Personality Types & To Do Lists

This week I sat down with my nicely organized and detailed planner and looked at my daily list. It wasn't anything unexpected or overly daunting (okay, writing new words is always daunting, but that's always on my list so I'm used to it.) However, I found myself digging in my heels about doing the smallest things on the list. Box up a book prize. Schedule a dentist appointment for my son. Set up flu shots. I looked at the list and just DID NOT WANT TO DO THE THINGS.

On Tuesday, I was supposed to schedule some appointments and maybe blog. Instead, I decided to completely clean out my closet. Something that I wouldn't have done if it had been on the To Do list. :-/

And I've found that it happens a lot for me. I LOVE my planner. I love setting it up each week and knowing what's coming. But for some reason, once a task is written down on a particular day, I resist. Now, usually, that means I'm still going to get it done, but not that day. For instance, this week, 80% of the nagging, non-writing tasks were done this morning (Friday). 

So it got me to thinking again about personality and habits. Why do I feel this resistance? And it reminded me of a book I'd read earlier in the year--Better Than Before by Gretchen Rubin. It's a book about habits but within it, there's a framework describing how we approach things/tasks in our lives. Rubin refers to them as the Four Tendencies. She's writing a full book about just the tendencies that isn't out yet (and that I'm very excited about), but Better Than Before covers them in overview and her podcasts and blogs go into more detail. 

Basically, there are four types according to Gretchen Rubin:

Upholders - They meet both inner and outer expectations without having to fight too hard to do it. If they set a goal for themselves, they meet it. If their boss sets a goal for them, they meet it.

Obligers - They meet outer expectations but struggle to meet inner expectations. Basically, these are the "givers". They'll do anything for others to the point of wearing themselves out, but if they set goals for themselves, they let themselves down often. They need outer accountability to keep them on track.

Questioners - They'll meet inner expectations but will only meet outer expectations if they makes sense to them. This is my husband. He wants to know, "Why?" Why am I doing this? Why is this rule this way? Why is this procedure done this way? If he doesn't buy into the answer, he won't do it.

Rebels - Resists inner and outer expectations. One of the podcasts had a listener who summed up the rebel motto as "You can't make me, and neither can I." Lol. Rebels only do things they WANT to do, that they find enjoyable, or that someone matches up with their identity.

To find out your type if you're unsure, you can go here and take Gretchen's free quiz.

When I first read the book, I thought I was an Upholder because, in general, I've always considered myself a rule follower. I was a straight A student. I did well at jobs. If the sign says, Don't Walk, I don't. My husband, on the other hand, will walk if there are no cars coming.

However, after looking at it more deeply and listening to her podcasts for better understanding, I looked back on this year and things through my life and realized--I'm a rebel. A quiet one. In my head, I imagined rebels to be more out there, easily identified. But I'm an introvert. I like to fly under the radar (hence the rule following in public.) But I rebel quietly. I've never enjoyed having a boss, so I followed my passion and became a writer. And not just a writer, but a writer of erotic romance, which is a rebellion in and of itself. I wasn't a straight A student to please anyone. I liked school. I liked being called smart. That was part of my identity, which apparently is a key for rebels--to make something part of how you define yourself. And through my life, I've consistently done my own thing. I don't work hard to fit in. If I do, great. If I don't, *shrug*. But if you met me, you'd never think--ooh, super rebellious. 

But how does this play into To Do lists and productivity?

For me, I'm learning that the easiest way to get me not to do something is to tell me to do it. I might have wanted to do it, but once I'm told I must, I'm out. It's not a conscious thing but it's consistent.

So, for instance, obligatory reading. Y'all know I love reading more than anything and always have. But, the books we were assigned in school? I read Cliff's notes. I could never really pinpoint why except that I knew I didn't want to read that ASSIGNED book, no matter what it was. And the same thing has happened when my agent or an editor has asked me to read another author's book for a potential endorsement. As soon as I agree, I suddenly don't want to read the book even if it's a book I would've picked up on my own to read. I already hate it. Now it is an obligation. So I've learned to stop saying yes to those and instead, if I read a book that I loved and the author may benefit from an endorsement, I will write one and send it to the author or their agent in case they want to use it. Because then it's on my terms. No one asked me to do it. (This is also why I don't accept book review requests on this blog.) Weird, I know. Frustrating to me to, but it seems to be how I'm wired.

