Stay-at-Home Tips & Apps for Maintaining (Some) Sanity

Hi. How are you doing? I hope you and yours are doing okay.

Here at the Loren household, we’re trying to stay cognizant of the fact that we are very lucky to be home and safe right now, that being “stuck” at home is a blessing. Hubs is in a service/entertainment industry that is shut down right now, so that is stressful, but in the grand scheme of things, we are okay. We have a place to live, are healthy right now, and have food to eat.

So, I try to take a moment every day to be grateful for those things and grateful for the people who are helping that happen (all the love to grocery store workers, delivery drivers, health care workers, police, firefighters, and everyone else who is on the front lines.)

However, having said all that, it doesn’t mean that being home non-stop with each other is without its difficulties—as I’m sure you’re all experiencing, too. Our routines have been annihilated. Our world is a completely different one than we knew for all of ours lives. It’s a lot.

So, in today’s post, I thought I would share some of the little things that are helping us get through right now in case any may be of help to you.

On Deciding What to Watch - Two Helpful Apps

Most of us are probably watching way more TV and many more movies than we normally would. Usually, it’s not a matter of trying to figure out what to watch but when to find time to watch all the great things people have recommended to you.

However, now that we may have more time to watch, we have new challenges. One of them being that many of us are home with children, so we can’t just put on anything. We have to watch things that are appropriate for the age-level of our kids.

I feel lucky that I only have a 12-year old at home. He’s gotten to an age where I can introduce him to a lot of movies I love because I don’t need to be as careful about curse words or mild sexual innuendo. But sometimes it’s still hard to tell if a movie is safe for him to watch or not. So, one of my favorite websites/apps that I have been using on a daily basis lately is Common Sense Media.

Common Sense Media

This website has a huge database of movies, and not only does it give age recommendations, it gives actual breakdowns of the levels of sex, violence, language, positive messages, etc. for each movie.

If you click on those ratings, it tells you the actual content from the movie that applies. So, for instance, if you click on the sex rating, it will say (as was the case when I looked up Nightmare on Elm Street the other night) specifically what is seen. So, in that movie, it was teens have sex and you hear sounds, but then only the end when they’re done is seen. No nudity. At another point, you see the side of a breast in shadow.

This is enormously helpful because you know your own kid and what you think they can handle or not handle. For instance, I know my son isn’t particularly scared by horror movies with supernatural stuff because he’s a logical guy who doesn’t believe in that stuff (which is SO unlike me as a kid, when I was definitely convinced my room was haunted.) So, a movie that would keep another kid up with nightmares, is usually fine for my kiddo. However, anything with nudity beyond a bare butt for comedy’s sake (like every Will Ferrell movie), I’m going to rule out.

In addition to all the ratings, they also include parent and kid reviews of the movies, which are super helpful not just for gauging content but to see if kids generally like the movie. I want to share a lot of my favorite 80s and 90s movies with my son. Some translate well. Some age badly. So seeing what other kids his age thought of the movie can help.

This website and the app are free, but I’d absolutely pay for this service. It’s fantastic.

Just Watch

The next app/website I find myself opening all the time is the Just Watch app. I am not one to scroll through my streaming services and choose what to watch. I tend to be someone who gets an idea of what movie or TV show I want to watch and then has to find it. As someone who subscribes to a lot of streaming services—Netflix, Hulu, Amazon, Apple, Shudder, etc., that can be a lot of work to go in and search each one.

Just Watch saves you the trouble of figuring that out. All you need to do is type in what movie or show you’re looking for, and it will tell you where it is streaming and if it’s included in your subscription or if you have to rent or buy it. It also gives you movie info and things like the Rotten Tomato rating. Quick and easy.

With those two apps in my pocket, I’ve been able to be a pretty good movie curator over at our house. Here are some of the things we’ve watched lately that have been a thumbs up from the whole fam:

• Pitch Perfect

• The Wedding Singer

• Talladega Nights

• A League of Their Own

• Nightmare on Elm Street (but OMG the melodramatic early 80s horror movie acting)

• Wayne’s World

• Groundhog Day
  
  

On Trying to Focus When Working From Home

I work from home normally, but I’ve never had to work from home while everyone is here with me—a kid homeschooling, me cooking three meals a day, a husband popping in to ask questions or to get me to go on a walk. I have pretty high focus, in general, because I’ve worked over the years to hone that. However, this has knocked me for a loop. Constant interruption is tough. So here’s what I’m doing:

Focus @ Will

I’ve used Focus @ Will for years now, so that part is nothing new. But I’m having to use it in a different way. This website plays music meant for focus (so it’s different than just putting classical music on Spotify.) You can choose your theme. I pretty much live on the cinematic setting. You set your time for a session, there’s a Pavlovian style “ding” sound that indicates a session has started (and is embarrassingly effective at cueing me that it’s time to work) and then the music starts.

