about ending the summer and how we planned to move forward. A few people have asked me how things are going now that devices are back in play in limited form again, so I thought I'd do a quick update post.

First, in order to limit how devices were brought back in, we set up some parameters. After shifting around a little bit that first week back and trying out different things, we settled on kidlet getting 100 minutes per week to use on devices (Ipad and video games.) Schoolwork on the laptop does not count. Television with the family does not count. What's nice about 100 minutes is that it sounds like a lot to him, but over the course of seven days, that means only a little over an hour and a half is spent on devices.

Now, every kid is different, but mine loves a system. So he has a little dry erase board on the fridge, he writes his 100 minutes at the top at the beginning of the week, and then deducts as necessary. He's also taken to planning his minutes upfront, which surprised me. "This week, I'm going to use 30 minutes on Saturday morning and this much on Sunday afternoon." He thinks about his schedule and decides where his minutes will fit best. He also is able to delay gratification and not use up minutes as soon as he gets them (because they reset on Monday and he often doesn't use them until the weekend.) But beyond the logistics...

How has it been going?

1. The iPad is basically dead to him.

This was kind of a shock to me. The thing he used to carry around everywhere has lost its shine for him. It's rarely even charged anymore. The few times he's used it, it was to film movies of his toy cars or watch a YouTube video on a topic he was interested in. He doesn't play the games anymore.

2. He'd rather use his allotted minutes in two big chunks so it naturally ends up being weekend time.

Since he's using the time for video games, it makes sense to spend bigger chunks of time instead of breaking it up into little bits of time. So usually he just plays for about an hour on a Saturday morning and then uses the rest of the time on Sunday. School days end up being device-free by his choice.

3. The limits let us all relax.

He knows what to expect. He has a timer that he uses, so it's not a fight to get off the game when it's time because we all know the rule. (I do let him finish a race or whatever if his timer goes off during his NASCAR game as long as it's not going to be some epically long time.)

4. He's self-monitoring.

I don't know if it's just because of the way my kiddo is, but he handles his own timer and turns off the game. Unlike before where it was a fight to turn things off and a bad mood afterward, he turns it off without my intervention. It's SO nice.

5. The obsession has been broken.

He's not itching to play on the devices. He doesn't complain about wanting more time. It's just this thing he occasionally plays now, not the center of his entertainment. He'd rather play his guitar, play a board game with us, or play with his cars most of the time.

6. His mood is so much happier.

I can't convey how big this change has been. Not that he doesn't still have grumpy days like anyone else, but he was getting angry a lot before--usually when it was time to get off devices (which was part of what prompted the summer experiment.) He's back to his fun-loving self again.

7. We're spending more time all together as a family (not just all together in the same room but doing our own thing.)

His device-free summer had inspired my husband and I to dial back a lot of our online time and social media as well. So we're all more engaged when we spend time together at night and on weekends. Our screen time is watching shows together as a family--something we hardly ever did before.

So y'all know I'm already a believer in doing this. The change has been pretty miraculous in our little household, but I continue to be surprised by the longer term effects of it. Now I just wish I had done this a long time ago. So many hours lost to that iPad...sigh. But we can't change the past, so onward!

And if you'd like to catch up on what the experiment was and how it went, here are all the posts:

Previous posts on the Screen-Free Summer:

The End of Our Screen-Free Summer: Results & Moving Forward

August 17, 2017 Roni Loren

I can't believe it's already back to school time. Kidlet started 4th grade this week, and that marked the end of our Screen-Free Summer experiment. For those who haven't been following along, at the beginning of summer we decided that kidlet would have no video games, iPad, or computer time this summer. He could watch TV and movies with us as a family, but that would be his only screen time. (Get links to all the previous posts at the bottom of this post.)

The summer has gone so much better than I ever could've hoped for. The experiment ended up being not just great for the kiddo but for us too. We have introduced kidlet to a bit of our 80s childhood--we watched "old" movies (The Back to the Future movies were his favorite), we played endless games of UNO and rediscovered board games we'd forgotten about (hubs and I now are slightly obsessed with Upwords), kidlet and I watched a bunch of The Goldbergs (sticking with our 80s theme, lol), and so many more things (frisbee, library visits, flag football, guitar lessons, kidlet learning to cook with me, etc.)