Now in that same scenario, if you are an Upholder, you would read the book on time and get the endorsement there with no problem. If you are an Obliger, you'd read the whole book on time even if you hated it, and then you'd feel guilty if you didn't like it and would probably still give an endorsement so you don't hurt anyone's feelings. If you're a questioner, you'd read the book if you thought it was something you might enjoy, and you'd only finish and endorse it if you loved it.

So what I'm learning for To Do lists is that maybe me writing them down is setting off my big NOPE gene. "You're not going to tell me what to do, planner." And as a rebel, it's odd that I have a planner at all, but one of the keys to getting a rebel to do something is to make it fun or make it something that is part of their identity. I've made planners a hobby. It's decorative. It's fun. If I just had some plain planner, I wouldn't use it. But anyway, someone in one of the podcasts suggested Rebels could make a "Could Do" list, not tying things to a day. "These are the things I could do today..." I may try that next week. Make one big list in my Inkwell Press (pictured above) and do the tasks that I'm in the mood for each day and record that in my Day Designer as I go. I need to trick myself, which is sad, but it is what it is. And each tendency has to trick themselves in some way. 

But if you're an Upholder, To Do lists will be your jam. You want all the gold stars. Obligers might dread the To Do lists because you know once you write it down, you will be COMPELLED to do it and will feel bad until you do. Questioners will use To Do lists if it makes sense to them (my hubs is not big on them.)

So this is only one aspect I'm applying the tendencies toward, but it's food for thought. I love thinking about this stuff and trying to come up with more effective ways to do things. So I highly recommend the Better Than Before book and the Happier podcasts if you want to learn more.

Has anyone else read the book? Or if you take the quiz, what tendency are you? Are you surprised? Do you know without taking the quiz?

The Loving on the Edge Novella Boxed Set will be here in October!

Want to catch up on all of the Loving on the Edge novellas? Get FOUR of them all in one place, and these are not short stories. Lots of pages! And you get a little bit of everything: married couple romance, a menage romance, a m/m romance, and an dominant woman/submissive man romance. :)

*These can be read as standalones and don't require that you've read the other Loving on the Edge books. However, Forever Starts Tonight is direct follow-up to Melt Into You so if you *do* plan to read Melt Into You, read that first or you'll get spoilers. :)

Coming OCTOBER 18, 2016 but available for pre-order now!

From the New York Times bestselling author of Crash Into You comes four previously published Loving on the Edge novellas, together for the first time... 

In Still Into You, married couple Seth and Leila head to The Ranch, a resort where any sexual fantasy can be had. Seth hopes to put the spark back in their marriage and to show Leila why he’s the only man for her...

In Forever Starts Tonight, two Dominant men and one submissive woman attempt to jumpstart their relationship with a getaway at a mountain cabin. When they get snowed in, however, the heat between them reaches a fever pitch, and secrets come out...

In Yours All Along, two men, Devon and Hunter, shared a hot night in college, but an accident tore their relationship apart. Four years later, Hunter is a professional baseball player, engaged to a woman, and in Devon’s bar. Neither man can get that one night off their minds...

In Break Me Down, Samantha Dunbar and sexy executive Gibson Andrews are Dominants, and according to Gibson, that makes them incompatible. But after an attack shakes Sam to her core, Gibson finds himself unable to let her go...

PRE-ORDER THE BUNDLE:  Amazon | B&N | iBooks | Kobo

Need a fun October Read? Her Halloween Treat by Tiffany Reisz

It's almost October and that's one of my favorite times of the year. We don't get much Fall here in Dallas, but the two or three weeks we do get, I cherish. And as soon as October starts, I start thinking about Halloween. Not so much because I'm all that into the day itself, but because of all the things that come with it. Cooler weather, horror movies on TV, that signal that the holiday season is starting. Love it.

So this weekend (when it was still 90 degrees outside--ugh), I picked up Tiffany Reisz's Her Halloween Treat. It turned out to be the perfect read to get me in the mindset for fall--particularly because it's set in Oregon (the part of the country where I eventually want to live). But beyond the Halloween theme and fall mood, the book was a really fun, sexy read. I always enjoy the humor in Tiffany's books. The characters in the story are people who sound like my friends, which I love. 