Usually, I just listen through my desktop, but since the stay-at-home order, I’ve figured out that I need to use it with headphones when other people are home. I can’t get into deep focus otherwise. So when it’s time to write (because I still have a book deadline coming up), I put on my headphones, hit play, and then try to have at least an hour of uninterrupted time. It’s effective. My son tapped my shoulder the other day when I was in deep work mode under headphones, and I nearly levitated out of my chair, lol. He thought it was hilarious.

Social Media Break

Right now, it’s hard not to get consumed by media in all its forms. There is a lot to know, but there is also a lot of noise. I realized that I was getting lost in the despair of social media and needed a break. I’ve done 30-Day social media breaks and such before, so I know they can work to quiet my mind.

So, last week I took the week off from social media. It helped a lot. I’m back on now but limiting my dose. I’m finding Instagram is generally uplifting right now, so I’m giving myself some time there. Facebook I’m limiting because it’s a mixed bag. I’m still avoiding Twitter because I find the amount of negative posts there far outweigh the positive ones. So, consider taking a break or curating which channels you check. We want to connect socially while stuck at home, but it doesn’t have to be in ways that make us feel bad or drained after using them.

On Trying to Sleep

Everyone at my house has been having trouble sleeping. All the anxiety, disruption of routine, and lack of energy expenditure have contributed. We’ve had some rough nights with kidlet knocking on our door because he couldn’t sleep or me tossing and turning until four a.m. And when we don’t get sleep, everyone suffers because we’re all in bad moods.

So this past week, we’ve been working on a few things, trying to see if it will help. I’m happy to report that we’ve found a couple of things that seem to be working.

Headspace & Meditation

I’ve tried meditation off and on through the years. I tend not to stick with it, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t found it helpful. This time, I decided to try it with kidlet because he was having so much trouble settling down at night. In the past, I’ve used the Calm app and liked it, but after researching, I found that Headspace had some kid options and was a bit more simplified. So I went with that one.

For the past few days, I’ve been doing a 5-10 minute meditation with kidlet before bed. Most of the ones we’ve done focus on breathing, on counting backward, on relaxing muscles, etc. So it’s been easy for him to follow. We’ve noticed a difference. The nights we’ve meditated, he hasn’t come knocking on our door in the middle of the night. And now he’s asking for it, “Can we meditate before bed, mom?” So I’m really happy with how it’s helping. I’ve done some sessions separately from him when it’s time for me to go to bed, and it has helped my racing thoughts. So two thumbs up on the meditation.

Not Watching the News at Night

This one is tough because with everything going on, we feel like we need to be constantly updated. However, I think part of the reason I wasn’t sleeping was because we were watching the nightly news right before we went to sleep. Even if we watched something funny or lighthearted, afterward, the effect lingered.

The past fews days I’ve avoided watching the news after the 6 o’ clock news, and it’s helped. I still watch Good Morning America when I wake up and then that 6pm news. That keeps me updated enough. I don’t leave the TV on in the background. I don’t watch the endless press conferences. I don’t need my brain in crisis mode 24/7. (I’ve talked about this before in this post: Self-Care for the Highly Sensitive Person - It’s Okay to Step Away From the News

On Keeping Spirits Up

One of the most important things right now is keeping our spirits up. Because if we don’t actively try to do this, it’s really easy to fall into a pit of despair. That does no one any good. So here are some of the things that are helping us keep our mood from crashing:

Sunlight & Walks

As someone who has suffered from a Vitamin D deficiency in the past, I’m a sunlight evangelist. (Also, I’d recommend still taking some Vitamin D in a pill because most of us don’t get enough naturally.) Sunlight gives us so many things—vitamin D, a mood lift, and help setting our body clocks. And especially right now, with all of us spending so much time inside, sunlight can feed the soul.

Now, you need to do this in a safe way. If you live in a tightly packed area, this might mean just going out on your balcony or standing in front of an open window. But if you have the ability and the space, going outside daily for walks in the sunshine or just to sit on your porch can be so helpful.

We’re very lucky that the new house we moved into is in a rural-ish area so we have lots of animals to see on our walks. But it’s nice just to see the grass and flowers sprouting for Spring, hear the birds singing. It’s a reminder for me that the world goes on. This too shall pass.

Here are some of our animal friends we’ve seen lately:

A To Do List & Routines

I’m a person who thrives on routines and To Do lists, so this is a given for me if I want to maintain sanity. But even for my kiddo and husband, who are more flexible than I am, need some kind of routine. Getting up in the morning and not having anything to do, no purpose to the day, can become depressing really quickly.

I’m currently in the position of having too much to do—book deadline, putting together a class, taking a different class, blogging, newslettering, etc. So my problem is opposite—how to fit it in while having everyone home. But my husband who is used to being crazy busy with his job doesn’t have that kind of list while his job is mostly on pause. So he’s had to make sure to set goals for the day, little things sometimes, but tasks he wants to get done. And my kiddo has homeschool and online music lessons, so he has some tasks going, but it’s been a challenge to impose new routines.

