Device-Free Summer 2.0: Why We're Doing This Again (AKA How Kidlet Shocked Me)

June 9, 2018 Roni Loren

First, before we get to today's post, I wanted to let y'all know that THE ONE YOU CAN'T FORGET, book two in The Ones Who Got Away series, is now available! Thank you to all of you who have already bought it, grabbed it from your library, and/or reviewed it. I really appreciate it! And if you haven't gotten your copy yet, here's you're chance. :)

DEVICE-FREE SUMMER 2.0

Okay, on to the post. So if you've followed me for a while, you may remember that last year I embarked on an experiment with kidlet: a device-free summer. No iPad, no video games, no computers at all. The only screen allowed was TV watched as a family. Not gonna lie, I was pretty nervous going into last summer because kidlet was VERY attached to his iPad and Xbox, and I was used to having that to help occupy him. But I felt in my gut it was what was best for him.

Turns out, it was way easier than I had expected and was a resounding success. I think it was truly one of the best things we could've done for all of us. It really did make a lasting impact. Not just with his level of calmness and creativity but also in very specific ways. For one, because kidlet didn't have devices, he took to his brand new guitar/rock band lessons with gusto. It became his new go-to thing to spend his time, and a year later, he's wowing me with his musical skills and his deep interest and love of music. The other day he sent me this audio file. He decided to try to learn Jimi Hendrix's "Purple Haze" by ear. I know I'm his mom and am easily impressed by my kid, but he's 10 and doing this? That seems pretty darn cool to me.

And though we brought devices back during the school year, with limits (100 minutes a week), being on devices never took hold again. The iPad became dusty and mostly stayed in a drawer. He usually used his 100 minutes on the weekend to play NASCAR on Xbox or to watch YouTube videos about music. Devices became a small thing in his life. Honestly, this felt like a miracle compared to where we were. And the only negative side I observed was now he noticed how often most of the other kids are on devices or are overly focused on video games. It annoyed him and sometimes left him out of conversations about Pokemon, Minecraft, and the like. When I asked if it bothered him to not be able to follow those conversations, he just shrugged and said, I wish they could talk about other things, too. But it didn't bother him enough for him to use his device time minutes to delve into those games the kids were talking about. And he still has friends, so it wasn't a dealbreaker for friendships.

So this year, I really wasn't planning on a device-free summer because I felt like the device use was under control. But kidlet came to me mid-May and asked if we were doing device-free summer again. When I said that I wasn't sure, he said, "Can we?"

That shocked me. I asked him why he wanted to do it again. He told me that last summer was "fun" and he liked the activities we did. So he wanted the movie nights and board game playing and cooking with me and playing outside. There are so few parenting moments where you feel like you're getting something right, usually we're just hoping we're not totally screwing up, lol, but this was one of those mom pride moments that I'm going to hold onto. The whole experiment had worked. Devices had lost their hold on him, but more than that, he'd come to enjoy that old-fashioned family time. During the school year, things are so busy, that a lot of those activities fall off, and now summer feels like a special time to do those things with us.

Of course I couldn't say no to his request even though it hadn't been in my plan, so he's going device-free again. But he did have some caveats: he wants to be able to Facetime his grandparents and to use his Ipod to listen to music. Deal!

So that's where we are, we're doing it again. I've also decided to make an effort to slow down our summer some. We are typically overscheduled with camps and lessons and such. I'm feeling the stress of that and want to slow it down for all of us. But I'll need another post for that because this one is already long enough. ;) More to come!

In the meantime, if you missed last year's device-free summer posts, here are the details of what we did, how we did it, and how it all went.

What plans do you have for this summer?

The Aftereffects of Device-Free Summer

November 3, 2017 Roni Loren

If you've been following my blog for a while, you know that this summer we embarked on a device-free summer for our nine-year old son. A number of things prompted that decision, and you can read about that in the initial post (I'll link to all the posts from the experiment below.) And in August, I wrote about ending the summer and how we planned to move forward. A few people have asked me how things are going now that devices are back in play in limited form again, so I thought I'd do a quick update post.

First, in order to limit how devices were brought back in, we set up some parameters. After shifting around a little bit that first week back and trying out different things, we settled on kidlet getting 100 minutes per week to use on devices (Ipad and video games.) Schoolwork on the laptop does not count. Television with the family does not count. What's nice about 100 minutes is that it sounds like a lot to him, but over the course of seven days, that means only a little over an hour and a half is spent on devices.