So if you're looking for a quick, funny, steamy read, this one's a good choice. Plus, it's worth reading for all the 80s and 90s references alone. ;)

(Disclosure: I know Tiffany and we share an agent, but she didn't ask me to review this book and I purchased my own copy.)

About the book:

Trick…or wicked treat! 

It was a devastating dirty trick—Joey Silvia just found out her boyfriend of two years is married. What. A. Dick. Joey knows her best chance to get over one guy is to get under another. Of course, heading home to her family's remote cabin in Oregon poses some challenges in the "available men" department…until she discovers this cabin comes with its own hot handyman! 

Holy crap, Chris Steffensen. When did her brother's best friend turn into a hard-bodied pile of blond-bearded hotness? He's the perfect Halloween treat—and a surprisingly dirty rebound guy. For a couple of weeks, anyway. Except that Chris has other ideas…like proving to Joey that this blast from the past is a whole lot more than a naughty Halloween hookup.

Grab a copy: Amazon | B&N | Kobo

7 Things to Reduce Distraction and Increase Focus

Happy Friday, everyone! In Wednesday's post about the book Essentialism by Greg McKeown, I mentioned that I would be implementing some things to use what I learned from both Essentialism and Deep Work by Cal Newport. So that's what today's post is about. And though this is my personal plan for what I think will help me, hopefully, you'll also find something things that might work for you.

That's what nice about the concepts in these books. They're not so specific that they can't be customized. We ALL feel too busy. We ALL would like to spend time doing things that are more meaningful and essential to our lives, job, family, etc. I would venture to say most of us feel overwhelmed by technology and the noise of modern life. And when you really take a hard look at it, you see the things you are giving up because you're glued to your computer or phone. And it's not just during work time. For me, it even leaks into my personal leisure time. If I'm focused on my phone, I end up with less reading time, less time to watch TV shows, less family time, etc. No bueno.

So here's my plan for the next month (a month in which I have a NaNoWriMo style goal of writing about 50k words.)

7 Things to Reduce Distraction and Increase Focus

 

1. Putting a leash on social media

It may be Facebook for you or YouTube or Instagram, but for me, Twitter is where the tempting coffee pot/watercooler is in my "workplace". I don't have co-workers to chat with in person, so it's where I go to catch up. It's what I often see first when I sit down at my desk--the big wide screen of Tweetdeck with all the columns and barrage of tweets. In some ways it makes sense that I go there. If I were working in an office, I would take a few minutes to ease into the day by catching up with people at work and drinking my coffee. However, the problem with Twitter is that it's never a five-minute conversation. It's links and today's drama and cat pictures and before I know it, thirty minutes have passed or longer. And now I have all these interesting articles to read. Plus, instead of easing into my day, it's like I've started standing in the middle of Times Square. SO. MUCH. NOISE. 

Action item: Pop in to twitter on my phone where I can only see who directly talked to me so I can respond, but don't look at the feed until my lunch break or after my writing is done for the day. 

2. Blocking off internet-free time with the Hey Focus app.

I've been using Hey Focus for a while, but I was just using the 1 hour timer it has built in. I didn't realize that I could set up a schedule for it to block social media/the web at set times each day automatically. This is a great feature because a) I don't have to remember to click for focus time b) it requires no willpower because it's automatic and c) will get me in the habit of knowing exactly when my "deep work" time is.

Note: you can whitelist certain apps and websites if you need them during your deep work time. But I'm not whitelisting anything but music. Even research can distract me (What kind of car should the heroine drive? What would have been on the radio in this flashback scene in 2005?) You click for research and then you fall into a web rabbit hole of something else. I can just make a note and look that up after deep work time.

Action item: Automatic internet blocking from noon to 3pm every day for deep work/writing time.

3. Meditate before going into the Deep Work zone.

Research has shown that our mind is like our muscles. If we don't use our ability to focus, we lose it. We have to actively work with concentration in order to improve it. I know without a doubt that my ability to focus has decreased over the last few years. Maybe it's all the technology, maybe it's age, maybe it's how my career has changed, maybe a little of all. But the girl who used to consider herself laser-focused to the point of obsession at times has started wondering if she has ADD. That's...concerning. 

So if our focus is like a muscle, then mine hasn't been to the gym in a while. And one of the proven ways to to strengthen that muscle is through mindful meditation. I have a little experience with this because I used to regularly do yoga (something I need to get back to), but it doesn't have to involve movement. Studies have shown that even 8 minutes of daily mediation can help. 