So, if you’re finding yourself feeling unmoored during the day, don’t rule out making an old fashioned To Do list. And it doesn’t have to be something practical like cleaning the kitchen. Maybe you want to reorganize your bookshelves by color of cover or you want to pick up a cookbook and learn some new recipes. It may mean that you want to make a list of shows you’ve been meaning to binge watch. Start a movie/TV journal to record your thoughts about what you’re watching or a book journal.

Find a project. It can do wonders.

A Treat to Look Forward To

Kidlet and I have been doing a lot of baking of desserts. Normally, we only have desserts in the house on special occasions because we’re trying not to eat too much sugar and all that. However, during this time, though you don’t want to go crazy with eating junk because that won’t make you feel very good, it can be really nice to have a treat to look forward to. Knowing that after dinner, we have a homemade dessert is a nice uplifting thing. And there’s no shame in using boxed mix (like this delicious cinnamon crumble cake below.)

And it may not be desserts for you. It may be an activity or a TV show or a book. But have something to look forward to each day, a little something that maybe you normally wouldn’t have if we weren’t in this situation, can really help.

Board Games

We need a break from all the screens sometimes, and board games are a great option. If you’re competitive like my family, it’s also a guaranteed way to take our focus off of what is happening in the world and getting lost in an activity together.

Some of our favorites lately have been Ticket to Ride and Ticket to Ride Nordic Countries (best for 3 players), Scattergories, Upwords, and Yahtzee. The latter three are good if you’re too tired to focus. The first two require more strategy.

Reading

I know I’m preaching to the choir here, but I wanted to bring this one up because I’ve noticed my reading habits have changed during this. I’m having more trouble focusing on reading, even though that’s something I normally do to relax. And just an observation, but it seems that people who normally aren’t voracious readers are reading more now, but those of us who are heavy readers are having more of a struggle. It’s almost like whatever is opposite our norm is what’s happening during this crisis.

So, if you happen to be one of those heavy readers who is having trouble reading, I encourage you to consider reading outside your normal zone. Shake up your routine a little. Maybe it’s a different genre or subgenre. Maybe it’s doing an audiobook instead of an ebook. (You can join my Read Wide challenge and get a list of different categories and genres to work through.) For me, I picked up a paranormal romance. I read those on occasion, but it’s not my main zone, and it seems to be engaging me more. I’m also reading a non-fiction book in between when I can’t focus on fiction.

Or, you may be the opposite and need to lean heavily into your reading comfort zone. Maybe that means re-reading old favorites because it gives you some stability to know what’s coming.

All I’m saying is that if your normal reading routine isn’t working, shake it up and see if you can come at it from another angle because I know, for most of us, reading is food for our soul and needed.

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All right. I know I’ve thrown a lot at you, but I hope you’ve found something in there that’s helpful. I’m sending you and your family love and well wishes. Be safe, y’all. Stay home. Stay sane. <3

—Roni

Coping with Covid-19 Anxiety: A Few Ideas

Hey there. So add this to the list of posts I’d never thought I’d write. I’ve been in my home office all day, trying to focus on getting something done—anything—but I’m sure like most of you, focus (already in short supply for many of us) is hard to come by right now. My kiddo is home with me, trying to do school online. My husband is out, helping the locations he manages shut down for business for at least two weeks (he’s in a retail/entertainment field.) And here I am, working from home as usual, but nothing feels like business as usual at all.

I’m sure you have your own version of this going on wherever you are. And I know there are many out there who are facing much more difficult things —layoffs, ill family members, or illness itself. Know that I am sending out love and good wishes to all of you.

This post will not be be able to address the big, life-changing issues many are facing, but I’m hoping that maybe it can help with some of the more common ones. Anxiety. Feeling stir-crazy. Feeling isolated. Or not being able to get a break from your kiddos. This is new territory for all of us, so I thought it might be helpful to pass along some of the things I hope to implement to help make the situation a little better.

1. Turn off the news for a while

   Yes, we need to be informed, but 24-hour news is good for no one. I’ve found that if I tune in first thing in the morning, catching the first part of Good Morning America and the local news, I’ll get the most vital new information. Then I tune in again at night for the nightly news. In between, I turn it off.

   Especially if you’re prone to anxiety or are very high empathy, you need to limit your exposure. I also recommend choosing your main source of trusted online news. I subscribe to the online New York Times and have for a few years now, and I always find the subscription worth it. If you use that link, you can get a subscription for about a dollar a week and they’ll also donate money to give access to public school students. (It’s an affiliate link, but I don’t get anything back for you using that link except that it triggers the school donation.)

2. Find an activity you can lose yourself in

   If you’re here, my guess is that one of those is reading. That’s one of my go to self-care activities. A good book can transport me to a place where I don’t have to worry about ALL THE THINGS for a little while. The type of book you need in a time like this may vary, and don’t be surprised if your normal favorite genre doesn’t quite scratch the itch like it normally does.