So what were the outcomes of the experiment?

Some things kidlet did that I know wouldn't have happened if we hadn't gone device-free:

He got completely into his guitar lessons. I don't have to prompt him to practice. He goes to his guitar and practices daily because he wants to. In fact, he did his first concert this past weekend and in only three months, he was picked as lead guitar on one of the rock songs. He was so great!
One day he decided that the video game he really wanted to play hadn't been invented yet, so he took a stack of looseleaf and started drawing up his plans for the game he would invent, each page was another screenshot of the game.
He got into devising and decorating a calendar for each month to plan his activities. (see photo of the calendar in this post) So now at the beginning of the month, he maps out all the fun things he wants to do, chooses movies for the movie nights, and selects meals he wants to help cook.
He fell in love with UNO. I have lost count of how many games we've played lol.
He's discovered a love for audiobooks (via the library visits.)
He inspired my husband and I to take our own hard look at ourselves and our smartphone/internet time.

And what about the things that prompted us to go device-free in the first place?

Kidlet's motor tics, which had gotten pretty bad toward the end of the school year, have almost disappeared. Every now and then I'll see a small one appear, but it's so subtle that no one but me or hubs who know him so well would even catch it. It's a dramatic difference.
Kidlet had started getting grumpy, irritable, and defiant with us on a regular basis, which was outside his normally sunny personality. That whole attitude/defiance thing has disappeared. Not to say he doesn't have his moments. He's a kid. But it's rare and short-lived. This has probably been one of the biggest changes. His general mood has just been happier and more relaxed.
Kidlet's preoccupation/desire for the video games and devices disappeared in about a week. The spell can definitely be broken.

In fact, the device-free summer has been so great that I was kind of dreading the end of it because I liked the new rhythm we'd established and my pleasant kid. But I gave my word to kidlet that it was just for the summer and I wasn't going to go back on that. However, I warned him during the summer that when it came back, there would be limits.

So this week, I told kidlet that he can have 100 minutes a week on devices (any device counts unless it's something for school work) and he can budget those minutes how he wants. He was fine with that and, in his analytical way, immediately started figuring out how he wanted to budget them. But he also told me last night: "Mom, can we do device-free summer next summer? I really liked it."

*cue me doing a victory dance in my head* lol

And really, I completely understand where he's coming from. I've dialed back a lot of my social media and smartphone time this summer, too. I also took a three-week internet break when I was finishing my book. Coming back, I had a small sense of dread because the break had been freeing in a lot of ways. So I think that might be how kidlet is feeling now. So, I I told him we could do it again next summer and that just because devices were back didn't mean he HAD to use them. He could be device-free anytime he wanted.

Yesterday was his first day back with access. He spent 10 minutes playing a video game with a friend who came over and then last night used another few minutes to create Spotify playlists of the songs he wants to learn on guitar. Then he put it all away to watch some TV with me. He didn't rush back to them like he'd been deprived of anything.

So I'm declaring this summer a roaring success. I'm so very glad we decided to give this a try. It's been life-changing in a hundred little ways for all of us. : )

Anyone else do any experiments over the summer?

Previous posts on the Screen-Free Summer:

Other Related Posts:

Screen-Free Summer: The 10-Day Update

June 19, 2017 Roni Loren

For those following our Summer Unplugged, we're 10 days in and I'm happy to report that things are going better than I expected or could've hoped for.

If you missed the original post on they hows, whys, and whats, you can check that our here: A Screen-Free Summer for Kidlet: How Why, and If I'll Lose My Mind.

But here's a rundown of what we've done this week when he's not in camp. (I'm providing the list in case anyone is looking for how we specifically are filling the time.)

Peekaboo - IT Movie GIF from Itmovie GIFs

Frisbee (We had to overcome one lost Frisbee in a storm drain. I could've tried to reach in but I've read Stephen King's It, so hell no. Frisbee number 2 has been purchased)

Simon

Rubiks cube

Game night - Monopoly

Guitar practice and lessons

Cook with mom night (he picked the recipe, helped shop, and did 75% of the cooking.)