Now, that doesn't sound like much, but try it. I did a ten minute meditation with the Calm app this morning and it was HARD to sit still and be quiet and focus on breath for just a few minutes. Even with the lovely sound and view of crashing waves, I had to fight to keep focused--which tells me that I definitely need to keep doing it.

Action plan: Meditate for at least 10 minutes every week day with the Calm app.

4. Cocooning and setting limits

This goes along with the Deep Work and turning off the internet, but it's also important to set up expectations with others. You're not available during that deep work time unless it's an emergency. You are out of reach. The world can survive without you for a few hours. There's a great post over at Penelope Loves List about how to set up your Cocoon of Focus.

Action plan: Turn off my notifications except for kidlet's school and hubs and don't let others encroach on the cocoon of focus. 

5. Keeping my To Do list to the essentials

I talked about this on Wednesday, but I'm learning the art of saying no to things that aren't essential to my goals (both at work and home.) Busy work can be a sneaky time stealer. You feel like you're doing something so you're "working", but you're not actually getting the things done that are important. It's just another distraction. (Like when I inevitably decide that I MUST clean my office before writing that day, lol.) Y'all know I'm in love with my paper planners and this is the perfect way to make sure my To Do list is pared down to the essential bones. 

Action plan: Say no to the non-essential things that try to sneak on to my To Do list.

6. Tracking my time

And speaking of planners, I'm still using a two planner system, which I've talked about before. The Inkwell Press (photo above) is where my weekly and monthly plans live. It's what I ideally plan to do that week. Life isn't ideal. And plans are easily derailed. So I've used my Day Designer, which is a daily planner to not do future planning but to track my time as I go. That way, I can see what I planned to do (Inkwell Press) and what I actually did (Day Designer). This helps me see where I'm wasting time, how much time a task actually takes (because we all tend to underestimate that), and keeps me accountable.

Action plan: Use the Day Designer to track my time as I go so that I can see where all the time/energy is going.

7. Putting my phone away in the evenings

I have too many books to read, TV series I haven't seen, movies I haven't watched, games I haven't played to sit on the couch with my phone at night.

Action Plan: Put the phone out of reach at night because even if I am watching or reading something, the temptation to "just check" is too strong.

So those are my seven things for the month of October (though I've been implementing some already). I'll be sure to report back on how it goes. I know for sure it's not going to be easy. Breaking habits is incredibly hard and the internet's hold on us is legit. But I'm determined and nothing makes me more motivated then when I get mad about something. And I'm mad that things are stealing my time. ;)

So you tell me, am I the only one struggling with this? Have you tried anything to reduce distractions and increase focus? Anything work well for you?

What to Read - Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown

If you follow me here regularly, you know I'm a bit of a junkie for a good productivity read. So when I saw Greg McKeown speak with Michael Hyatt in the recent online productivity summit, I knew I had to get his book - Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less.

First, here's the back cover:

Have you ever felt the urge to declutter your work life?

Do you often find yourself stretched too thin?

Do you simultaneously feel overworked and underutilized?

Are you frequently busy but not productive?

Do you feel like your time is constantly being hijacked by other people’s agendas?

If you answered yes to any of these, the way out is the Way of the Essentialist.

The Way of the Essentialist isn’t about getting more done in less time. It’s about getting only the right things done.  It is not  a time management strategy, or a productivity technique. It is a systematic discipline for discerning what is absolutely essential, then eliminating everything that is not, so we can make the highest possible contribution towards the things that really matter.  

By forcing us to apply a more selective criteria for what is Essential, the disciplined pursuit of less empowers us to reclaim control of our own choices about where to spend our precious time and energy – instead of giving others the implicit permission to choose for us.

Essentialism is not one more thing – it’s a whole new way of doing everything. A must-read for any leader, manager, or individual who wants to do less, but better, and declutter and organize their own their lives, Essentialism is a movement whose time has come.

This book has a lot of fantastic information and guidelines for how to go about your "disciplined pursuit of less." But I think the way the concept resonated for me was that it's about editing. When I write a book, I look at every word, every scene, every character and ask--is this necessary for the story? Does this add something valuable to the book? Essentialism is doing that with your life and job, with all those tasks and activities and demands that take up our time. But instead of asking, "Does this add to the story?" we're asking, "Does this add to my life?" or "Does it add to what I'm trying to accomplish in my life/job/etc?" It's the idea of doing Less But Better.