   Some find it surprising that pandemic stories are selling well all of a sudden. It doesn’t surprise me. I’m that person who leans into fictional horror when I’m anxious. It’s a way for some to process anxiety in a “safe” environment. I found myself grabbing Stephen King’s The Stand off my shelf today. So don’t judge yourself if your book craving isn’t what you’d expect.

   But, you may need the exact opposite and want a guaranteed HEA romance. If that’s the case, you can find a bunch of recommendations here on the blog. I also changed the prices to my two indie books By the Hour and Blurring the Lines to 99 cents today to try to help in any way I can. If money is suddenly tighter for you, you can get those two books for less than 2 bucks. (*NOTE: The systems take a little while to change the price online, so if it’s still the higher price when you check, check again tomorrow. I’ll post on my social media when the prices are live.)

   And if reading isn’t doing it for you right now, maybe it’s streaming that show you’ve had in your queue forever or binge-watching superhero movies. Maybe it’s baking so much you’d put Martha Steward to shame. You do you. Whatever gives your brain a respite for a while.

3. Take on a project

   A lot of us have projects that we put on the back burner or on the “want to do someday” list. If we’re stuck at home, maybe now is the time to tackle it. Paint your bedroom. Reorganize the closets. Learn how to play guitar. Set up a card catalog for your books (or is that just my nerdy fantasy?) Try your hand at writing your own story.

   For me, this week I built a new website for my writing classes. You can see it here at the Fearless Romance Writing Academy. I also built a 30-Day email challenge for romance writers: 30 Days of Romance Writing Prompts. If you’re a writer or aspire to be, you can grab that challenge for free by clicking that link.

   But I can confirm that once I got started on both of those projects, I lost myself in them for hours. It was so nice not to think about anything else but the project in front of me. And then that sense of achievement when it’s done is quite the mood booster.

4. Get outside

   This is one I have to remind myself of. Unfortunately, it’s been rainy here in Texas the last few days, but I’ve tried to make a point to get some fresh air when I can. I live next to cows, so when they showed up by the fence today I went out and had a conversation with them. They seemed bored by my ramblings, but their good listening skills are quite soothing. ;)

   But really, fresh air and sunshine are important. We are supposed to be social distancing, but if you have an outdoor space you can access without coming into close contact with others—a yard, a balcony, etc.—remember to use it.

5. Take your vitamins

   I am militant about Vitamin D after having a deficiency a few years ago that completely crashed my mood, immunity levels, and made me start losing hair among other symptoms. And I managed to get deficient in the SUMMER. Now that we’re going to be outside less often, it’s even more important. Take a multi-vitamin at the very least. (I take a multi plus an extra D supplement and a probiotic.) Vitamins are good for mood, immunity, and overall health. I can attest to how a deficiency can cause all kinds of issues. And vitamins cheap and easy.

6. Still reach out to friends and family—virtually

   I’m an introvert. I can have low social interaction for a while and, frankly, not notice. But even I can feel the ripple of anxiety that comes with knowing I can’t go have queso and margaritas with my friends if I wanted to. So make a point to stay connected to friends and family.

   We live in a time of unprecedented technology. As I type this, my son is taking his School of Rock lesson over a Zoom video call with his instructor. So, video chat with your friends. Or even plan to watch a TV show or movie together while you’re on the phone with them. Reach out to your family, especially older members whose anxiety levels are probably very high.

   We are social creatures, and cutting ourselves off from everyone for too long will take a toll. Also be aware of this with your kiddos. Let them have their phone time or video chatting time.

7. Exercise

   You know exercise, that thing we always say we would do more of if we just had more time? No? Just me using that avoidance tactic? Well, we all know exercise is good for us. For our bodies. Our immunity. Our mental health. There are endless resources online to take classes or learn routines. I have always enjoyed yoga from Yoga with Adriene.

8. Take on a defined challenge

   I love checking off a list. And I like being a completist. Like I watched Julie and Julia the other night (soothing movie, btw) and I know some people thought what Julie did was a little nuts—cooking all the recipes from Julia Child’s French cooking tome—but I was like YAASSS GIRL. I totally get that desire to take on a specific challenge like that and the ultimate satisfaction of completing it. (That’s why you see me doing things like the 30-Day No Social Media Challenge.) I love that s**t.

   So, I know not everyone is wired that way. But if you are, look for a challenge you can do at home and complete. The 30-Day Romance Writing Prompt challenge I mentioned above could work if you’re a romance writer or want to try your hand at writing. But there are endless options. The Read Your TBR challenges. The social media challenges. The watch all the Marvel movies or Harry Potter movies or all seasons of a TV show. I did this with Buffy the Vampire Slayer a while back. I watched every episode of all 7 seasons and it felt so satisfying. You could pick a show that you’ve never seen (which was the case with me and Buffy) or you can pick an old favorite you want to revisit. Like I could see myself doing that with Friends or Dawson’s Creek.