Now, every kid is different, but mine loves a system. So he has a little dry erase board on the fridge, he writes his 100 minutes at the top at the beginning of the week, and then deducts as necessary. He's also taken to planning his minutes upfront, which surprised me. "This week, I'm going to use 30 minutes on Saturday morning and this much on Sunday afternoon." He thinks about his schedule and decides where his minutes will fit best. He also is able to delay gratification and not use up minutes as soon as he gets them (because they reset on Monday and he often doesn't use them until the weekend.) But beyond the logistics...

How has it been going?

1. The iPad is basically dead to him.

This was kind of a shock to me. The thing he used to carry around everywhere has lost its shine for him. It's rarely even charged anymore. The few times he's used it, it was to film movies of his toy cars or watch a YouTube video on a topic he was interested in. He doesn't play the games anymore.

2. He'd rather use his allotted minutes in two big chunks so it naturally ends up being weekend time.

Since he's using the time for video games, it makes sense to spend bigger chunks of time instead of breaking it up into little bits of time. So usually he just plays for about an hour on a Saturday morning and then uses the rest of the time on Sunday. School days end up being device-free by his choice.

3. The limits let us all relax.

He knows what to expect. He has a timer that he uses, so it's not a fight to get off the game when it's time because we all know the rule. (I do let him finish a race or whatever if his timer goes off during his NASCAR game as long as it's not going to be some epically long time.)

4. He's self-monitoring.

I don't know if it's just because of the way my kiddo is, but he handles his own timer and turns off the game. Unlike before where it was a fight to turn things off and a bad mood afterward, he turns it off without my intervention. It's SO nice.

5. The obsession has been broken.

He's not itching to play on the devices. He doesn't complain about wanting more time. It's just this thing he occasionally plays now, not the center of his entertainment. He'd rather play his guitar, play a board game with us, or play with his cars most of the time.

6. His mood is so much happier.

I can't convey how big this change has been. Not that he doesn't still have grumpy days like anyone else, but he was getting angry a lot before--usually when it was time to get off devices (which was part of what prompted the summer experiment.) He's back to his fun-loving self again.

7. We're spending more time all together as a family (not just all together in the same room but doing our own thing.)

His device-free summer had inspired my husband and I to dial back a lot of our online time and social media as well. So we're all more engaged when we spend time together at night and on weekends. Our screen time is watching shows together as a family--something we hardly ever did before.

So y'all know I'm already a believer in doing this. The change has been pretty miraculous in our little household, but I continue to be surprised by the longer term effects of it. Now I just wish I had done this a long time ago. So many hours lost to that iPad...sigh. But we can't change the past, so onward!

And if you'd like to catch up on what the experiment was and how it went, here are all the posts:

Previous posts on the Screen-Free Summer:

The End of Our Screen-Free Summer: Results & Moving Forward

August 17, 2017 Roni Loren

I can't believe it's already back to school time. Kidlet started 4th grade this week, and that marked the end of our Screen-Free Summer experiment. For those who haven't been following along, at the beginning of summer we decided that kidlet would have no video games, iPad, or computer time this summer. He could watch TV and movies with us as a family, but that would be his only screen time. (Get links to all the previous posts at the bottom of this post.)

The summer has gone so much better than I ever could've hoped for. The experiment ended up being not just great for the kiddo but for us too. We have introduced kidlet to a bit of our 80s childhood--we watched "old" movies (The Back to the Future movies were his favorite), we played endless games of UNO and rediscovered board games we'd forgotten about (hubs and I now are slightly obsessed with Upwords), kidlet and I watched a bunch of The Goldbergs (sticking with our 80s theme, lol), and so many more things (frisbee, library visits, flag football, guitar lessons, kidlet learning to cook with me, etc.)

So what were the outcomes of the experiment?

Some things kidlet did that I know wouldn't have happened if we hadn't gone device-free:

He got completely into his guitar lessons. I don't have to prompt him to practice. He goes to his guitar and practices daily because he wants to. In fact, he did his first concert this past weekend and in only three months, he was picked as lead guitar on one of the rock songs. He was so great!
One day he decided that the video game he really wanted to play hadn't been invented yet, so he took a stack of looseleaf and started drawing up his plans for the game he would invent, each page was another screenshot of the game.
He got into devising and decorating a calendar for each month to plan his activities. (see photo of the calendar in this post) So now at the beginning of the month, he maps out all the fun things he wants to do, chooses movies for the movie nights, and selects meals he wants to help cook.
He fell in love with UNO. I have lost count of how many games we've played lol.
He's discovered a love for audiobooks (via the library visits.)
He inspired my husband and I to take our own hard look at ourselves and our smartphone/internet time.

