Device-Free Summer 2.0: Why We're Doing This Again (AKA How Kidlet Shocked Me)

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First, before we get to today's post, I wanted to let y'all know that THE ONE YOU CAN'T FORGET, book two in The Ones Who Got Away series, is now available! Thank you to all of you who have already bought it, grabbed it from your library, and/or reviewed it. I really appreciate it! And if you haven't gotten your copy yet, here's you're chance. :)

Order the book:  Amazon | B&N | iBooks | Kobo | Indiebound | Books-A-Million | Google Play

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DEVICE-FREE SUMMER 2.0

Okay, on to the post. So if you've followed me for a while, you may remember that last year I embarked on an experiment with kidlet: a device-free summer. No iPad, no video games, no computers at all. The only screen allowed was TV watched as a family. Not gonna lie, I was pretty nervous going into last summer because kidlet was VERY attached to his iPad and Xbox, and I was used to having that to help occupy him. But I felt in my gut it was what was best for him.

Turns out, it was way easier than I had expected and was a resounding success. I think it was truly one of the best things we could've done for all of us. It really did make a lasting impact. Not just with his level of calmness and creativity but also in very specific ways. For one, because kidlet didn't have devices, he took to his brand new guitar/rock band lessons with gusto. It became his new go-to thing to spend his time, and a year later, he's wowing me with his musical skills and his deep interest and love of music. The other day he sent me this audio file. He decided to try to learn Jimi Hendrix's "Purple Haze" by ear. I know I'm his mom and am easily impressed by my kid, but he's 10 and doing this? That seems pretty darn cool to me.

And though we brought devices back during the school year, with limits (100 minutes a week), being on devices never took hold again. The iPad became dusty and mostly stayed in a drawer. He usually used his 100 minutes on the weekend to play NASCAR on Xbox or to watch YouTube videos about music. Devices became a small thing in his life. Honestly, this felt like a miracle compared to where we were. And the only negative side I observed was now he noticed how often most of the other kids are on devices or are overly focused on video games. It annoyed him and sometimes left him out of conversations about Pokemon, Minecraft, and the like. When I asked if it bothered him to not be able to follow those conversations, he just shrugged and said, I wish they could talk about other things, too. But it didn't bother him enough for him to use his device time minutes to delve into those games the kids were talking about. And he still has friends, so it wasn't a dealbreaker for friendships.

So this year, I really wasn't planning on a device-free summer because I felt like the device use was under control. But kidlet came to me mid-May and asked if we were doing device-free summer again. When I said that I wasn't sure, he said, "Can we?"

That shocked me. I asked him why he wanted to do it again. He told me that last summer was "fun" and he liked the activities we did. So he wanted the movie nights and board game playing and cooking with me and playing outside. There are so few parenting moments where you feel like you're getting something right, usually we're just hoping we're not totally screwing up, lol, but this was one of those mom pride moments that I'm going to hold onto. The whole experiment had worked. Devices had lost their hold on him, but more than that, he'd come to enjoy that old-fashioned family time. During the school year, things are so busy, that a lot of those activities fall off, and now summer feels like a special time to do those things with us.

Of course I couldn't say no to his request even though it hadn't been in my plan, so he's going device-free again. But he did have some caveats: he wants to be able to Facetime his grandparents and to use his Ipod to listen to music. Deal!

So that's where we are, we're doing it again. I've also decided to make an effort to slow down our summer some. We are typically overscheduled with camps and lessons and such. I'm feeling the stress of that and want to slow it down for all of us. But I'll need another post for that because this one is already long enough. ;) More to come!

In the meantime, if you missed last year's device-free summer posts, here are the details of what we did, how we did it, and how it all went.

• A Screen-Free Summer for Kidlet: How, Why, & If I'll Lose My Mind
• The 10-Day Update
• 5 Week Update on Screen-Free Summer
• The End of Our Screen-Free Summer: Results and Moving Forward
• The After-Effects of Our Device-Free Summer

What plans do you have for this summer?

A Personal Post: Hormones, Stress, & Sneaky Depression

Hi there. It's been a while. 

If you follow my blog at all or subscribe to my newsletter, you know that I am a pretty regular blogger. However, it's been a month since I last blogged. I kind of hate blog posts that are about apologizing for not blogging or being absent on social media because it seems kind of silly to stress about those things. We're all busy and sometimes the balls we're juggling hit the floor.  But here I am, blogging about why I've been quiet anyway.