   I think the beauty of a challenge is that it gives you a small sense of control when you can’t control what’s happening in the outside world.

9. Stay on some kind of schedule

   Yes, we’re home and don’t have to be as regimented. Maybe the alarm clock doesn’t have to go off as early. But schedules can help give us (and our kids) a sense of stability. Having no clear borders in the day can leave everyone feeling unmoored. So, I encourage you to think about some clear markers in your day. We eat breakfast at the table together around this time every day. We work on our things during the day. That may mean school work and chores for kids. For you, that may be working at home, doing housework, taking on a project like recommended above. Then there’s a “quitting time” where everyone can have dinner and relax, watch tv, play games, etc.

   It doesn’t have to be that exact schedule. Maybe you’re a household of night owls or have teens who sleep til noon. That’s fine. You can make the schedule tailored to you and your family’s needs. But having the stability of knowing the windows of time that certain activities happen can give a lot of stability in this unstable situation. (I’ve learned how helpful this can be as someone who works at home full time. I keep my own regimented schedule so that I don’t end up on the couch eating Cheetos and bingeing Netflix at 1pm on a Tuesday.)

10. Don’t murder your children and/or spouse ;)

    Going to jail during a time like this would be SO inconvenient. ;) Yes, being home with everyone ALL THE TIME will be trying no matter how much you love them, but try to give a little grace (you’re probably annoying them, too, lol.) They’re dealing with this total upheaval just like we are.

Love you guys! Stay safe and healthy, and hopefully we’ll all be on the other side of this soon. <3

—Roni

Are you using any creative ways to cope? I’d love to hear them!

Slowing Down & Savoring Summer: A Few Strategies

I mentioned in my last post Device-Free Summer 2.0 that in addition to kidlet going device-free for another summer, I was looking for way to slow down our summer. Today I'm tackling that topic more in depth.

Summers for us usually mean a shift in our schedule but not a change in the hectic-ness of it. Kidlet isn't in school, but he goes to full-time day camp. Hubs and I are still working. Books still need to be written and edited and promoted. I'm used to that being our summer.

However, last week (week two of summer) when I found myself up before 7am and already yelling, "Where's the sunscreen? Where'd you put your tennis shoes? We're going to be late! Someone grab a juice box!", I realized that not only was I NOT getting any kind of slow down in summer, it almost felt more crazy--for all of us. This was in part because we'd spent seven days in New York City for a combo vacation/work trip right after school ended, so we'd hit the ground running with a very fun but busy trip. But it also felt like more that just that. I was deeply tired of this rush.

It gave me the very pointed craving to slow the hell down for summer. Summer used to have this promise to it when I was growing up--a promise of lazy days and an open schedule. Yes, it was blazing hot and humid in south Louisiana. Yes, I was an only child and often got bored. But that's also the time I got to read all the books I wanted. It's when I got to goof around at the pool with friends or run through sprinklers. It was walks down the road to the sno-ball stand (they are NOT snow cones in Louisiana) without your parents. 

My kiddo has never had that kind of summer because summers are generally scheduled events now. (Not just for me but most of the kids I know.) There are summer camps and music camps and STEM camps and sports teams/games and blah blah blah. Part of that is necessary. Even though I'm home, I'm working full-time. My job doesn't stop in the summer, and kidlet would get hella bored being home all day every day by himself with me working (and him device-free,) But I'm now wondering if we've swung too far in the other direction and maybe could use some balance. Meaning, work in some lazy, slow stuff into the busy schedule for us all. Allow time for boredom and creativity and white space.

So, though kidlet already has two weeks of pre-scheduled, already paid for speciality camps, I'm going to try him on half days instead of full for his regular summer camp and only bring him in the afternoons. I get most of my deep work/writing down in the afternoon anyway, so this should work for me. In the mornings, I can get easier work stuff done and also spend some time with him. We shall see how it goes.

But this got me to thinking more about how fast time goes. This past school year flew by, and I know summer will as well if I don't do something different. I mean, we can't actually slow down time, but I wondered if there were things we could do to savor it more and make it feel a little more languid.

This is what made me pick up the book Off the Clock: Feel Less Busy While Getting More Done by Laura Vanderkam. (Yes, it has the same title as one of my books, but is a very different topic! lol) Y'all know I love a productivity book, but this one is less about productivity, and more about finding the white space in your schedule and feeling like you have "all the time in the world" instead of feeling like you're always rushed and behind.

Vaderkam had a large group of people in different professions track their time, and she used the results for this book. One interesting thing she found was that a lot of the people in very busy, high-powered positions often felt like they had more time, but it was because they'd learn strategies to make it that way. So this book goes into a number of strategies to help create that feeling of space in your schedule, of slowing down and savoring.

I won't go deeply into each of these because the book is worth a read and I did lots of underlining, but each strategy has its own chapter title and I'll touch on those.