And what about the things that prompted us to go device-free in the first place?

Kidlet's motor tics, which had gotten pretty bad toward the end of the school year, have almost disappeared. Every now and then I'll see a small one appear, but it's so subtle that no one but me or hubs who know him so well would even catch it. It's a dramatic difference.
Kidlet had started getting grumpy, irritable, and defiant with us on a regular basis, which was outside his normally sunny personality. That whole attitude/defiance thing has disappeared. Not to say he doesn't have his moments. He's a kid. But it's rare and short-lived. This has probably been one of the biggest changes. His general mood has just been happier and more relaxed.
Kidlet's preoccupation/desire for the video games and devices disappeared in about a week. The spell can definitely be broken.

In fact, the device-free summer has been so great that I was kind of dreading the end of it because I liked the new rhythm we'd established and my pleasant kid. But I gave my word to kidlet that it was just for the summer and I wasn't going to go back on that. However, I warned him during the summer that when it came back, there would be limits.

So this week, I told kidlet that he can have 100 minutes a week on devices (any device counts unless it's something for school work) and he can budget those minutes how he wants. He was fine with that and, in his analytical way, immediately started figuring out how he wanted to budget them. But he also told me last night: "Mom, can we do device-free summer next summer? I really liked it."

*cue me doing a victory dance in my head* lol

And really, I completely understand where he's coming from. I've dialed back a lot of my social media and smartphone time this summer, too. I also took a three-week internet break when I was finishing my book. Coming back, I had a small sense of dread because the break had been freeing in a lot of ways. So I think that might be how kidlet is feeling now. So, I I told him we could do it again next summer and that just because devices were back didn't mean he HAD to use them. He could be device-free anytime he wanted.

Yesterday was his first day back with access. He spent 10 minutes playing a video game with a friend who came over and then last night used another few minutes to create Spotify playlists of the songs he wants to learn on guitar. Then he put it all away to watch some TV with me. He didn't rush back to them like he'd been deprived of anything.

So I'm declaring this summer a roaring success. I'm so very glad we decided to give this a try. It's been life-changing in a hundred little ways for all of us. : )

Anyone else do any experiments over the summer?

Previous posts on the Screen-Free Summer:

Other Related Posts:

Thought-Provoking Reads from a Device-Free Summer (Day 2): The Power of Off

August 8, 2017 Roni Loren

This week I'm taking some of the books I've read this summer while researching productivity, children and the internet/devices/video games, and how devices and the internet change our brains and am giving y'all some highlighted quotes for those interested.

I know that most people don't want to read a stack of books about the same topic, but I'm a nerd and a researcher at heart, so I love this stuff. ;) Hopefully by pulling some of the quotes from all these different books, it will give you some food for thought and also help you decide if you want to pick up the book to read.

Yesterday I tackled The End of Absence: Reclaiming What We've Lost in a World of Constant Connection. Today, I'm going to cover a different book with a similar topic, but this one is more about how to protect your mental health in the connected world we live in. So yesterday's book was more philosophical, The Power of Off is focused more on psychology and self-care.

From the back cover:

Effective mindfulness practices for transforming your relationship with technology and reconnecting with your real life

Our reliance on technology is rapidly changing how each of us experiences life. We’re facing new issues and difficulties, we’re encountering new emotional triggers, and we’re relating to each other in new ways. As Dr. Nancy Colier writes, “How we spend our time, what motivates us, and what we want are all are on a radical course of transformation.” The promise of technology is that it will make our lives easier; yet to realize that promise, we cannot be passive users—we must bring awareness and mindfulness to our relationships with our devices.

“The compulsion to constantly check our devices plays on primal instincts,” teaches Colier. “Even people with strong spiritual practices or those who have never had other addiction issues now find themselves caught in the subtle trap of these miraculous tools we’ve created.” Through The Power of Off, she offers us a path for making use of the virtual world while still feeling good, having healthy relationships, and staying connected with what is genuinely meaningful in life. You’ll explore:

How and why today’s devices push our buttons so effectively, and what you can do to take back control of your life
Tips for navigating the increasingly complex ways in which technology is affecting our relationships—with ourselves, others, and our devices themselves
Self-evaluation tools for bringing greater awareness to your use of technology
Mindfulness practices for helping you interact with your devices in more conscious ways
A 30-day digital detox program to kick-start a new healthier relationship with technology

With The Power of Off, Colier sounds the call for wakefulness, reminding us that we can use technology in a way that promotes, rather than detracts from, our well-being. This book provides an essential resource for anyone wanting to create a more empowered relationship with technology in the digital age.