I decided to share because hey, maybe you've been there or maybe someone else might find the post and it can help them. Here are the obvious reasons why I've been quiet: (1) I had the biggest book release of my life in January and that involved a lot of blogging for other sites and promo work. (2) I'm behind on a book deadline and have been writing (3) Holiday time is always crazy busy. (4) My mother in law moved in temporarily for a couple of months and even though we get along fine, as a creature of habit and solitude, that threw my home routine off. Oh and (5) I got the flu TWICE in a month (yes, even with the flu shot).

However, none of those reasons turned out to be the real reason why I wasn't doing the things I normally do. It took me almost two months to figure it out, but recently I nailed down the culprit: a hormonal imbalance which led to six weeks of anxiety and depression. See, early in December, I was having some issues with PMS stuff and got diagnosed with mild PMDD (being a woman is so fun!) and my doctor decided to try me on a low-dose birth control pill to balance things out. I hadn't been on the pill since I was in college. I went off it back then because it flattened my mood too much--not depression, just blah-ness. So going back on it, I was slightly aware that it might not work for me.

However, even going in with that knowledge, turns out, I completely missed the signs that this change in hormones was wreaking major havoc on my system. Like I said, it was a high stress time anyway--new book series coming out, hosting Christmas, new guest in my house, getting the flu, behind on book deadline. I thought it was normal stress making me feel not so great. But signs started to show up in January that all wasn't right with me. I lost interest in the things I normally love to do. I wasn't into decorating my planner (which seems minor but if you know me,  you know I heart my planner. It should've been a sign to me that something was amiss, but I thought, meh, maybe I'm just over it.) I didn't feel like cooking, which is normally a relaxing outlet for me. My creativity just wasn't there writing-wise, and I was blocked with my book. And get this, I read NO fiction. I read only 2 books in January, both non-fiction. That's nuts, y'all, but again, told myself it was because I was so busy. 

I might've kept going on this way, but then I hit a week (which would normally be my PMS week) where I had a huge spike in anxiety and this feeling of - what's the point of doing anything at all. Now, outside of a brief bout with post-partum blues, I'm not one to get depressed. Anxious, yes. Me and anxiety go way back. But depression has never been a thing for me. This felt different than sad or blue, and maybe because I used to be a therapist, I was able to step outside of it a bit and go--whoa, this isn't me. Something's up. That didn't mean I could change how I felt (despite doing yoga daily, taking my vitamins, eating healthy, talking to friends/family about it, getting out of the house, doing all the things I knew to do to get out of a funk, etc.) but I knew that something was going on with me chemically. And that's when I realized the pill was doing what it did to me in college but multiplied times a hundred. 

I went off of it immediately. Literally within 24 hours, I could feel the difference. A few days later, I was back. Like the sun had come out. I felt like myself again, had energy, wanted to read, had renewed interest in the things I love. The anxiety and this weird desire not to be alone (I usually love/crave being alone) went away. It was like waking up from a really bad dream. I feel enormously lucky that I was able to get rid of those bad feelings by stopping the birth control. I am very aware that depression has an endless number of causes and most of the time, there's not a quick fix solution. I also know that when I get to PMS week again, I'll probably have symptoms even without the pill like I did before, but hopefully milder and I'll be as prepared as possible. 

So, I know this is an intensely personal post (which is not the easiest thing to share) but when I was going through this, I found a number of women who had posted about similar struggles and experiences and I found it enormously helpful and comforting. So I'm trying to pay that forward by being honest and sharing what I went through. It's scary to think that even as someone trained to recognize signs of depression (and who diagnosed it in other people!) couldn't easily recognize it in myself. It was subtle at first and wrapped up in a very busy/stressful/flu-ridden time, which disguised it.

And I'm not saying don't go on the pill or anything like that. This is NOT medical advice. I know I have weird body chemistry and have always been sensitive to hormonal shifts. I can literally map on my calendar when I'll be most creative and when I'll feel tired and creatively blocked. I try to use it to my advantage and plan my tasks according to when I'll have the most energy. But I'm just sharing a personal experience because I think a lot of times we go through these things and are too embarrassed to share it with each other. But we can learn from each other and help support each other by being open.