Chapter 1: Tend Your Garden

Her basic premise here is that in order to do anything about your time, you need to know where it's actually going. We're really bad at estimating how much time we spend doing certain things. Like, you know, how often we're sucked into social media. Or how few minutes it actually takes to wash the dishes. So she recommends tracking your time by the half-hour ALL DAY for at least a week. 

"...one of the most striking findings of my survey was the gap in estimated phone checks per hour between people who felt relaxed about time and those who felt anxious" --pg. 8

I've done time-tracking on and off over the years, which is made easy with the Day Designer planner I use, and I have found it helpful. If you're honest in your tracking, you can see where your time is getting wasted or squandered. It's sobering when you realize you popped over to check twitter for a minute and wasted forty minutes instead. So this practice takes discipline, but I think it is a great exercise to kind of give you an overview.

"Time passes whether or not we think about how we are spending it. Tracking forces me to think about it." --pg. 35

Chapter 2: Make Life Memorable

This was probably my favorite chapter of the book. I have a TERRIBLE memory. Terrible, y'all. And I hate that so many memories sift through my fingers (probably because I'm moving too fast.) So this chapter was about the science of what makes a memory stick. We know that novel experiences and experiences with high emotion (good and bad) are more likely to burn into our memories. But does that mean the ordinary days are destined to just compress in our minds and give us that sense of time just flying by? Vanderkam argues that no, there are things we can do. She encourages us to record things in a journal (or in your time tracker if you're doing that). Nothing elaborate but something that will help the day stick a little better.

"One might inquire this of any twenty-four hours. Why is today different from all other days? Why should my brain bother holding on to the existence of this day as it curates the museum of my memories?" --pg. 64

I love this concept and am going to give it a try. I'm terrible at journaling, but this seems less intimidating--just marking down what was special about that day. Not only does it provide a record, but the actual act of writing it down helps your memory keep it better. And she said taking photos isn't enough because unless we curate them, it's just a big jumble of a file in our phone. (Guilty as charged!)

Chapter 3: Don't Fill Time

This one is pretty obvious but still not as easy in practice if you're not deliberate about it. The main points are: leave white space on your calendar (to account for things running over, unexpected things, thinking time, etc.) and don't say yes to things unless you really want/need to do it. (This goes back to the "if it's not a hell yes, it's a no" thing.) I liked a particular question she posed about how to decide whether to agree to something in the future. She warns that we don't think of our future selves as "us", so we assign those future versions of ourselves things present "us" really doesn't want to do because we think this imaginary future "us" will totally be into it by the time it gets here. I'm SO guilty of this. So she suggests this question:

"Would I do this tomorrow?" and "Would you be tempted? Would you try to move things around to fit this new opportunity?" --pg. 98

Also in the "don't fill time" category is the technology/phone habit. Every moment that you have to wait in a line or wait for an appointment doesn't need to be filled with social media or the web. It makes us fee busier. It erases that sense of downtime or space in your schedule (beyond being a distraction.) I also think it sucks up time we could use for those things we'd "like to do if we had more time." Like, for me, I always want more reading time. My TBR pile is out of control. But if I'm on the couch and bored and pick up my phone, I could lose half an hour just scrolling or answering email. Instead, I could pick up a book and spend that time doing something I love and want to do. When I started paying attention (and dialing back) my social media time last year, I noticed a big difference in how many books I read. (In 2016 I read 42 books, in 2017 I read 63. I've read almost 30 this year so far.)

Chapter 4: Linger

This chapter is mostly about mindfulness and learning to savor the present. One of the tactics I loved was recommended by a psychology professor she interviewed. He imagines himself in his elderly years when his health is failing and he can't do much anymore and imagines that version of himself looking back at today, feeling the wistfulness of "I wish I could be doing that again" and then knowing that, hey, that IS today for me. I'm here in this moment right now.

Chapter 5: Invest in Your Happiness

Her advice: if you can afford to, farm out hated/annoying tasks that can be done by others that are sucking up valuable time. If you can pay someone to cut your lawn and save yourself the time, do it. But this chapter also talked about "paying yourself first" with your time. Meaning, if you want to write a book, give yourself that chunk of time in your schedule first before anyone else gets your time. Even if it's just a little bit. I learned this when I took Becca Syme's Write Better Faster class--write first. Before the distractions come. Before the busy work or demands others put on your time. I don't always follow that because my creative brain kicks in more in the afternoon, but I still use it in concept because I block off that time for my writing. I give myself my most creative, productive hours and don't hand those off to other people's needs/tasks.

Chapter 6: Let It Go

Life is life, and things are going to get in the way of best laid plans. The water heater is going to break when you planned a writing day. You're going to get caught in traffic and screw up the afternoon's schedule. You're going to get a cold that knocks you on your butt. Vanderkam's advice is to learn to let it go. Just do what you can do with the time you have.