Quotes that stood out to me in The Power of Off:

On why the internet and social media are so seductive. We think...

"If other people know about our lives, our lives will feel more real...If the world knows who we are, we will know who we are....With enough virtual destinations to choose from, we will find somewhere that we want to be."

Like most of you know, I did a device-free summer with kidlet and was very nervous and intimidated when we started it, but it ended up being a great decision and easier than I thought. Her experience below with her daughter was similar to mine in that my kidlet handled it much better than I anticipated. I actually didn't have to say no except once because when I told him it was for the whole summer, he accepted that as fact, so he hasn't asked because he knows no devices or video games this summer, period.

"Getting kids off technology is not for the faint of heart, not once they’ve tasted the relief and glee that a princess video on YouTube can provide. Getting off technology is, in fact, hard for the whole family. In the end, for me, it’s a matter of using my resilience and my ability to stay present and connected with my love for my daughter, my deeper wisdom, and my clear intention to teach my child to enjoy herself without external entertainment. I want her to know her own internal resources and to trust the imagination and intelligence she contains. Thankfully, the more I say no, the more she returns to playing on her own, engaging herself, and being happy and proud about it."

On FOMO, the fear of missing out. I had to deal with this some in June/July when I did a 3-week social media fast to get my book finished, but that anxiety about missing out faded in a few days. After the fast, I've been reluctant to return to the previous state, so now I'm still limiting my social media just because it feels better. I feel calmer.

"Indeed, many of us have grown afraid that if we don’t continually tell the world who we are, as everyone else is doing, we will become invisible and irrelevant."

She also made me think more about what I post when I do post. This is no judgment from me about what anyone decides to post, but it has now given me personal pause to think more deliberately about what I'm posting.

"A Facebook post by an intelligent friend, a fifty-year-old woman, read: 'Up for an early bike ride, now followed up by some fresh fruit and an acai juice.' Why do we now use our time to report such things? Why is it important that the public know our morning juice ritual? Do we not reap the same health benefits and take the same pride in that bike ride if others don’t know about it?"

These made me think because it's like that tree in the woods thing--if a tree falls in the woods but no one hears it, did it really happen? That's how social media feels sometimes. It didn't happen unless we post about it. (And I know the irony of me commenting on this as I blog about something I'm doing in my life, lol.) But it comes to my mind a lot at concerts when everyone has their phones up recording the performance and watching the tiny screen instead of, you know, actually experiencing the live performance you paid all that money for in order to get a low quality video that won't be as good as one you can look up on YouTube.

"What has happened to the power of internal experience, the private knowing of what we do in our lives? It appears that internal validation is disappearing and we increasingly need an external response for each moment we live."

"The rise of technology in our lives has been accompanied not only by the drive to turn ourselves into a brand but also by an undeniable explosion in our need to be witnessed."

"And often what accompanies this swelling desire is the belief that everything we live, from every thought to every splinter, is of monumental significance and fascination to others."

And a good question to ask if you feel you're more attached or dependent on social media than you would like:

"Ask yourself: What role (if any) does technology play in making me feel seen, known, or valued? Why is it important to me that others know about this? ...If they know, does it change the experience...? What changes or relaxes as a result of my making this experience known to the world?"

On how our sense of self matures (or doesn't.) This definitely gave me pause since I'm in my thirties now.

"There used to be a developmental stage in life, usually sometime in our thirties, when we shifted our focus from the outside to the inside. That is, we stopped defining ourselves by what others thought of us and became more interested in what we thought of ourselves and the world. This stage could be called “growing up.” It seems that this stage of life is now disappearing for many of us. Now, the question Do I like myself? has been replaced by Am I liked?"

So if you're looking for a read that will make a case for stepping away from social media sometimes and give your brain a break in the name of self-care, this is a good one to pick up.

5 Weeks Screen-Free Summer Update & A FREE Romance Download!

July 14, 2017 Roni Loren

Hi y'all! It's been while, lol. I've been in full lockdown mode finishing book 2 of The Ones Who Got Away series. I'm happy to report that the book is DONE and turned in!!!! This one won't be out until next year, but man am I happy to type The End. This book fought me a lot and it took a while for the characters to fully "talk" to me (yes, writers are crazy), but now I can happily send them on the way to my editor. Yay!