So, good news is I'm back to myself. I feel great. I'm still behind my deadline, but I feel back on track and excited about the book again. I plan to be back on here more regularly, and newsletters will resume. But I've learned a good lesson: pay really close attention to yourself, especially if you've lost interest in the things that usually make you happy. Stress can be an easy "excuse" but it isn't always the root reason things are going haywire. Other things can be going on. So if you ever find yourself where I was, dig deeper than "oh I'm just really busy and overwhelmed right now." Take care of yourself. *hugs*

The Aftereffects of Device-Free Summer

If you've been following my blog for a while, you know that this summer we embarked on a device-free summer for our nine-year old son. A number of things prompted that decision, and you can read about that in the initial post (I'll link to all the posts from the experiment below.) And in August, I wrote about ending the summer and how we planned to move forward. A few people have asked me how things are going now that devices are back in play in limited form again, so I thought I'd do a quick update post.

First, in order to limit how devices were brought back in, we set up some parameters. After shifting around a little bit that first week back and trying out different things, we settled on kidlet getting 100 minutes per week to use on devices (Ipad and video games.) Schoolwork on the laptop does not count. Television with the family does not count. What's nice about 100 minutes is that it sounds like a lot to him, but over the course of seven days, that means only a little over an hour and a half is spent on devices.

Now, every kid is different, but mine loves a system. So he has a little dry erase board on the fridge, he writes his 100 minutes at the top at the beginning of the week, and then deducts as necessary. He's also taken to planning his minutes upfront, which surprised me. "This week, I'm going to use 30 minutes on Saturday morning and this much on Sunday afternoon." He thinks about his schedule and decides where his minutes will fit best. He also is able to delay gratification and not use up minutes as soon as he gets them (because they reset on Monday and he often doesn't use them until the weekend.) But beyond the logistics...

How has it been going? 

1. The iPad is basically dead to him. 

This was kind of a shock to me. The thing he used to carry around everywhere has lost its shine for him. It's rarely even charged anymore. The few times he's used it, it was to film movies of his toy cars or watch a YouTube video on a topic he was interested in. He doesn't play the games anymore.

2. He'd rather use his allotted minutes in two big chunks so it naturally ends up being weekend time.

Since he's using the time for video games, it makes sense to spend bigger chunks of time instead of breaking it up into little bits of time. So usually he just plays for about an hour on a Saturday morning and then uses the rest of the time on Sunday. School days end up being device-free by his choice.

3. The limits let us all relax.

He knows what to expect. He has a timer that he uses, so it's not a fight to get off the game when it's time because we all know the rule. (I do let him finish a race or whatever if his timer goes off during his NASCAR game as long as it's not going to be some epically long time.) 

4. He's self-monitoring.

I don't know if it's just because of the way my kiddo is, but he handles his own timer and turns off the game. Unlike before where it was a fight to turn things off and a bad mood afterward, he turns it off without my intervention. It's SO nice.

5. The obsession has been broken.

He's not itching to play on the devices. He doesn't complain about wanting more time. It's just this thing he occasionally plays now, not the center of his entertainment. He'd rather play his guitar, play a board game with us, or play with his cars most of the time.

6. His mood is so much happier.

I can't convey how big this change has been. Not that he doesn't still have grumpy days like anyone else, but he was getting angry a lot before--usually when it was time to get off devices (which was part of what prompted the summer experiment.) He's back to his fun-loving self again. 

7. We're spending more time all together as a family (not just all together in the same room but doing our own thing.)

His device-free summer had inspired my husband and I to dial back a lot of our online time and social media as well. So we're all more engaged when we spend time together at night and on weekends. Our screen time is watching shows together as a family--something we hardly ever did before. 

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So y'all know I'm already a believer in doing this. The change has been pretty miraculous in our little household, but I continue to be surprised by the longer term effects of it. Now I just wish I had done this a long time ago. So many hours lost to that iPad...sigh. But we can't change the past, so onward!

And if you'd like to catch up on what the experiment was and how it went, here are all the posts:

Previous posts on the Screen-Free Summer:

• A Screen-Free Summer for Kidlet: How, Why, & If I'll Lose My Mind
• The 10-Day Update
• 5 Week Update on Screen-Free Summer
• The End of Our Screen-Free Summer: Results and Moving Forward

Self-Care Tip: Why I'm Going Old School for News

Earlier this week, I retweeted an article I wrote last year about the Highly Sensitive (HSP) personality type and how it’s important to practice self-care, particularly when there is a tragedy being reported in the news. This week the horrible and tragic situation in Vegas brought this to mind again because in our 24-hour news culture, it has become the norm to replay traumatizing videos over and over again and to dissect every small piece of it and to interview victims who are still bloody, in shock, and processing the event themselves about all the gory details.