Though this book is geared toward the business people of the world, I think it's applicable to more people than that. I'm a writer, which is what I do, but I'm also running my own business of being an author and all the things involved with that--marketing, promotion, working with my publishers, organizing things, going to events, soon indie publishing (which is another stack of tasks). Plus, I'm a mom so have those home duties layered in. 

So, often I find myself working, working, working and being constantly busy, but not actually, you know, WRITING. It's been driving me a little bit crazy. That's what originally led me to read Deep Work by Cal Newport (which I talked about more here), and I think these two books pair well together. Pare down your life to the essentials and make room for deep work (or whatever it is that's most important/fulfilling to you.)

But how do you do that? What does that mean? That's what this book answers.

I can't give a full summary because there's too much info and you should read the book, but here are some of my takeaways.

1. Learn the art of "no"

This is a huge one for me. I think women, in general, tend to have more trouble with the no because we're taught to be people pleasers, to be nice. We want to be nice and helpful--and there's nothing wrong with that. But if we say yes to every request, we're actually saying no to something else. We only have a set amount of time and energy in a day. Everything is a trade off. So a yes is always a no as well.

It's important to understand what you're saying no to by throwing out that mindless, "Sure I'll bake 100 cupcakes for the school fair." or "Sure, I'll critique your manuscript." or "Sure, I'll take on that extra project." Because it might be simultaneously saying, "Sure, I'll give up family time on my weekend." or "Sure, I'll miss my kid's soccer game." or "Sure, I won't get my own important work done this week." McKeown makes the point in this book that if you don't choose how to spend your time, someone else will choose for you.

I also like the method of "No, but instead..." I use this a lot. You switch out the request that would take a lot of time for something for something that is less of a time suck but still provides something helpful to the person. "I can't bake the cupcakes, but I can order some from the local bakery." "I can't make it to your Facebook party, but I can donate a prize." 

2. Getting over FOMO (Fear of Missing Out)

This goes along with the "saying no" thing. Especially in business, we're afraid of turning down opportunities. But often we make the mistake of seeing every opportunity as having equal weight. They don't. In writer land, this translates for me that if anyone offers an opportunity at promo, I should take it. But if a guest blog post takes me an hour to write (which it generally does) and it's posted on a blog that gets no traffic, I've just taken an hour of time I could've been using to write my books--the thing that is my essential--and used it to maybe get a post in front of a handful of people. 

This also applies to social media. We are all trained to be SO afraid that we're going to miss something, so we're connected all the time. We also can justify it because it's often part of our jobs to be connected. But social media and the internet are the greediest of time stealers. And it's fluff for the most part. Fun and social and nice for the occasional break. But when I look back on my life, I'm not going to say, "Wow, I wrote some great tweets and saw some fantastic cat pictures." I'm hopefully going to be able to say, "Wow, I wrote some great books and had an amazing time with family and friends." So I'm not saying social media/the internet doesn't have its place, but we often give it a way bigger place at the table then it deserves. And it will eat all your food if you don't keep it in check.

3. Giving yourself space to think

This, I think, is probably one of the hardest ones because we're so used to being busy and connected. We don't leave room for quiet and boredom anymore. I'm in a creative job. That space is vital to me (which is often why I end up getting ideas in the shower or before I fall asleep at night--because it's the only time I let myself be bored now.) Instead of all those pockets of time we used to have nothing to do--waiting in lines, sitting in the doctor's office, walking somewhere--we have our phones to fill the void. But there are good, ripe things in the void--ideas, solutions to problems, time to breathe and refresh. That's what had made me read Deep Work. I knew my ability to lose myself in thought was waning. Essentialism also speaks to this--making space for focus. Blocking time off in your schedule where you are unapologetically unavailable and not connected. This is probably what I'm taking home the most from the book. I'm ready to cut out a lot of the noise. Because, wow, life is noisy these days.

There are so many more takeaways in the book. I'm only skimming the surface. But between this book and Deep Work, I've changed my outlook on a lot of things and will be making some changes. I'll blog more on what those changes are, but for now, I'd love to hear your thoughts. AM I the only one fighting with these things? What's frustrating you right now with your time?