So, in order to get the book done by deadline and partly inspired by kidlet's screen-free summer, I went on a social media fast and let the blog and newsletter rest for a while. The fast has been restorative and has given me a lot to contemplate about how I want to interact with social media going forward (more on that soon!) but I can assure you that the blog and newsletter are here to stay. : )

Now, I thought what I'd focus on today is what many of you have contacted me about separately: the screen-free summer experiment we're doing with kidlet. If you missed the first post or the 10-day update, click on those links to see them. But basically, for the summer, we decided to have kidlet go without his iPad and video games. Also, there have been no computers. The only screens allowed have been television shows and movies.

I'm thrilled to report that this experiment has gone so much better than I could've ever anticipated! It's been one of the best decisions we've ever made. And way less painful than I imagined it would be. Kidlet is happier, more engaged, more creative, and more playful. His entire mood has been delightful, and we've spent much more family time together. His motor tics have also improved. We've also had none of the angry outbursts/rudeness we used to have when it was time to get off devices.

It's also changed the way he thinks about the devices. Last week, I had a tough moment. I was on one of the last days of deadline. I needed to finish my book if I wanted to have a week to revise. But kidlet had to come home early from camp because he was a little sick. My husband was out of town and I needed to work, so I needed something for kidlet to do. I caved and told him that for one hour, we'd put screen-free summer on pause and he could play with his iPad so that I could get my book finished.

Well, kidlet took the iPad. When I checked on him a little while later, he wasn't playing games or watching videos. He'd taken it downstairs to make a movie of himself giving a guitar lesson (he's taking electric guitar lessons this summer.) Then he came into my office about thirty minutes in and gave me the iPad. "I'm done, mom. I don't feel like playing with this. I'm going to go play with my cars in my room."

Yeah. That happened. (Cue shock and then a victory dance by me.) The spell had been broken.

So that thirty minute span was the only time we've veered off course in 5 weeks and he ended up just using to do something creative and then was over it.

And I'm not saying all this to be like--oh, look how awesome my kid is. (Well, he is, but that's not the point.) I'm sharing the story because this was a kid who played IPad or video games daily for hours if allowed. He was obsessed. And now, he's uninterested.

I have to say I'm having a similar experience with the social media fast I've been through the last 3 weeks. I'm not feeling like I really want to jump back in, at least not how I had been. Stepping away from things really does break a habit cycle and give you perspective. (I'll go into more of what I've been doing in another post.)

But for those keeping up or trying a screen-free summer too, here are some of the activities we've been doing:

Keeping a family activity calendar. Kidlet has taken ownership of this and loves adding his own ideas. Plus, fun with strickers! Lol.

Simple things like going to get snowcones (or as we New Orleanians like to call them - snoballs) can be a big treat for a kid. It feels like an event because it was put on the calendar and he could look forward to it. I went TX style with mine, mang… — Simple things like going to get snowcones (or as we New Orleanians like to call them - snoballs) can be a big treat for a kid. It feels like an event because it was put on the calendar and he could look forward to it. I went TX style with mine, mango snowcone with some chili powder on top.

Movie nights - So many of the 80s movies hold up for kids. Kidlet LOVED Back to the Future and we've since gone through all three of them.

Lots of cooking and baking. Kidlet has really taking a liking to cooking. He asks to help now and last week did the whole meal (sandwiches and baked fries) by himself.

We decided to pick a TV show to watch from the beginning. I thought The Goldbergs would be appropriate since we're having an 80s style summer. Well, kidlet is officially obsessed (as am I) with the show. We've been watching it together as a family a… — We decided to pick a TV show to watch from the beginning. I thought The Goldbergs would be appropriate since we're having an 80s style summer. Well, kidlet is officially obsessed (as am I) with the show. We've been watching it together as a family and have made it to the second season. Bonus is that when kidlet sees the 80s toys and things, he wants to try them. Like he's asked for a video camera. When I said, what about your iPad, he was like--no, I want a real video camera like Adam Goldberg so I can make movies. We've bought him a small, cheap camera that does photo and video.

So, I'm happy to report that this has been a success and has gotten, dare I say, easy. We'll tackle how things are going to be once the school year starts, but I'm thinking there will be strict limits on video games and Ipad. But now I'm not so worried that he's going to argue against it when the time comes. He's come to the conclusion that the devices and video games were "tricking his brain" and he's not that interested in getting back to that. (*silent cheer from me*) I'll keep y'all posted.

Anyone else trying this over the summer? How has your summer been?

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