Seeing the videos and interviews is disturbing to everyone because the whole thing is awful and tragic and terrifying, but to some of us, it can feel like more because we can’t dial down the empathy or separate ourselves from the intense emotion of it all. Seeing it over and over can send us into a spiral of imagining the victims’ pain, picturing horrible things, thinking about what their families are going through, and feeling deeply anxious or distressed. It’s a bad and unhealthy cycle to get caught up in.  

Whether you want to label it “highly sensitive” or not, I’ve known this about myself for a long time. I’ve always had an intense empathy response. It was what led me to become a social worker and therapist. I wanted to help people. It’s also what made me realize social work might kill me because I couldn’t mentally leave things at the office. I worked with kids and the stresses and problems they were having went home with me each night. It takes a special person to be a social worker, nurse, doctor, first responder, etc. It takes someone who can separate emotions out in order to do their job effectively. I realized I wasn’t the right fit for it. 

But I’ve learned that this quality is also what makes watching the barrage of daily breaking news so difficult and stressful. I want to know what is happening in the world so that I’m informed and can take action when and how it’s needed (I still have that desire to help), but I don’t gain any additional information by seeing these traumatic things running all day long over and over again. Plus, outside of being sensitive or not, I don’t see how it helps victims to stick a camera in their face an hour after the scariest and most devastating moment of their lives to interview them about what it was like to see people killed around them. How does that help anyone to do that?

This is obviously just my opinion, but that “breaking news” dissection of every event, not to mention the constant yelling over issues on the national news stations (regardless of political leanings) has turned me away from news pretty much completely. I watch my local affiliate at night for the weather and that’s about it. The morning news show I watched for most of my adult life is no longer watched. And frankly, Twitter has become much of the same for me. I used to spend time there to socialize during writing breaks (and I'd get news that way), but now I only pop in and out to respond to people and announce book/blog info because otherwise, there’s so much anger and arguing that it's often a stressful place to be. I’m not saying the anger isn’t justified, but I can't invite that into my day every day. I’ve had to step back from all of it because otherwise I would just spend my day anxious, depressed, or pissed off and get nothing else done.

However, I still want to be an informed person and citizen. Total avoidance swings too far in the other direction. Sticking my head in the sand and ignoring everything doesn’t help either. So this week, a possible solution hit me: ingest the information in a different, calmer, more controlled way. The old school way. For the first time in my life, I subscribed to . . . a newspaper. Yes, the paper kind delivered on your front doorstep. They still do those. Shocking, I know. But after researching, I realized that it could offer a good solution to my dilemma.

Benefits to the newspaper over TV/internet:

• There are no looping videos like TV and the internet that show traumatizing content.
• There is no need to constantly repeat the same stories or obsess over every minute detail as “breaking news” to fill 24-hours of airtime (on the contrary, there is limited space so only the most important stories make it in.)
• There is no scrolling news ticker at the bottom or competing videos in the sidebar, which help create information overload and that anxious feeling.
• A newspaper will have some local, in depth coverage so that I know what’s going on in my city and state.
• In addition, a newspaper will cover other important stories you're not hearing about on TV because one big headline tends to dominate TV news for days at a time. There's a whole world of news going on out there (nationally and internationally) that gets lost in the noise.
• Positive stories are included as well (which seems to be becoming more rare on TV, though my local news does try to highlight at least one positive story each night.)
• Fact-checked news that hopefully covers stories from both sides. (I researched which newspapers were the most even-handed because even though I lean strongly one way, I think it’s important to get opinions from all sides.)
• Bonus—there is no comments section to raise your blood pressure and no pundits yelling at each other! I can read, process, and develop my own opinion without all the racket.

There are more benefits (paying to support writers, getting local restaurant/event information, movie reviews, etc.) but those in the list are pretty huge in my book.

I’ve also decided to try out a few magazines since I also like in depth dives into different topics. I’ve subscribed to The New Yorker, National Geographic, and Scientific American.

Yes, it’s retro and Luddite of me maybe, but sometimes the old way of doing things isn’t always the inferior way. For those who need to step back for their own emotional well-being or simply those who want information without the barrage of noise and repetitiveness, I think this could be a solid answer. I just started my subscription and am going to get the weekend editions, so I’ll report back how it goes.

Is anyone else in the same boat with the 24-hours news culture? Anyone still subscribe to a newspaper or magazines?

Nerding Out About The Four Tendencies by Gretchen Rubin

If y'all know me at all, you know I love me a Gretchen Rubin book. Since The Happiness Project I have been a devoted fan. I've loved each one of her books and I regularly listen to her podcast. So, of course, when she released a new book this week about The Four Tendencies, I had it on pre-order and read it immediately.