Started watching streamed episodes The Goldbergs together. We've never watched the show, so we've started from the beginning. Kidlet loves seeing "what the 80s looked like."

Movie Night with popcorn - The Witches (by the way, I'd forgotten how freaking scary that movie was. Kidlet was fine, but I was a little scared by it, lol.)

Lunch date with mom

Library visit

Puzzle with mom

Listening to an audiobook in the car - Diary of a Wimpy Kid

Saw Cars 3 as a family

Listening to music (we have an Amazon Echo--no screen so we allow it--and kidlet has been listening to a lot more music while he plays with his toys.

Observations:

Mood: Kidlet's mood has been much improved. He's been engaged and chatty. He's taken to saying, "I love you, mom (or dad)!" at random times of the time. He's always been a loving child, but it's been a noticeable change that he feels compelled to announce it often, lol.

Independent play: This has been a big change in the last few days. He's not just created new ways to entertain himself, he's *wanting* to do them. Saturday I'd planned a pretty active day, but he wanted to delay leaving because he was busy creating a very intricate race schedule for his toy NASCAR cars. He created an entire season of races and has taken to carrying around a notebook and pencil to record his plans for this. Even in the car. He also decided something he can do "when I get bored" is practice his handwriting because "I want to get better at that." That one shocked me.

Guitar: He's new to guitar lessons and before the fast, we were having to basically force him to practice. This past week, he's practiced unprompted and even played some in the morning before he went to camp one day. His guitar teacher noticed because he was impressed by his sudden improvement. Kidlet can now play the intro to "I Love Rock n Roll". :)

Tics: His tics have improved. The verbal one that was affecting his speech is completely gone. He still has a neck/shoulder one bothering him, but I've noticed when he's doing independent play or concentrated play (like with the puzzle), it goes away. (This is a pretty huge win for us.)

His feelings about the fast: The first few days when we did this, he was a little down and quiet. He said he missed xbox. But after about day 3, his mood improved and he didn't mention the electronics. When I asked him if he missed it, he said, "Not really because we're having so much fun doing other things." <-I may have done a small happy dance out of his line of sight at this.

The Calendar: Kidlet has taken a big interest in the family calendar we created to list all the activities. He's coming up with his own ideas to add to the calendar and getting excited to write things down.

New discoveries: Kidlet has ended up liking things I didn't necessarily know he would enjoy so much. When we cooked together (something we've done only with simple desserts in the past), he was totally into it. While we were cooking, he said, "I love this. I want to do this every night." So I was surprised how much he enjoyed the whole process. Plus, the recipe he picked and food he cooked were really good! I was also surprised by how much he liked listening to an audiobook. He has some trouble following stories, so I didn't know how it would go with no visuals. But he's asking to take my car (instead of dad's) so we can listen to more of the book.

Parental feelings:

So last week I admitted that the first few days of the fast were hard and had given me my own little kick of down mood because it all felt overwhelming. (Especially when everyone's general reaction was "You're so brave!" like I was about to climb Everest lol.) But I am thrilled to report that this has swung in the complete opposite direction. This has made me and my husband HAPPIER. We weren't unhappy to begin with, but I don't think either of us expected to get this big happiness boost from this whole process. It's forced us to relax and do fun activities. We get to PLAY. I'd forgotten how much I enjoy things like puzzles and board games and movie night.

Before this, when I'd try activities with kidlet, I'd often feel like I was kind of forcing him into it because he'd rather being doing ipad or xbox things. Now that those distractions have been removed, having him get into all of this stuff (much of it from my childhood), it's created these lovely shared experiences that we all get something out of.

My thoughts 10 days in:

I Believe GIF from Ibelieve GIFs

If you haven't guessed, I'm only ten days in and am a total believer in this electronics fast thing. The results are hard to argue with. And now I find myself wondering why the heck we were so nervous about doing this and why we'd thought it'd be so daunting. After the first 3 days, it's been dare I say...easy. And I can tell you that when/if we bring the video games and Ipad back, it's going to be on an extremely limited basis (like an hour on a weekend day or something) because this new state of things is too good to mess up.