"When I tell myself, OK, you only have this time, just do what you can do, I surprise myself. I can write an article draft in a few hours. I can edit it in those ninety-minute chunks. Indeed, when I tell myself to just do what I can, even if it is only a little bit, because it is better than nothing, that something, done repeatedly, adds up." -- pg. 173 

I need this reminder often because I like to write in big three-hour blocks. If my schedule gets messed up and I only have an hour and a half, I feel like--well, why bother? But I can get a decent amount of words in an hour or whatever if I focus on it. So I need to not throw out the whole plan if things didn't go perfectly.

Chapter 7: People Are a Good Use of Time

This section focuses on spending quality time with your family and friends and colleagues because that kind of experience often expands time and makes great memories. What I particularly loved about this chapter was the idea of planning your off hours.

"Few people would show up at work at 8:00am with no idea about what they'd do until 1:00pm, and yet people will come home at 6:00pm having given no thought to what they'll do until they go to bed at 11:00pm. This is how people will claim to have no time for their hobbies, even though they're clearly awake for two hours or more after their kids go to bed...It is simply that they haven't thought about this time, and so it feels like it doesn't exist." --pg. 204

I love this idea and have seen it in action. Most of us don't want to schedule ourselves down to the second in our off time. However, last year when we did device-free summer, I had to be deliberate about what was going to fill some of kidlet's free time instead. I wanted to make it fun and to help him realize life without the devices and video games could be way cooler. So on our calendar I planned movie nights and board game night. I scheduled nights that he'd help me cook dinner. We planned for outings like putt putt or bowling. It gave the summer a feeling of adventure, and it cemented a lot of those things in my memory. I remember the movies we watched together as a family. I remember binge-watching The Goldbergs and teaching kidlet about life in the 80s. I remember an epic game of Upwords. It made simple things into events and made the summer feel special and full. I plan to do that again this summer, but I also need to take this idea and use it all through the year.

So, if you can't tell, I really enjoyed the book and got a lot from it. I'm going to take away a lot of ideas. I'm tracking my time again, and I'm going to attempt to journal. I'll report back!

How is your summer shaping up? Do you seek out a slow summer?

Device-Free Summer 2.0: Why We're Doing This Again (AKA How Kidlet Shocked Me)

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First, before we get to today's post, I wanted to let y'all know that THE ONE YOU CAN'T FORGET, book two in The Ones Who Got Away series, is now available! Thank you to all of you who have already bought it, grabbed it from your library, and/or reviewed it. I really appreciate it! And if you haven't gotten your copy yet, here's you're chance. :)

Order the book:  Amazon | B&N | iBooks | Kobo | Indiebound | Books-A-Million | Google Play

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DEVICE-FREE SUMMER 2.0

Okay, on to the post. So if you've followed me for a while, you may remember that last year I embarked on an experiment with kidlet: a device-free summer. No iPad, no video games, no computers at all. The only screen allowed was TV watched as a family. Not gonna lie, I was pretty nervous going into last summer because kidlet was VERY attached to his iPad and Xbox, and I was used to having that to help occupy him. But I felt in my gut it was what was best for him.

Turns out, it was way easier than I had expected and was a resounding success. I think it was truly one of the best things we could've done for all of us. It really did make a lasting impact. Not just with his level of calmness and creativity but also in very specific ways. For one, because kidlet didn't have devices, he took to his brand new guitar/rock band lessons with gusto. It became his new go-to thing to spend his time, and a year later, he's wowing me with his musical skills and his deep interest and love of music. The other day he sent me this audio file. He decided to try to learn Jimi Hendrix's "Purple Haze" by ear. I know I'm his mom and am easily impressed by my kid, but he's 10 and doing this? That seems pretty darn cool to me.

And though we brought devices back during the school year, with limits (100 minutes a week), being on devices never took hold again. The iPad became dusty and mostly stayed in a drawer. He usually used his 100 minutes on the weekend to play NASCAR on Xbox or to watch YouTube videos about music. Devices became a small thing in his life. Honestly, this felt like a miracle compared to where we were. And the only negative side I observed was now he noticed how often most of the other kids are on devices or are overly focused on video games. It annoyed him and sometimes left him out of conversations about Pokemon, Minecraft, and the like. When I asked if it bothered him to not be able to follow those conversations, he just shrugged and said, I wish they could talk about other things, too. But it didn't bother him enough for him to use his device time minutes to delve into those games the kids were talking about. And he still has friends, so it wasn't a dealbreaker for friendships.

So this year, I really wasn't planning on a device-free summer because I felt like the device use was under control. But kidlet came to me mid-May and asked if we were doing device-free summer again. When I said that I wasn't sure, he said, "Can we?"

That shocked me. I asked him why he wanted to do it again. He told me that last summer was "fun" and he liked the activities we did. So he wanted the movie nights and board game playing and cooking with me and playing outside. There are so few parenting moments where you feel like you're getting something right, usually we're just hoping we're not totally screwing up, lol, but this was one of those mom pride moments that I'm going to hold onto. The whole experiment had worked. Devices had lost their hold on him, but more than that, he'd come to enjoy that old-fashioned family time. During the school year, things are so busy, that a lot of those activities fall off, and now summer feels like a special time to do those things with us.