If you're not familiar with Rubin's Four Tendencies, the concept was introduced in her book on habits, Better Than Before. It's basically a personality framework that divides people into four categories based on how they respond to inner and outer expectations.

The Four Types:

Upholders - Meet outer expectations (what other people expect you to do) and inner expectations (what goals you set for yourself) without much trouble. They thrive under routines and like structure. No one needs to remind them to get stuff done or hold them accountable. They'll just get it done. They can also be seen as uptight and rigid. Think Hermione in Harry Potter. (This is what I am.)

Questioners - Meet inner expectations but resist outer because they want an explanation. This is my husband. Why is that a rule? That makes no sense. I'm not doing that. So basically, they only meet outer expectations if they believe those expectations make sense to them. If not, good luck. (Since I'm a rule-follower, this can drive of us both crazy because we butt heads over this.)

Obligers - Meet outer expectations but resist inner. These are the people who will do anything for someone else, but when it comes to keeping their own goals, they struggle if they don't have some kind of outside accountability like a deadline or a buddy who is calling and checking on them. So if they have to meet a friend to run every morning, they go because they don't want to let their friend down and, therefore, can stick to the habit. But if they were going on a solo run and no one was paying attention whether they did it or not, they would struggle to keep the habit. (This type is highly represented among my friends and fellow writers. Those who are great at taking care of others but not so great at giving time/effort to themselves.)

Rebels - Resist both inner and outer expectations. "You can't make me and neither can I" is one of the mottos she lists for Rebels. Rebels don't like to be confined by any rules or expectations. Even if they want to do something, if someone tells them to, then they resist. 

That's just a brief overview and you can take a quiz on her website to find out your type, but knowing what category you fall into can be surprisingly helpful when trying to set habits and stick to them. It also can help you deal better with people around you when you know your type and also know their type. The book goes into a lot more detail and has great information about how to deal with this at work, in relationships, and with your kids. I learned a lot of new tips and am trying to figure out what my kidlet's type is (I'm thinking Questioner.)

Also, I think this book helped clarify a lot because I thought I knew my type from the first book but after reading more in depth in this one, I realized I was wrong. I thought I might be a Rebel because as soon as I agree to something, I don't want to do it anymore. But I realized that rebellion is not why I'm resisting. I'm an Upholder, so my inner expectations trump outer expectations. So I don't want to do something when/if an outer expectation impedes on an inner expectation. Like if my habit is that every Sunday I go to the grocery store but then I have to go to a last minute event on Sunday during that time, I get annoyed and don't want to go because I don't like changes in my routine. (See, I'm an uptight Hermione.) But it also explains why I was that student who never had to be told to do her homework. I just did it. My parents didn't have to lean over my shoulder for anything. Neither did bosses in the working world. I also can set goals for myself that no one else knows about and stick to them (which is good since I'm a writer and no one is watching to make sure I do my work.) So it's a good thing (gets stuff done) but also bad (not so flexible).

So knowing this can help me check myself when I'm being too rigid or uptight about something. Or if my Questioner husband explains that "no, you don't have to follow those instructions exactly because this way is more efficient", I can hear him. Self-awareness is a good thing. ; )

So if you're a personality nerd like me and want to know where you fall on the scale and how to use it to your advantage, I highly recommend The Four Tendencies (and all of Gretchen Rubin's other books.)

About the book:

In this groundbreaking analysis of personality type, bestselling author of Better Than Before and The Happiness Project Gretchen Rubin reveals the one simple question that will transform what you do at home, at work, and in life. 
 
During her multibook investigation into understanding human nature, Gretchen Rubin realized that by asking the seemingly dry question "How do I respond to expectations?" we gain explosive self-knowledge. She discovered that based on their answer, people fit into Four Tendencies: Upholders, Questioners, Obligers, and Rebels. Our Tendency shapes every aspect of our behavior, so using this framework allows us to make better decisions, meet deadlines, suffer less stress, and engage more effectively. 
More than 600,000 people have taken her online quiz, and managers, doctors, teachers, spouses, and parents already use the framework to help people make significant, lasting change.  
The Four Tendencies hold practical answers if you've ever thought...
·         People can rely on me, but I can't rely on myself.
·         How can I help someone to follow good advice?
·         People say I ask too many questions.
·         How do I work with someone who refuses to do what I ask—or who keeps telling me what to do?
With sharp insight, compelling research, and hilarious examples, The Four Tendencies will help you get happier, healthier, more productive, and more creative. It's far easier to succeed when you know what works for you.

Buy the book

So what do you think your type is?