I'll keep updating, but I hope some of you found this helpful. If you're interested in what books helped me get started on this, I highly recommend Reset Your Child's Brain. I also read Glow Kids, which was a little more dense and focused on the addiction studies about electronics. I'd go with the first book if you're looking for more practical advice on how to do a fast and why you might want to try it.

Is anyone else trying this?

On Parenting and Getting Ugly Looks From Strangers

July 16, 2012 Roni Loren

Photo by Adam Edmond (cc)Yesterday was not a good day. It started out happily enough. We decided to go out to Fort Worth and have brunch at a favorite Mexican restaurant. Then me and the fam were going to go to the gourmet grocery store (my personal Disneyland) to shop.

Well, in between that, I saw there was a Barnes and Noble in the same parking lot as the restaurant. So after our lovely patio brunch, I decided we should walk over so that I can sign stock copies of my books.

(For those who aren't aware what it means to sign stock...This is where you just walk in, grab your books off the shelf, and ask customer service if you can sign them and put "autographed copy" stickers on them. This is a good thing to do because a) autographed copies are more enticing and b) the store can't return signed copies so in essence you're guaranteeing the sale of those books by signing them.)

Okay, so anyway, I tell hubs to watch kidlet while I go look for my books. Well, kidlet, who is normally pretty well-behaved in pubic, is having an off day--an off weekend really. He has high-functioning autism and seems to hit a patch every few months where he morphs into nightmare child, where everything and anything sets him off. I still haven't figured out if these times happen because something is hurting him or he's going through a developmental leap/growth spurt and it's throwing his sensory systems out of whack. I don't know; it's a mystery. But regardless of the reason, they happen and it is highly stressful for all involved. If he was like this all the time, I may have to pick up a drinking habit. j/k...mostly)

So instead of behaving for his daddy, kidlet tears away from him and is basically an obnoxious, whiney 4-year-old when my husband tries to wrangle him again. Meanwhile, I'm tracking down my books, and can hear kidlet's non-"inside" voice from the other side of the store. *cringe* So I hurry up and take care of what I need to do and then go to help hubs.

Well, kidlet is having none of it. He doesn't want to leave, he wants every book in the store, lots of "I don't wanna, I don't wanna, let go of me, don't touch me, etc. etc." He starts crying.

I'm getting down on his level explaining that we need to go, that boys who yell in the store don't get to leave with new toys, and that this behavior is not acceptable. Of course, he's hearing none of that because he's in the meltdown zone.

And while all this is going on, we get a lady walking by giving us the disgusted, judgey McJudginton look. You know the one--"incompetent parents, can't even control their own child."

Seriously. SO not necessary.

Look, I get it. No one likes the sound of a crying or whining kid. And yes, if someone is letting their child run wild and ignoring the behavior or checking their text messages on their phone while their kid bothers other people, then maybe a look is in order. But when parents are obviously trying to fix the situation, doing everything they can to take care of things, do people really need to give the snotty look?

The bitchy part of me wanted to say, "Thank you, ma'am, do you feel better now that you've judged two obviously harried parents and their special needs child? Does that make you feel good and superior?"

Of course I didn't. Because it's not worth it. But still, the words did cross my mind.

And it doesn't matter if my child has special needs or not. Everyone should have a little sympathy now and then for parents and their kids. Parenting is the hardest freaking job on the planet. A kind, sympathetic look can go a long way for a mom or dad who is ready to pull their hair out.

So try to remember (and I try to do the same when I'm on the other side of it): You don't know what someone else's situation is. You don't know what kind of day they may have been through. And it's not anyone's place to lay judgment.

Needless to say, we ended up skipping the grocery store and coming home (with a 45 minute raging tantrum the whole ride home in the car--from kidlet, not me, though I was close.) It was not a fun day all around.

The only thing that made me feel better later was this little scene from True Blood. Did anyone else find this clip ridiculously hot? (I think I've been reading too much m/m romance because I kind of wanted them to kiss, lol.)

Ep. 54 Clip - Sookie's Gross

So have you ever been that parent getting the mean looks? Have you found yourself doing the judge-y thing? (I know I had my moments before I had a kid and knew what it was like.)