Of course I couldn't say no to his request even though it hadn't been in my plan, so he's going device-free again. But he did have some caveats: he wants to be able to Facetime his grandparents and to use his Ipod to listen to music. Deal!

So that's where we are, we're doing it again. I've also decided to make an effort to slow down our summer some. We are typically overscheduled with camps and lessons and such. I'm feeling the stress of that and want to slow it down for all of us. But I'll need another post for that because this one is already long enough. ;) More to come!

In the meantime, if you missed last year's device-free summer posts, here are the details of what we did, how we did it, and how it all went.

• A Screen-Free Summer for Kidlet: How, Why, & If I'll Lose My Mind
• The 10-Day Update
• 5 Week Update on Screen-Free Summer
• The End of Our Screen-Free Summer: Results and Moving Forward
• The After-Effects of Our Device-Free Summer

What plans do you have for this summer?

The Aftereffects of Device-Free Summer

If you've been following my blog for a while, you know that this summer we embarked on a device-free summer for our nine-year old son. A number of things prompted that decision, and you can read about that in the initial post (I'll link to all the posts from the experiment below.) And in August, I wrote about ending the summer and how we planned to move forward. A few people have asked me how things are going now that devices are back in play in limited form again, so I thought I'd do a quick update post.

First, in order to limit how devices were brought back in, we set up some parameters. After shifting around a little bit that first week back and trying out different things, we settled on kidlet getting 100 minutes per week to use on devices (Ipad and video games.) Schoolwork on the laptop does not count. Television with the family does not count. What's nice about 100 minutes is that it sounds like a lot to him, but over the course of seven days, that means only a little over an hour and a half is spent on devices.

Now, every kid is different, but mine loves a system. So he has a little dry erase board on the fridge, he writes his 100 minutes at the top at the beginning of the week, and then deducts as necessary. He's also taken to planning his minutes upfront, which surprised me. "This week, I'm going to use 30 minutes on Saturday morning and this much on Sunday afternoon." He thinks about his schedule and decides where his minutes will fit best. He also is able to delay gratification and not use up minutes as soon as he gets them (because they reset on Monday and he often doesn't use them until the weekend.) But beyond the logistics...

How has it been going? 

1. The iPad is basically dead to him. 

This was kind of a shock to me. The thing he used to carry around everywhere has lost its shine for him. It's rarely even charged anymore. The few times he's used it, it was to film movies of his toy cars or watch a YouTube video on a topic he was interested in. He doesn't play the games anymore.

2. He'd rather use his allotted minutes in two big chunks so it naturally ends up being weekend time.

Since he's using the time for video games, it makes sense to spend bigger chunks of time instead of breaking it up into little bits of time. So usually he just plays for about an hour on a Saturday morning and then uses the rest of the time on Sunday. School days end up being device-free by his choice.

3. The limits let us all relax.

He knows what to expect. He has a timer that he uses, so it's not a fight to get off the game when it's time because we all know the rule. (I do let him finish a race or whatever if his timer goes off during his NASCAR game as long as it's not going to be some epically long time.) 

4. He's self-monitoring.

I don't know if it's just because of the way my kiddo is, but he handles his own timer and turns off the game. Unlike before where it was a fight to turn things off and a bad mood afterward, he turns it off without my intervention. It's SO nice.

5. The obsession has been broken.

He's not itching to play on the devices. He doesn't complain about wanting more time. It's just this thing he occasionally plays now, not the center of his entertainment. He'd rather play his guitar, play a board game with us, or play with his cars most of the time.

6. His mood is so much happier.

I can't convey how big this change has been. Not that he doesn't still have grumpy days like anyone else, but he was getting angry a lot before--usually when it was time to get off devices (which was part of what prompted the summer experiment.) He's back to his fun-loving self again. 

7. We're spending more time all together as a family (not just all together in the same room but doing our own thing.)

His device-free summer had inspired my husband and I to dial back a lot of our online time and social media as well. So we're all more engaged when we spend time together at night and on weekends. Our screen time is watching shows together as a family--something we hardly ever did before. 

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So y'all know I'm already a believer in doing this. The change has been pretty miraculous in our little household, but I continue to be surprised by the longer term effects of it. Now I just wish I had done this a long time ago. So many hours lost to that iPad...sigh. But we can't change the past, so onward!

And if you'd like to catch up on what the experiment was and how it went, here are all the posts:

Previous posts on the Screen-Free Summer:

• A Screen-Free Summer for Kidlet: How, Why, & If I'll Lose My Mind
• The 10-Day Update
• 5 Week Update on Screen-Free Summer
• The End of Our Screen-Free Summer: Results and Moving Forward